english,
“God is within her, she will not fall.” – Psalm 46:5
Lily, my love, for the very last time,
I can’t believe that I’m still able to write to you. My words still flow through my fingertips, just as how it used to be, back in the days when my body was strong and full of health. But the difference is that I'm writing this letter with a heavy heart, and doubt ate my thoughts like parasites, making my body very sick and weak.
I’m sorry that I have ruined your life in these past weeks. I know in my heart that you still can’t bear the news that you’ve heard about me. Am I fine? At this point, I don’t know. Only God can tell me if I really am.
When will this end?
If only I knew, my love. I’m sorry I’m not there to help you anymore. I tried my best to hold on to you, but failed. Sadly, I had to let go.
But before I say goodbye, my love, let me tell you what happened.
Two months ago, right after our Valentine’s date, I don’t know why, but I fell sick for a week. That was the time when you unexpectedly came into my house, and found me there lying on my bed, very weak and feverish. I didn’t see you, but I just felt that, behind the damp cloth you were using to wipe my body, I knew in my heart that it was you, since your hands are so soft and it smelled like roses. I remembered well that you thought I didn’t hear anything you said as you confessed your love for me, and how you missed seeing me right after our Valentine's date.
You don’t know that I did.
After your visit, my fever eased and my body slowly gained back its strength. I don’t know what to say. Thanking you is not enough!
I don’t know why, but after a few more weeks, my fever and the pains in my body worsened. It happens every night that I cannot sleep well. So, without you knowing it, I visited my doctor every week. After a series of tests, I was diagnosed with a rare disease. I was so shocked and in complete disbelief. I cannot tell you about it, because I don’t want to bother you.
So is the reason why I look gloomy every time I see you, and that was the time when your friend suspected that there’s something that bothers me that you didn’t know. I just decided to hide it, and I did my best to smile and say yes whenever you asked me if I’m okay. I’m sorry that I lied. But I had to.
Half of me still hoped for the time to come when I would kneel in front of you and give you your ring, and ask if you would take me as your man, as I eagerly want you to be my wife. I also hoped that someday I would still be able to see your beautiful face behind that veil, like an angel that came down from heaven. Right in front of the altar, we would face each other, exchange vows in front of many people, and clasp ourselves together with chains through our series of “I do's”.
But that dream of hope just shattered when my doctor told me that I only have a few months to live and I must go and tell my loved ones about it. My heart sank.
I know, I didn’t tell you about it. But how could I? I didn’t want to ruin your life. I cried almost every night, thinking of how I'd be able to tell you this, and what would happen if I told you so. My body felt weak and frozen as I thought of how you would react to the news.
That thought was so hard to bear, so I sat on my desk, took a pencil, and during the whole afternoon, I drew something on a piece of paper. I know that by looking at it every day, I won’t lose hope. Whenever I see it, there is this relief that no one else would’ve experienced by just looking at a piece of paper.
In the succeeding weeks, I wasn't able to go to my classes anymore because my body felt weak and I couldn't even get out of my bed. I frequently had headaches, and sadly, the usual medicines that were given by my doctor weren’t able to relieve them.
Now I know that my time has come.
Again, with a glance at the drawing, I still felt that there was hope, and for a moment, I sighed, and some aches went away. Even I was already bedridden, the paper is the only thing eased the pain. After a few more days, the pain worsened, and since my body could not take that much pain anymore, I forced myself to slowly get up and reached towards my desk to get my phone and call you. But then, I suddenly fainted, and my roommate called for help and brought me to the nearby hospital.
All I could remember is that I still brought the paper in my hands and put it weakly in my pocket. Thinking of it brings me hope, but at the same time, worry.
I was in the hospital. I just lied there, praying. Each day, I felt weaker and weaker, that I wasn't able to walk, thus I had to be carried through a stretcher in order to be transferred into the operating room. I frequently felt sharp pains in my body, and, again, there was nothing else I could do to ease it but to look at the drawing that I had done many days before. I held the paper closer to my chest as I silently wept.
Just stay strong. I told myself. Just be strong.
It’s day ten. The doctor says that my time is near. So I made this letter for you. Though I still hoped that we could still get to see each other.
But I don’t think it’s going to happen anymore.
So, now, my dear Lily, I don’t know how to end this letter. I know it’s hard for you to accept what has happened to me. It’s alright, my love. It takes time.
But I tell you this, after my death, even if your heart finds somebody else, I swear in my heart that I will still wait for only you in heaven. I promise that I’ll be there beside you, to look after you, keep you away from danger, until you have found someone to keep you until the very end of your life. Whoever that might be, I hope that you’ll be happy with him and that he will do everything that I wasn’t able to do.
No matter what happens, you are still the woman that I love – and you will forever stay in my heart. You are still the moon in my darkest nights, the sun in my morning. The fire and scent of my candles and the flowers of my grave.
My love, thank you for everything, for the love and the sighs that we gave each other together. I promise that, in heaven, I will pray for you just as how you have prayed for me down on Earth.
Goodbye, and for the very last time, I love you.
Love,
Eric
P.S. Attached is his drawing of you, which he was already holding even before he came into the hospital.
P.S.S. This part is written by Eric’s nurse. He died two days ago, a day after he wrote this letter. He was already dead when I found him holding the drawing close to his chest.
Literary: Sketch
“God is within her, she will not fall.” – Psalm 46:5
Lily, my love, for the very last time,
I can’t believe that I’m still able to write to you. My words still flow through my fingertips, just as how it used to be, back in the days when my body was strong and full of health. But the difference is that I'm writing this letter with a heavy heart, and doubt ate my thoughts like parasites, making my body very sick and weak.
I’m sorry that I have ruined your life in these past weeks. I know in my heart that you still can’t bear the news that you’ve heard about me. Am I fine? At this point, I don’t know. Only God can tell me if I really am.
When will this end?
If only I knew, my love. I’m sorry I’m not there to help you anymore. I tried my best to hold on to you, but failed. Sadly, I had to let go.
But before I say goodbye, my love, let me tell you what happened.
Two months ago, right after our Valentine’s date, I don’t know why, but I fell sick for a week. That was the time when you unexpectedly came into my house, and found me there lying on my bed, very weak and feverish. I didn’t see you, but I just felt that, behind the damp cloth you were using to wipe my body, I knew in my heart that it was you, since your hands are so soft and it smelled like roses. I remembered well that you thought I didn’t hear anything you said as you confessed your love for me, and how you missed seeing me right after our Valentine's date.
You don’t know that I did.
After your visit, my fever eased and my body slowly gained back its strength. I don’t know what to say. Thanking you is not enough!
I don’t know why, but after a few more weeks, my fever and the pains in my body worsened. It happens every night that I cannot sleep well. So, without you knowing it, I visited my doctor every week. After a series of tests, I was diagnosed with a rare disease. I was so shocked and in complete disbelief. I cannot tell you about it, because I don’t want to bother you.
So is the reason why I look gloomy every time I see you, and that was the time when your friend suspected that there’s something that bothers me that you didn’t know. I just decided to hide it, and I did my best to smile and say yes whenever you asked me if I’m okay. I’m sorry that I lied. But I had to.
Half of me still hoped for the time to come when I would kneel in front of you and give you your ring, and ask if you would take me as your man, as I eagerly want you to be my wife. I also hoped that someday I would still be able to see your beautiful face behind that veil, like an angel that came down from heaven. Right in front of the altar, we would face each other, exchange vows in front of many people, and clasp ourselves together with chains through our series of “I do's”.
But that dream of hope just shattered when my doctor told me that I only have a few months to live and I must go and tell my loved ones about it. My heart sank.
I know, I didn’t tell you about it. But how could I? I didn’t want to ruin your life. I cried almost every night, thinking of how I'd be able to tell you this, and what would happen if I told you so. My body felt weak and frozen as I thought of how you would react to the news.
That thought was so hard to bear, so I sat on my desk, took a pencil, and during the whole afternoon, I drew something on a piece of paper. I know that by looking at it every day, I won’t lose hope. Whenever I see it, there is this relief that no one else would’ve experienced by just looking at a piece of paper.
In the succeeding weeks, I wasn't able to go to my classes anymore because my body felt weak and I couldn't even get out of my bed. I frequently had headaches, and sadly, the usual medicines that were given by my doctor weren’t able to relieve them.
Now I know that my time has come.
Again, with a glance at the drawing, I still felt that there was hope, and for a moment, I sighed, and some aches went away. Even I was already bedridden, the paper is the only thing eased the pain. After a few more days, the pain worsened, and since my body could not take that much pain anymore, I forced myself to slowly get up and reached towards my desk to get my phone and call you. But then, I suddenly fainted, and my roommate called for help and brought me to the nearby hospital.
All I could remember is that I still brought the paper in my hands and put it weakly in my pocket. Thinking of it brings me hope, but at the same time, worry.
I was in the hospital. I just lied there, praying. Each day, I felt weaker and weaker, that I wasn't able to walk, thus I had to be carried through a stretcher in order to be transferred into the operating room. I frequently felt sharp pains in my body, and, again, there was nothing else I could do to ease it but to look at the drawing that I had done many days before. I held the paper closer to my chest as I silently wept.
Just stay strong. I told myself. Just be strong.
It’s day ten. The doctor says that my time is near. So I made this letter for you. Though I still hoped that we could still get to see each other.
But I don’t think it’s going to happen anymore.
So, now, my dear Lily, I don’t know how to end this letter. I know it’s hard for you to accept what has happened to me. It’s alright, my love. It takes time.
But I tell you this, after my death, even if your heart finds somebody else, I swear in my heart that I will still wait for only you in heaven. I promise that I’ll be there beside you, to look after you, keep you away from danger, until you have found someone to keep you until the very end of your life. Whoever that might be, I hope that you’ll be happy with him and that he will do everything that I wasn’t able to do.
No matter what happens, you are still the woman that I love – and you will forever stay in my heart. You are still the moon in my darkest nights, the sun in my morning. The fire and scent of my candles and the flowers of my grave.
My love, thank you for everything, for the love and the sighs that we gave each other together. I promise that, in heaven, I will pray for you just as how you have prayed for me down on Earth.
Goodbye, and for the very last time, I love you.
Love,
Eric
P.S. Attached is his drawing of you, which he was already holding even before he came into the hospital.
P.S.S. This part is written by Eric’s nurse. He died two days ago, a day after he wrote this letter. He was already dead when I found him holding the drawing close to his chest.
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