Showing posts with label leo. Show all posts

Llterary: Ho(me)




My first home is
A messy sun-lit bedroom
Walls filled with sketches
And an annoying alarm clock
No food on the table but a note with money
But a dog barks and a warm feeling spreads

My second home is
Where your friends are
Studying under a lot of pressure
Inside the cool interior of the library
Cramming the homework given a week before
With graduation fast approaching, it’s time to leave

My third home is
Arms that would protect me
His words laced with promises about our future
With his alluring smile and honey-like eyes
I trusted him, but he already found comfort
In the soul of another

But my real home is
The face I see in the mirror
The hands that wipe my tears every night
The legs that carry me to where I wish to go
The heart that’s healing
I am my own home

Literary: Diet





January 1, 2011
Age: 11 years old
Target weight: 22 kg Current weight: 30.4 kg

I have only one new year’s resolution: to lose some weight.

Every new year's eve, teasing is what I receive; hushed whispers from my cousins and loud jeers from my aunts. Pointing fingers at me, they ask, “Aren’t you a ballet dancer? Your thighs are getting a little bigger. Why don’t you put down that ham?”

My ballet teacher also asked me to lose some weight in order to be part of our upcoming recital.


February 16, 2013
Age: 13 years old
Target weight: 32 kg Current weight: 45.9 kg

The diet wasn’t successful.

A year after my “diet”, I faced more criticisms and struggled in keeping up with my ballet classes. I started restricting what I eat; anything with carbohydrates and fats was off limits. Only the thought of “I have to be thinner” ran through my mind, day and night.

It didn’t help that most of the boys in high school teased me. My friends told me that they were just joking, but as time passed, my confidence and self-esteem was drained from me.

August 3, 2014
Age: 14 years old
Target weight: 39 kg Current weight: 35.7 kg

The diet finally worked!

I lost more weight than expected. I used the entire summer break to lose weight. At first, I was so exhausted, but I couldn’t give up. I kept myself inspired by thinking of all the compliments I’ll be receiving when I’m skinny. But most of all, I wanted to show the people who teased me that they were wrong, and it worked.

The teasing stopped and turned into compliments.

March 24, 2015
Age: 15 years old
Target weight: 39 kg Current Weight: 42.6 kg

I can’t stop. I have to diet.

It’s been a year since the last time I wrote here and a lot has happened since then. People are finally complimenting me for changing myself, but still, they are detesting me for changing too much. I try to ignore whatever they’re saying and just focus on how I can further improve myself. As a guy, I know I’m not supposed to care about these kinds of things, but I can’t help thinking about it. We have a recital in a few weeks and I have to lose more weight so I can execute our routine perfectly. I know that my methods are not what doctors would recommend, but it’s the only thing that works, and that’s good enough for me.

July 4, 2017
Age: 17 years old
Target weight: 64 kg Current Weight: 76.2 kg

The diet was too much. I passed out, they rushed me to the hospital and I finally stopped.

Everyone knew what was wrong with me and by the time I also did, it was too late. The memory of being in the hospital and seeing their worried looks turn into disappointment keeps playing in my head. I wish I could say that everything fell into place after the incident and that I finally learned from my mistakes, but instead, I just made more of them. The thing I used to resent the most comforted me during times of need. I swallowed my pride and indulged every bite of food that has come before me, for it was the only thing that didn’t judge me for what I have become.

I grew twice my size, lost a lot of things like my ballet class, some of my friendships, and even my self-control. Despite all this, my fall from grace also made me gain a different perspective and feel a little unchained from my previous toxic actions.

September 1, 2018
Age: 17 years old
Current Weight: 70.6 kg

5 years have passed since I started to change myself.

I have come a long way ever since I have made that decision, and I still don’t know if I used to be better back then. My journey had many ups and downs, but all I know is that I feel good with the way I am now, and that’s good enough for me.

Literary: Facio





A young statue maker sits in front a hearth, with a chisel and hammer in his hands. His mind concentrated on the Alabaster, thinking of what he could carve next. He looked around his workshop and saw all the statues he created. They all have the same distinct features mature and symbols of beauty.

He sighed, stood up and touched the stone.

Inside the boy’s heart, he longed for something more than sculpting. A family he lost, that left a gaping hole in his heart. He closed his eyes and imagined the last time they had dinner, the day they passed away in an accident. Laughing, smiling, his mother in his father’s arms, the warm bubbly feeling of happiness.

With a gentle strike, he began to re-create what he lost.

He decided to divide the stone in two, the left side for his mother and the right for his father. He first created his mother’s face. Different from her usual tenderness, he created a sharp look. Her eyes had fierceness you could see from a mother protecting her children. Her lips were in a state of mid-sentence like how he remembered his mother’s scolding whenever he would bring stray cats home. He created her right arm in a manner of reaching out to him. It reminded him of her strong will to keep them safe and healthy, a woman knowing no bounds for the sake of her family.

He started to work on his father next, on his face was a proud smile. He remembered when he finished his first statue, how happy his father looked and how he couldn’t stop patting his back. The father’s eyes were gentle and caring, eyes that easily teared up. The young man created his father’s right arm to look like he was going for a hug. He reminisced about the bear hugs his father was famous for. Hugs that made him feel safe and protected.

He stopped, took a step back and cried.

The statue was halfway done but he could see how everything used to be.

His mother was leaning to the side of his father’s. Their hands are reaching out to him, calling out to him, reminding him that he was loved, even if they’re already gone. He hugged the statue and called out to the heavens to bring them back. He sobbed and wailed, a mere child, facing the world alone. In the statue’s arms he felt warm and safe; the gaping hole in his heart has now been filled.

Literary: The Man Who Lived





“Irene, bedtime! I have a story to tell tonight!” I said while running around and catching my 5-year-old daughter. Once she was tucked in, she said “Oh-kay Papa. Tell me the stowy.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at this child who struggled to pronounce the letter ‘R’.
“Okay the story goes like this. There was once a scientist who lived on the outskirts of town. He was famed for his numerous failures and society considered him useless. Through the years, his surroundings were filled with gossips and stares. However, his spirit was never daunted, only driven by the will to succeed; he ignored all the noise and started to build his own world. Day and night, he did experiments, wrote many theories but none were ever successful.
           
              One day, while doing his grocery and on the brink of giving up, he stumbled upon a box of mystery. To his surprise, he found a black dog with a white spot in his eye. The scientist had found another reason to live. With a new found inspiration, he started to work even harder than before. A mad man, his neighbors would say, laughing, shouting mingled with a barks.
(A puppy! Just like Nyxie?)
(Yes, just like Nyxie)

              Every day by the grassy riverside you will see the pair taking a walk. They were an odd couple, a scientist with eyes who haven’t slept for years and a happy dog enjoying his walk. But you could see on the scientist’s face, a great big smile and eyes like that of a father’s. The man struggled daily while working on his experiments, scattered papers and dead plants could be found. His house was filled with cursing and crashing but amidst the chaos, barking could be heard and the scientist would be calm and quiet once again.

             On a cloudy Sunday afternoon, during their daily walk, he found another reason to stay in this world. A beautiful woman, with papers that filled her arms with eyeglasses sliding down her nose was hurrying down the path and did not notice the couple. She stumbled into the leash of the dog and the papers flew everywhere. The woman apologized and quickly picked up the papers and went on her way. The scientist for the first time in many years had fallen in love. The man scheduled their walks every afternoon for he hoped to see the woman again and he did not fail. While blushing madly, he invited the woman for a cup of coffee.

             The woman soon joined them in their walks, often throwing sticks for the dog to chase. Discussions and theories could be heard from the two. They sat side by side, watching the sunrise transitioning into a beautiful night sky.

             On another rainy Sunday morning, the man woke up as a realization hit. The dog and the woman have become reasons for the man to live despite his numerous failures.”

             “How do I know this? I am that man, Irene. I never gave up. I hope you too, find a reason to live in this cruel world,” I sigh and kiss the sleeping child’s forehead goodnight.

Literary: Sayang





“Hi Bes!”
Ang pagbati mo sa ’kin,
Sabay upo sa aking tabi
Matagal na pala tayong magkakilala
Ikaw ang una kong naging kaibigan
Dahil madalas tayong magkatabi
Daldalan sa chat hanggang hatinggabi

“Bes, tara, kain tayo!”
Sabay tayong kumakain tuwing tanghali
Mga usapan natin tungkol sa crush mo
Kay ganda ng ngiti mo habang nagkukuwento
Sumasayaw sa ligaya ang iyong mga mata
Kung minsan tungkol sa Keeping up with the Kardashians
Makikinig ako kahit ‘di naman ako interesado sa kanila

“Bes, kumusta ka na?”
Tanong mo habang tayo’y magkatabi sa dyip
Ngingiti ako at guguluhin ang buhok mo
Sabay pisil sa pisngi mong matataba
Hahampasin mo ako at tatawanan lang kita

Hindi mo puwedeng malaman ang sikreto ko

Hindi muna.

Itatago ko muna ang aking nararamdaman
Ayokong mabulilyaso ang ating pagkakaibigan
Kahit na bumibilis ang tibok ng aking puso
Sa ngiti mong kay ganda
Ang tawang humahagikgik, musika sa tenga
Sinusubukan kong pigilan ang aking bibig
Sa nararamdamang umuusbong

Tuwing tayo’y nagkaklase
Iniiwasan kong tayo’y magkatabi
Nais kitang layuan dahil isa kang panganib
Sa aking pusong marupok
Tuwing nagkakalapit ang ating mukha
Ako’y natutuliro, natataranta
Huwag mo akong lapitan, puwede ba?

Tititigan muna kita mula sa malayo
Marami akong gustong iparating
Isip ko’y puno rin ng tanong
Ngunit kung darating ang pagkakataon,
Iisa lang ang nais kong sabihin,
“Mahal kita, pero ang baho ng hininga mo.”

Literary: What I Am





I am a pattern
Surrounded by numerous other patterns
With repetitive routines
Followed by repetitive cycles

Meetings and projects
With murderous deadlines
Tattooed onto my skin
As I slowly check them off my daily routine

But look closely and you'll see:

A soul
With two eyes
Looking beyond the view
Emotions controlling me

A heart
And a brain
Dictating how I should deal
With the demons inside

A mouth
With a voice
Keeping the choked up words
Of feelings left unspoken

How can something so complex,
Be so simple?

The answer is this:

We are consumed by our patterns
Our freedom has been restrained
By the routines that define us
We have become “patternized”

The reiterating, everlasting routines
Divided spaces and unnecessary stress
Are dealt with every single day
And can be solved if we change

As we start to change
We shall leave this blue neighborhood
Cut off our former selves
Break away from the pattern and
A new us will emerge

Literary: Bes-Zoned





“Huy, Bes!”
‘Ayan ka na naman, mauulit na naman.
Magkukuwento ka na naman. Masakit na naman.
Isang “Hi,” binalik ko sa ‘yo at isang ngiting nagtatago.
Bawat kuwento mo (mga salitang tungkol sa minamahal mo) ay tila binabaril ako.
BES!
BEST!
BESTFRIEND.
Tanging mensaheng tumatakbo sa isip,
“Kaibigan lang kita, ha?”

“Huy, Bes...”
Tumutulo ang ulan mula sa iyong mga mata, nagiging bagyo na yata.
Di makatayo sa sakit, tindig mo’y nanginginig
na parang isang lindol, winawasak ang loob ng puso mo.
At nang huminahon, ika’y nagkuwento tungkol sa nabigo mong pag-ibig.
(Pareho lang pala tayo, e. Kaya lang, naging parang isa lang akong dingding, isang harang, sa kaligayahan mo.)

“…”
Hindi na nakarating sa ‘yo ang mga nararamdaman kong kay tagal na kinimkim.
Maligaya ka na kasi, nahanap mo na ‘yung bagay na magpapasaya sa ‘yo.
Bagay rin naman ako, a,
di lang bagay sa ‘yo.
Hay.
Sana kasi. Sana ganoon.
Sana pala, di kita hinayaang tadtarin ako ng balang hindi na matatanggal.
Sana pala, pinayungan kita sa bagyong paparating at prinotektahan sa lindol na yayanig.
(Sana, nasabi ko ang mga salitang baka nagpabago sa puso mong hindi tumitibok para sa akin.)
Sana pala di ko itinago.
Baka sakaling di ako na-
bes-zoned sa ‘yo.
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