Ang Aninag Online: sonata

Showing posts with label sonata. Show all posts

I need to leave home, so that I can grow and pave the way for other people.

I loved being in the most comfortable and familiar places, with familiar faces, voices, nooks, and crannies. I would like to stay, but I know that if I get too comfortable, I must go. If I don’t, I’ll be trapped and will never grow.

When I was a child, I always finished books as quickly as I could. It excites me to see the last chapter, the ending, because it usually ends with a ‘happily ever after’. But when I grew up, I preferred taking things slowly. For instance, I would insist that my friend stay with me for a little while. I was afraid not to see the ‘happily ever after’ at the end.

Time passed and I realized that some endings are meant to be sad because that’s how the world works. Each ending is different from another and each ending is inevitable. Everything comes to an end, so that something else may begin.

Now, my story in my most comfortable and familiar place has come to an end. I hope that I will leave a mark in this place for others to grow.

This is my last chapter in my home for several years now.

Today, I’ll be moving to a new one.

To my love,

Happy 21st birthday! My dear, I wish you the best. Be brave in facing the adult world, but don’t forget what it’s like to be a child.

These are some memories I kept, preserved in photographs, that I wanted you to treasure as they fade through time. Cherish these bits and pieces of your life and reminisce the years of growing up because you’ll never be able to go back in time to experience them again.

As a toddler, you loved to explore your surroundings, and with the help of these tiny shoes, you learned how to walk and run. You loved to roam in the garden and pick up random things like pebbles, dry leaves, and fallen flower buds. I hope that you’ll never lose the wonder to discover new things.

Crayons, brushes, and paints were your best friends in preschool. You, like your hands, were always covered with the colors of the rainbow. You would smudge paint on the floor, on the walls, and even on your face. May you continue to give color to the things around you!

Interesting facts excited you as you grew older. You would read almanacs and books of world records. You would share them over the dinner table with wide eyes filled with enthusiasm. Keep that eagerness to learn, son, it’s important in life.

When you finally became a teen, with pimples and all, you became very interested in chess, unlike your classmates who were fond of basketball and videogames. You said that you wanted to exercise your mind and be a great strategist. I was delighted to hear that you had a goal in life. I pray that you’ll work hard to achieve it.

When you were a young man, you bought a wrist watch all on your own. It’s great that you’re mindful of time, something you should always be. For time is like a gust of wind, gone in a wink of an eye.

Growing up is inevitable, dear. Our life is about moving forward. Etch these in your heart and keep it in your mind. I may be gone already as you accept this letter, but always remember that I am with you in spirit. I love you forever.

Mom

I received mail. It’s the letter that I sent to you.

It read:
I find myself looking for you in the room even though I promised myself not to.

I contradict myself every time I see you--- you with the pretty face, pixie hair, green eyes, and contagious smile.

I want to talk to you, run away with you, dance with you, and sing with you. The problem is that every time I do, my life comes to ruins.

I know I’m alone and lonely. Whenever I’m with you, my surroundings vanish, everyone is silent, and I don’t care what people think I am. I yearn for that feeling, but I have to wake up. I have to make myself remember that I can’t be with you. We can’t be together. You’re my best friend, my listener, and my partner-in-crime. You protect me, but every time you do, I lose. I lose myself.

I remember our first conversation. I was at the back of the room trying to disappear. You came to the class confidently and sat beside me. We exchanged names, numbers, and interests. You paved your way into my system. Your whole being made me attracted to you. I love those times, but now, I need to burn them. I need to choose to say goodbye to you. That is the only way for me to live.

Goodbye, forever.
---

I sigh and closed the door. It has been months since I last saw you. I hope to never see you again but, it seems that luck is not by my side today. As soon as I turn around, you show up with that pretty face of yours.

“I’ll stay no matter what,” you said.

“No. You can’t. I have to face reality.”

“Why are you so cruel to me? I did nothing wrong. Please, let me stay,” you pleaded.

I stared at those teary eyes. I started to lose my senses. Once again, you’re taking over my system. I began to think about those years with you. It was the best time of my life. You were a great friend who would never leave me.

Thankfully, I heard my alarm. I reached for my water jug and a small white opaque tablet.

“Don’t please!”

“This is for the best,” I smiled and took my pills.

---

I’m sure that you’ll come back, but I will always choose to live attached in this reality.

Nagsasawa ka na ba
Sa’king pagluha’t pagtawa?
Na siyang laman
Ng aking mga liham?
Sana hindi,
Pagka’t patuloy akong magsusulat
Dahil at para sa’yo.

Nagpadala ako ng labing-isang liham-
puno ng damdamin,
Mga hinaing, kabiguan,
Kasawian at katanungan,
Na pawang bumubukal sa puso.

Naisulat habang ang isipa’y tila naglalakbay sa kawalan.
Isinatitik ang nararamdaman kasabay ng mga panalangin.
Hinihiling ang mabilis na pagdating ng kinaumagahan.
Hinihiling na mapansin mo ang ipinahihiwatig ng liham kong ito.

Nabilang mo ba ang salitang “Ikaw”
Sa bawat sulat na ipinadala?
Isang daan at apatnapung ulit kong matamis na sinambit
Ang “Ikaw” sa mga liham kong iyon.
Ngunit sa buhay ko,
Nag-iisa ka lamang.

Tayo’y parehong umiikot sa iisang gusali
Ngunit ‘di nagkikita sapagkat walang nagtatali
Tayo’y parehong tumatawid sa iisang kalsada
Ngunit ‘di nagkakatagpo upang sana’y magkakilala
Tayo’y parehong umaakyat-baba sa iisang hagdanan
Subalit ‘di kailanman nagkakatinginan

Ito ba ang ating tadhana,
Ang maitago ang pagkakakilanlan sa likod lang ng pangalan?
Ito ba ang sa ati’y nakatakda,
Ang ilihim sa’tin ng mga pwersa, ang mukha ng bawat isa?
Marahil ito nga ang ating kapalaran,
Na manatiling mga estranghero na ‘di kailanma’y magtatagpo.

Hers

Thursday

To sleep is to dream. To dream is to dwell in a world full of fantasies, fake joys and illusions.

I was dreaming about him. It was always about him. He was holding my hand. He was looking into my eyes, and he was telling me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

The sound of the rain, followed by a clap of thunder, told me to throw off my covers and wake up. ‘I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and forced them open.

“Oh, it was just a dream. It’s always just a dream,” I muttered.

6:28 AM. It was a bit too early for me to prepare for my 8:30 class, but I decided to wash up and head outside. I grabbed my lesson plan and locked the door of my apartment. I walked towards the new café that my friend recommended. It was already open. It was quite rare for a café to be open at this hour. As I entered, dim lights and wooden pieces of furniture greeted me. The smell of cinnamon wafted to my nose.

“Good morning!” Behind the counter, a petite lady with huge black eyes smiled at me as I walked towards her.

I looked at the menu written on the wall. Only three items were on it. Each item had a peculiar description. It read:

“Coffee:

Wake up and stop dreaming

Go back to reality

Care for some whipped cream?”

“You can ask for a different sweetness level.” whispered the lady.

“Tea:

Wake up then dream again

See him go, see him stay

Hot or cold?”

“Milk:

Dream on

Enjoy his company

Enjoy with a hint of cocoa.”

I was so confused. Was I supposed to believe the descriptions? Were they jokes? It was like the café wrote all the descriptions specifically for me. Was I hallucinating? I sighed and started deciding on what to get.

I ordered my drink.

“Um, how much is it?”

“You can pay later, Ma’am, after you drink it,” said the lady.

“I can pay later? Is it that expensive?” I gulped.

“No, Ma’am,” she chuckled, “I’ll just put it on your tab.”

I carefully sipped my drink, and then it started raining outside.

The descriptions were true.
---

The next morning, I came back to the café to pay off my tab.

“Good morning, Ma’am,” the lady greeted.

“How much was my drink?” I managed to smile.

“About a bottle’s worth of tears.”

It was easy for me to pay.
---
His

Friday

To eat is to indulge. To indulge is to enjoy and let your taste buds dance, but be wary of what you eat.
The bright sky illuminated the city. I’m not a morning person and I hate getting up early, but I had an 8:00 meeting at the university. She’ll probably be there.

It was already 7:00. I only had an hour to wash up and eat. I headed out, leaving my cat purring and staring at me with his beady eyes.

I needed to eat but I had to do it fast. I decided to just pick the nearest place. A new food stall was right beside the apartment.

“Hello, Sir,” a guy with rose tattoos greeted me.

They only sold burgers. That was it. I couldn’t complain. I was in a hurry.

They put intriguing descriptions under the choices. Well, it made me laugh, but only in the inside. I didn’t want to be a rude customer.

All Meat (Bacon, Beef, Pepperoni, and more):

Man up, bro! Confess to her right now!

As if.

TLC (Tomato, Lettuce, Cheese):

Slowly make your way to her heart with Tender Loving Care.

That’s more like it.

Tofu Burger (For Vegans):

You’re too shy. You still have a chance.

I sighed. What do I get now?

I ordered a burger.

It was cheap. I ate as fast as I could. It was already 7:40. I ran.

“Sir! You can do it!” someone shouted from behind as I head for the bus stop.

She was already there when I arrived. She looked shaken up by something. The meeting didn’t last very long. It was already 8:45.

“Hey,” I greeted her.

She stared at me. Then, I noticed her swollen red eyes. Was she crying? I took this chance.

“Let’s go to the rooftop to get some fresh air.”

“I don’t want to,” she shook her head.

“Let’s just go. It will clear up your head,” I grabbed her arm and led the way upstairs.

The cityscape glittered as sunlight touched the glass windows of each building. The air was cold and fresh.

“Feeling better?” I asked.

“I wish,” she muttered.

“You wish? Then how about this. You wish for something and I’ll try to grant it,” I raised my eyebrows. This might be my chance.

“I wish that all the pain would go away,” she said bitterly.

Before I could say anything, she looked at me with a cold stare.

“Do-don’t give me hope! Stay away from me,” she shouted.

“What?”

“I’ll never drink coffee from there again. No, I won’t drink coffee anymore,” she murmured.

“What are you saying?” I was so confused. Those words carefully made its way to my mind and heart. I was speechless.

“Us, together, it will never happen!” she screamed and ran.

I quickly chased her and held her hand. I hugged her tight. I poured out my feelings, the words from my heart made its way to her head. She cried and apologized. She told me about a café. She drank coffee with weird descriptions.

“I’ll find a way,” I assured her.

It was already night. I found myself right in front of the café she told me.

I clenched my fist and opened the door. There are no customers except for me. A petite lady with huge eyes and greeted me.

“How can you remove the curse of your coffee?” I indignantly said.

“Change her dreams,” she answered.

“How can I?” I was puzzled.

“Be a man and confess, stop making her hope. Make her dreams come true.”

I ran to her apartment.

“I can do this. I should do this,” I said under my breath.

I knocked, she opened the door.

“Hi, may I come in? We need to talk,” I smiled.

“What is it about? The coffee, the tears, my dreams, my feelings—”
“My feelings about you,” I said.
“Wh-What did you eat that made you act like that?”
“A tofu burger. I love you.”

*Inspired by Gabriela Lee’s short story “Bargains” from the book Instructions on How to Disappear

Alam ko na alam mo
Ang nais kong sabihin,
Bago ko pa man ito sambitin,
Kaya hindi ko na ito pahahabain,
Simple lang ang nais kong aminin:
“Paumanhin, sana ako’y patawarin
Pagmamahal ko’y ‘di tulad ng sa’yo.”

Batid mong hindi sapat
Ang aking ibinibigay,
Na hindi ito sa iyo nababagay.
Dama mo ang sakit
Na dulot ng pagiging mapagmahal kong tunay
Patawad, kung sa puso ko’y sandaling nawaglit
Ikaw na laging tapat sa akin.

Sa pag-ibig at pagtitiwala
Ako ay may kakulangan
Sana ito’y iyong mapunan
Sapagkat alam kong wala akong kakayanan
Sana ako’y iyong mapakinggan
Ito ang aking tanging kahilingan
Patawad muli dahil sa pagkakasala ko sa iyo.

I am a mere particle

In a tiny speck of dust

In the vast cosmos

I am a simple molecule

In a drop of water

In the deep ocean

I am a plain atom

In this entire world

In just one of the galaxies

Compared to You,

You, who are far beyond

What anyone can imagine,

Compared to You,

You, who can’t be described

By human words and emotions

You, who saved me

From the black hole

That I kept coming back to

You, who taught me the way

Through the stars above

So that I’ll never get lost

You, who chose me

Even if there are those far better

Than fragile, stubborn me

The miniscule I will thank You

You, the universe and beyond

That wrapped me in Your entirety

Nang makita kang palakad-lakad sa lansangan
Agad kitang pinuntahan

Niyakap kita ng mahigpit at sinabing:

"Hindi ba’t pinangako mo sa akin na hindi mo ako iiwan?
Bakit sa lahat ng iyong pangako ay iyon pa ang iyong kinalimutan.
Hinahanap kita sa bawat sulok ng lungsod,
Pati ang bawat baryo, barangay, at pook ay sinuyod
Upang matagpuan ka't ipaalala sa iyo
Ang pangakong binitawan mo."

Ika'y tumingin sa akin ng may pagtataka’t pag-aalinlangan
Tumatalilisang mga butil ng pawis sa iyong nakakunot n anoo
Huminga ka ng malalim at dahan-dahang lumabas ito sa iyongbibig:

"Patawad at wala akong matandaan
Na ako'y nangakong hindi kitaiiwan at pababayaan
Ang alam ko lamang ay ako'y naligtas mula sa kamatayan
At ngayon ay nabubuhay ng walang nalalaman."