I am still too fragile to step out

With little knowledge of who I am

Though little by little, I grow, understand

The conformities of this world ahead

Though here I ponder, can I be different?

And not abide by these rules they set?

A voice outside, says no, adamantly

Perhaps not yet, so a bit more, I stay,

A prisoner of my own shell—forbidden to express,

Shielded away from those who suppress

Vexed and sickened to be stuck,

Leaving fear, I crack

Emerging from what I only know

I open my eyes

Looking into the new world

I explore.

A world so colorful

Yet a limiting form

Am I really supposed to be this way?

I wonder.

The more I witness

The more I discover

The more I find out I could be more.

I think.

Closed lids

Wrapped up tight

Rid of this dress

In thoughts I sought

Sought for love,

Sought for acceptance,

And for both I long and desire

It was I, all along, able to provide

Opened lids

Loose dress, unraveled

New dress, vibrant shade

No longer wearing a facade

I am free

From the cage of doubt

I now perceive

What I am about.

Colorful as can be

Capable of flight

Letting them know so they see

All day, all night.

Life goes shortly

Therefore, I must have fun.

I’m happy being me

And the very thing I’ve become.

To all the future butterflies

You have yourself

And everything around you

To guide your soul

To a world more real, brand new

It might not make sense in the beginning

Something’s missing maybe,

Or you may not have emerged yet,

Do not hurry.

In the end, all will be worth it.

A beautiful creature, free and true.

To the other beautiful creatures who have not emerged yet,

We’ll be waiting outside to welcome you.

“Ako nga pala si Claudio, ikaw?”

“Ikinagagalak kong makilala ka Aquilino.”

“Aquilino, ayos ka lang?”

“Bakit?”

“Iyon naman pala, anong problema?”

“Anong ibig mong sabihin? Walang problema sa’yo, hindi ka naiiba, hindi tayo naiiba.”

“Huwag mong iisipin ang sasabihin ng iba, isipin mo lamang ang magpapasaya sa’yo.”

“Hindi mo kailangang ikahiya ang sarili mo, Aquilino.”

“Mas mabigat kung itatago mo at mas mahirap kung ‘di mo tatanggapin.”

Nagawa ko na naman pala.

Bukas na bukas ay lilipat na muli ako,

hindi ito gawi ng isang normal na tao.

Ngunit tama ka Claudio,

‘di ko dapat ikahiya ang sarili ko.

Ako lamang ito, wala nang iba.

Mas mararapatin kong tanggaping isa akong

Binatang Lamang-lupa.

Patawad sa iyo,

at sa sumpang itinago ko.

It was a very sunny day when I decided to drive my car. I usually do this whenever I want to unwind and forget my problems. I drive long distances and look at the view, appreciating it in any way I can.

This time, however, it was different.

My car broke down in the middle of the desert, how fortunate. I popped the hood open and was surprised by the smoke, reeking with the smell of burning rubber, touching my face. There were no repair shops close by, nor houses. All of the things I could see were land, more land, and a bunch of cacti.

The next best thing that a sane person would do is call someone and ask for help, both through phone and by shouting, so I did. Until I remembered mobile signal isn’t available in deserts, and to add to that, my phone battery ran low.

I did everything I could; unfortunately nothing worked. I had no choice but to leave my car behind.

It was hard to leave my car, as it had been there for me whenever I’m feeling down. I treated it as a part of my family. I purchased it with my hard-earned money. Even when hard times hit us, I never thought of selling it.

Leaving it made me remember all the people who became part of my life, who coincidentally happened to be the people who left me behind or had to leave.

I firstly remembered my mom who left us years ago. I didn’t know why she left, she never told me where she would go.

I also remembered my dad, who took care of me my whole life without my mom. I eventually have to leave him behind because of my family.

Lastly, I remembered Melissa and my two children. Melissa and I had a fight, we are struggling to keep up with our financial and relationship problems. One day when I woke up, Melissa and my children were nowhere to be found, along with their belongings.

Lost and confused, I walked as far as I could under the heat of the afternoon sun. After seeing, guess what, even more land and a bunch of cacti, I finally saw something worth the very long distance I’ve walked.

It was a gate, a huge gate. Around it were giant barricades.

I ran towards it and went in for a closer look.

A carnival.

Not just any carnival, a very big one with lots of booths, games, and even stores.

I glanced through the fences and saw that all of the people were smiling genuinely like they were really enjoying this carnival.

There were all sorts of people here: children, adults, even the elderly. I remember my grandparents not even coming with us whenever we went to the carnival because of the noise. Surprisingly, today, lots of old people were playing with the children and none seemed to be bothered by the interaction.

I must’ve come across a community in the middle of the desert.

I had my doubts about the carnival but all I could think about was that I was safe and that there were other people around.

Thankfully, I still had money in my pocket, enough to buy food and drinks after that long, agonizing walk under the scorching sun. I entered the carnival and suddenly, the agonizing heat of the sun was replaced by a cool breeze. Everyone who saw me greeted me with a happy smile. They welcomed me in.

I went to a hotdog stall. The owner was as enthusiastic as the people walking around. He had a very happy aura, despite him looking like he’d break my neck, which fortunately, he didn’t. I bought a hotdog and a can of soda from him. When I took out some money to pay him, he held my hands and closed my fist, telling me to keep it. I insisted on paying him but he refused and told me to “have a nice day”.

Confused, I walked around looking at other people and they seemed to be playing for free. I wondered how the owner of this carnival was able to maintain something this big if they didn’t receive payment from their patrons.

However, despite all this, nostalgia overpowered me as I saw rides I used to enjoy with my mom and dad when I was little. The Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, and the teacups were our favorite.

I would’ve asked for help with my car, but since I was already here, I guess I’ll stick around. The carnival takes me back to the good old days and it has lots of fun things in it.

I went to one of the rides, the merry-go-round, the first carnival ride I’d ever ridden.

There was no ticket booth, just a line, so I lined up and asked the woman in front of me.

“Excuse me, how much do you pay for this ride?”

“No, no, no. No need to pay, just enjoy the ride,” answered the woman who had a very comforting smile on her face.

From what I observed, everything in this carnival was free and everyone seemed to be okay with it, even the employees.

It became my turn to ride the merry-go-round, along with other people in line. The nice crew accompanied me to a horse and told me to be careful and enjoy the ride, just like what the woman told me earlier.

I thought to myself that this place was like a paradise, and I somewhat never wanted to leave.

As I rode the merry-go-round, I felt a blast of joy inside my heart. Something I felt when I was young, with my parents. For the first time in 25 years, I felt it again, stronger than ever, making me forget all of my problems.

After the ride, I wanted to make the most of my time there at the carnival. I didn't want to think about my car anymore. I had to relive more memories.

I rode the Ferris wheel, the teacups, the roller coaster, and more rides, all of which brought me nostalgia and a very distinct feeling of happiness.

Surprisingly after all those rides, I wasn't tired. I just wanted to stay in the carnival more and more. After all the rides I’d been on, I figured maybe it was time to check out the booths.

There were lots of games. I could see skill games, games of chance, and even those my parents and I didn’t play for being too “rigged”.

As usual, all of the games were free, however, I wondered if they required any effort at all. So I tried playing the High Striker. The man looking after it seemed nice.

“High Striker! Test your strength!” he said.

I approached him and he politely handed me the hammer. I hit the pad with the hammer as weakly as I could, wondering if I’d lose. The hammer hit the pad but the bell did not ring.

The man patted me on the back and told me that I did a good job. Turns out I needed to put in a little effort after all.

I went in for another try at the High Striker, but this time I hit it as hard as I could and the bell rang.

The man congratulated me and gave me a prize. To my shock, it was a stuffed toy that looked exactly like the old one I had named “Lucia”. Lucia was a yellow rabbit with droopy ears. My mom gave it to me, and I named it after her so I’d remember who gave it to me.

Sadly, Lucia went missing. My mom kept telling me to hold it tight or I might lose it, but there was a time when I took Lucia out to the park to play and an ice cream truck sounded. When I went to buy ice cream, I mindlessly left it on a bench. Lucia was gone when I came back; we never found it again.

Seeing a toy like it made me remember lots of things about my childhood.

I went on playing game after game. Every prize I got looked like something that I had when I was young: my rare holographic card, my old robot toy, and even my old watch.

I stopped to sit on a bench, put my prizes beside me, and looked around. Someone suddenly approached me, and the moment she spoke, chills went down my spine.

“Hold those tight, you might lose them.”

The voice was familiar. I looked at her; she was pointing at my prizes. She was an old woman, who looked at me, smiling.

I couldn't be wrong. Despite the long time we haven’t seen each other, I could still remember that voice, that face, and that particular line. I needed to be sure.

“Do you know who I am?” I asked.

“Why would I not know, my little Morty?” she said.

She knew my name, no one called me that but her. I quickly grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. I cried so hard. I've wanted to hug her for a long time, and now, finally, I could.

I've longed for her since I was a kid, when she left without a trace. I was angry that she left but at that moment, all I could feel was overbearing joy. I was happy that she was back.

“I worked and worked so that we’d have enough to live on. I wanted to find you so we could be together, but work kept me busy and occupied. I’m sorry I left you like that. I am very happy that we’re together again," she said.

“Don’t ever leave like that again, please,” I answered.

“I won’t,” she said with a smile.

We did the things we used to do in a carnival, one ride here, another there. We played at the booths, ate our favorite food together. I felt like I was a seven-year-old all over again.

Finally, we sat on the benches.

“Aren’t you gonna come back to your family?” she asked.

“No, not anymore,” I said.

“Your wife? Your kids?” she asked.

“They left me, I don’t think they’ll come back.”

“If you say so.”

“I wish Dad were here,” I said after a deep breath.

“Morty, he will be here, soon,” she answered with a reassuring tone.

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BREAKING NEWS: Man found dead in the middle of a desert after starving to death.

Morty Perez, 34, who was reported missing yesterday, was found dead in the middle of the desert earlier this morning showing signs of dehydration.

Authorities tracked Perez’s car and found it 3 kilometers away from Perez himself, suggesting that Perez left his car to seek help.

Perez was survived by his wife and three children.