Ang Aninag Online: MyChoices

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Somewhere in between

Heaven and Hell

You will find the quaint little shop

Of Miss Adelaide Bell

“Adelaide Bell’s Curiosity Shop”

I heard some people saying

And many souls, lost and wandering

Often came ‘round buying

You see, this shop is none

Like any other

For Miss Bell only sells

Every type of magic and every superpower

Telekinesis, immortality

Clairvoyance, invisibility

You name it and Miss Bell

Surely will have it ready

As many people get what they wanted

They would also have to pay a price

And for darling Miss Adelaide Bell

That would be: a piece of their lives

She would ask for the love in your heart

Or the happiness you can bring

She’ll demand for the sentiment

Behind a wedding ring

You’ll never feel it

As she takes away a talent or a memory

And when you sign the contract

You’re bound by eternity

Miss Adelaide Bell stands by her products

Indeed you will gain power

But you cannot take back

Anything you gave her

One fine winter solstice

Old man Chaos comes a-running

Into the Curiosity Shop

And asks Miss Bell for something

“Why, that’s rather unusual,”

Proclaimed the dealer.

“But I’ll see what I can do,

Be back here next summer.”

As Miss Bell toiled

For days and nights

For old man Chaos’s request

She was stuck in such a plight

The man came back

At the longest day of the year

And asked Miss Bell

The price for the peddler’s yield

“You don’t have to pay me anything,”

Said Miss Adelaide Bell.

“But you must promise me

Use your power often and well.”

You see, old man Chaos was tired

Ruining one thing after another

It’s getting weary over time

And he longed for slumber

He asked Miss Bell

For something that could do his job

Something small he could carry around

And pet and spoil and feed and lob

So Miss Bell gave him a butterfly

Inside a glass jar, frozen and paralyzed

Wonderfully designed, elegantly made

And Miss Bell instructed:

“Open the jar and breathe into the butterfly

And it will do the rest.”

And a contract bound

Chaos and Adelaide

The man came out of the shop

Happy and satisfied

When he came home,

A dark cloud on top of the world

He opened the jar

And did as he was told

The butterfly came to life

Gave its wings their first flutter

And Chaos heard

One thunder after another

He smiled, for now he could rest

With every flutter of the insect comes

A cataclysmic event occurs

Every being could feel the effect

As the old man slept

Strong storm winds knocked the jar over

And the butterfly escaped

And then flew afar then further and further

Chaos came back to Adelaide

To ask for amelioration

And the woman only gave him a laugh

Thus the man was confused from the derision

“I didn’t make you pay

Because now I get more lives than I ever had

More happiness surrendered

And more sentiment in my cache.

“You, old man, gave me a steady supply

Of things that would keep me alive

For the next hundred eons

As the people on Earth die.”

The old man wept

For he was bound by his word

And promised to look for the butterfly

So he went back to Earth

But all he saw were disasters

Islands splitting in half

Empires falling, diseases spreading

Dictators ruling and volcanoes acting up

What was then controlled madness

Now runs rampant on the streets

As Chaos continues to look for his insect

Its effect all but discreet

The Curiosity Shop

Is still run by Miss Adelaide Bell

But has now expanded her business

All throughout hell

Hindi ko malilimutan ang araw na iyon. Ika-22 ng Hunyo, alas-diyes ng umaga. Iniabot ng Homeroom teacher ko ang aking stub. Todo-nginig ang aking mga kamay, nanlalamig, namamawis, puso’y tila kakabog palabas mula sa aking dibdib. Binuklat ko ang parisukat na papel at tumambad sa ’king mga mata ang aking mga marka.

Puso ko’y tila tumigil sa pagtibok,
Hindi ako makahinga.
Tuliro at blangko ang isip,
Paligid ko’y tila biglang tumahimik.

“Ano’ng nangyayari sa ’kin?”
Naitanong ko sa aking sarili.
Kaunti lang naman ang ibinaba ng grado ko,
Kaya binalewala ko muna at nagpatuloy.

Dumaan ang mga araw,
Umaga’t gabi ay di naramdamang lumipas.
Ilang oras na rin akong tulala,
Walang maisip at walang maramdaman.

Laging nagmumuni-muni sa ’king silid,
Isipan ko’y gulong-gulo.
Buong araw walang kausap,
Sinukuan na yata ako ng lahat.

Pumunta ako sa doktor at binigyan niya ako ng gamot,
Inumin ko raw, baka sakaling makatulong.
Sinunod ko naman ang kaniyang payo,
Ngunit bakit tila wala pa ring nagbago?

Kailan ba matatapos ang kadilimang ito?
Paano iaahon ang sarili sa dagat ng kawalan?
Masisilayan ko bang muli ang liwanag?
O, sa huli, ako’y lulubog at malulunod din naman?

Kung alam ko lang na sa ganito hahantong,
Naagapan na sana habang maaga pa.
Di sana binalewala ang kirot na minsang naramdaman,
Na ngayo’y naging dilim na kumokonsumo sa aking kabuuan.

Kirot na dala ng mababang grado sa iisang asignatura,
Tuluyan nang nilamon ang aking pagkatao mula ulo hanggang paa.
Mama, Papa, ‘wag ninyo akong alalahanin,
Ito na ang huling beses na kayo’y aking bibiguin.

Pasensiya na kung sa inyo’y di nabanggit noong una pa lamang,
Na hirap na akong panatilihin ang ulo sa ibabaw ng tubig.
Pasensiya na kung ang pintuan ko’y hindi binubuksan,
Sa bawat pagkakataon na kayo’y kakatok sa kabilang banda.

Maraming salamat sa laging pagpapaalala,
Na ang pagkatao ko’y hindi naibabase sa mga numero.
Maraming salamat sa pag-abot ng inyong mga kamay,
Na muli akong itinayo mula sa aking pagbagsak.

In the midst of the dissonance, the storm and the chaos, I try to find peace.

Everything feels suffocating, there are walls pressing in and incoherent noises.

It’s all my fault, isn’t it?

She was there. Warm, comforting, constant. A refuge. A safe haven from the turbulence.

She was there, at the right time, in the right place. She was bright when my light had turned dim. She was warm when the love I shared with another girl turned cold.

I didn’t mean to.

Things spiraled down. The girl who was my sunshine now feels like a cold breeze at night. We smiled and we sat close, but when I glanced at her – she seemed so much closer, so much warmer, unlike the one actually beside me. I looked away.

Further down. I had so much free time. Time to think. Time to wallow in the darkness of my horrible thoughts. All this time away from the girl who felt like home made me feel lost. The distance seemed more than physical, and I didn’t know what to do. But she was there. We met halfway and found a safe space between each other. I thought maybe she was the blanket who’d comfort me when I was away from home, but this one seemed so much more comfortable than home. I didn’t know what to feel.

Even further down. I can’t look at the eyes I used to be drawn by so much. Sweet words from her tasted bland, but for her – for her, even the most trivial and ordinary of words sounded special. This feeling shouldn’t be shared with her. I feel like suffocating whenever I see the smile I loved so much. I feel like dying whenever I see it genuinely directed at me. I don’t have the right to make her smile like that anymore. I don’t have the right to have her smile at me like that anymore, as if things were healing, as if things were getting better between us. It’s not.

Would have all of this happened if there hadn’t been someone in our time of turbulence? Would we have healed and not let things happen? Would she still have felt like home if I hadn’t met her?

Chaos. Storms. Dissonance. There’s salt in my eyes and bitterness on my tongue. Guilt. Despair. Hate. Was this her fault for being there at the right time and at the right place, or was it my fault for letting it all happen?

Down. Down. Down. I can’t get any lower than this. I look at her properly for the first time in weeks. She’s right to look back at me with apprehension. She anticipated it, but her walls still broke. I broke it. The flimsy handkerchief I try to offer her is a disgustingly useless attempt at an apology. She doesn’t accept it.

Guilt. Fear. Relief. I turn around with a final apology and head back to my new home. To the one whose brightness outshone what used to be my sunshine. To the one whose warmth now envelops me in an attempt to relieve the guilt eating me alive. A whispered “I’m sorry” reaches my ears. I shake my head with a

“No, I’m sorry” and a faint smile as I turn to look at her.

Tandang-tanda ko pa, unang araw ng pasukan noon. Umaga pa lang ay nakapila na ang lahat para sa gaganaping flag ceremony. Tirik na tirik ang sikat ng araw, napakainit at di mapigil ang pagbagsak ng butil-butil na pawis mula sa noo ng bawat isa.

Naaalala ko pa, lingon ako nang lingon kung saan-saan dahil iyon ang unang araw ko sa eskuwelahang ito. Bago ang lahat sa aking paningin, mula sa tao, mukha, lugar, at iba pa. Ngunit pilit kong sinasanay ang aking sarili. Naghanda na ako sa bagong pagsubok na aking haharapin: ang unang araw ko bilang isang senior high school sa paaralang ito.

Iritang-irita ako dahil hindi ko naman ginustong mag-aral dito. Hindi ko naman ito plinano ngunit kailangan kong masanay na ito na ang magiging pangalawang tahanan ko.

Natagalan akong hanapin ang nakatakdang silid-aralan. 11-MH Del Pilar ang grado at seksyon na nakalagay sa ibinigay sa akin na iskedyul. Nalito ako kahahanap dahil tila napakalaki ng paaralan na ito para sa isang estudyanteng kagaya ko.

Hindi nagtagal ay nakita ko na ang Room 404. Agad-agad akong napatakbo dahil ito na ang hinahanap kong silid-aralan! Sa wakas! Nakita ko na! Sinikap kong humabol para maabutan itong bukas habang wala pa ang guro namin nang biglang…

“BLAAAAAAAAAG!”

Bumagal ang oras, kitang-kita ko ang dahang-dahang paggalaw ng buhok, pagpikit ng mata, at ang malakas na pagbagsak niya sa sahig. Nagkalat ang kaniyang mga libro, bolpen, at mga gamit sa sahig.

“Ayos ka lang ba?” tanong ko sabay abot ng kamay ko upang tulungan siya.

“A, oo. Pasensya ka na, di kita napansin. Sorry.”

Pinulot niya ang kaniyang mga gamit at agad-agad na pumasok sa silid-aralan na parang walang nangyari.

Natumba siya at nahulog ang bag niya, libro niya, at mga gamit niya.

Samantalang ang damdamin ko naman ang nahulog sa kaniya.

Napadilat ako mula sa pag-alala ng nakaraan at napalingat sa babaeng hinihintay ko ngayon sa altar.

“Let us all welcome, our soon to be husband and wife, Mr. Jeffrey Dantes and Ms. Genina Cruz!”

Unti-unti akong napangiti nang iluwa ng pintuan ng simbahan ang isang napakagandang anghel na ibinigay ng langit sa akin. Dahan-dahan siyang naglakad nang nakangiti habang nakakapit sa braso ng kaniyang ama papunta sa akin.

Siguro, hindi na rin masama ang napakainit at nakayayamot na araw na iyon. Dahil sa araw na iyon, noon ko nakilala ang babaeng pakakasalan ko ngayon.

Once said a foolish man who thought

He was so very smart:

‘If you upon a small bug trod,

The end-times you will start’

This Poincaré and Lorenz heard

And made their guiding lines;

They swore an oath to watch the earth

And sweep it like a Jain

On this they held no compromise,

Whate’er the air might be;

They’d let the sheep meet its demise,

On Sabbath willingly

One day they found their brooms were gone,

And all their food as well;

They needed to the store anon,

But how without bug-knells?

They thought on this quite long and hard,

What were the two to do?

A trick was found aft’ ponderance

To solve their current woe:

‘If we instead of treading, prance,

We won’t upon bugs—’ ‘No!

We cannot take a chance like that

Risking bugs underfoot;

Instead the two decided that

Their aim might rolling suit

For this cle’er scheme they themselves praised

For brilliant it was so;

To the store the two rolled and raced,

Excited shouting, ‘who-oa!’

Some time thence they thither made it,

Granting them food and broom;

With that they thought they’d fly and flit,

A-cackling in the room

Content they were with what they had,

They headed home anon;

On the way to home noticed they

A caterpillar lone;

Upon the road it peaceful laid,

And on it sunlight shone

As sign they saw that haloed light

That they did smart and good;

They saw a future without plight

Henceforth from where they stood

Hippocrates abided by

The pair avoiding gore;

They swept the creature to the side

And let it live some more

‘Twas then a myst’ry man appeared

Clothed in silver garments;

He wore a mask which screamed afeard,

P’rhaps to lose his argent?

Unfortunate the pair were though,

‘Twas not the man’s concern;

‘Twas future things the man did know

That made his stomach turn

He spoke, ‘that little bug you rescued there

Will one day cause the end’;

He spoke of coming future bare

Of human hope to fend

The two however had their own

Ideas of times to come;

They truly thought that they had sown

What might utopia become

The myst’ry man did tarry not

To take them to his home;

He took the foolish sorry lot

To see what they had done:

They found themselves in future times

Where ruled a Hitler-bug;

The Hitler-bug a butterfly

Grandchild of the road-bug

And there they found their good deed was

Not so good at all.

The plains were a war-torn field.

This wasn’t the only one. Countless others dotted the world, born from anger and bloodshed, as humanity warred with itself and the forces from beyond.

Over the centuries, armies met and fought, while their kingdoms dabbled in politics. When words didn’t work, actions had to be done. Swords were drawn, arrows were nocked, and spells were cast. Blood was spilled, bones were broken, and flesh was burned.

In the end, only bodies were left behind. And yet, armies and battalions come here again and again, under different banners and uniforms, fighting for various kingdoms and causes. And again and again, their broken corpses continue to feed the earth, lying to rest by the many, many bones of their predecessors.

As the warriors of the kingdoms fought on the front, magic has been called upon to assist in the wars. The sheer weight of otherworldly forces drawn into the same spot – the same fields ¬– time and time again has changed the land over the years. The unnatural might of magic turned the earth beneath into a furious, loathing soil, churning as more and more corpses are piled upon it.

What was once a verdant, healthy sprawl of life has changed into a twisting miasma of blight and decay. The bones of the fallen served as a warning to man’s folly: what nature creates, man destroys. The world’s health became worse and worse, becoming sicklier as the centuries passed. The end, it seemed, was near.
It was only a matter of time before nature struck back.

It started with a drifting breeze, followed by a cold. First, a single person possessed it. He thought it was just temporary. And then they were four. And then a dozen. A score. Half a hundred. Hundreds upon thousands, all in the span of a few weeks, plaguing every city, every town, and anywhere mankind lived.

Symptoms kicked in. Migraines flared into skull-splitting aches – even trying to think was agony. Bellies ceased to function properly – digestion took place too soon, too late, or not at all. Bones started to creak and groan – movement was near impossible. Breathing became labored, vision became blurry, and hearing became erratic. Old wounds started to bleed anew – what once were scars suddenly reopened, pouring out blood once more.

And then, the screaming started.

When the majority of humanity was afflicted, the sound came from everywhere. It was a shriek of pain. It was a keen of sadness. It was a roar of anger. It brought back memories – memories of loss, of betrayal. It was the memories of friends and family they lost, of people they held dear, now gone forever.

The visions became stronger, clearer, intermingled with the screams of the living. Faces and figures flitted in and out the corners of their vision, faces that they once knew, yet also faces that they have never seen before. With a stench fouler than the pits of chaos, the ground beneath them churned and twisted, warring with itself as things started to claw their way out of the earth – things born of flesh and of earth, of the past and the present, of pain and of anger.

They were humans. They were beasts. They were fractured. They were whole. They were real. And they were angry.

The screaming grew louder and louder. It sent fresh waves of agony through the diseased – it was the agony of corpses worming their way into skin, piled higher and higher than what the flesh can handle. It was the pain of loss, as thousands and thousands of lives are snuffed out, day by day. It was a sense of bitterness, with the knowledge that those who you gave life repaid you with betrayal.

As the screaming reached its peak, it stopped. Slowly, the vision crept away into the earth, bringing with it the madness and stench of plague. Slowly, the sick passed into sleep, never waking again. Slowly, most of humanity passed away in silence.

Years later, the remarkable happened. A single shoot sprouted from a desiccated wasteland. Miles and miles on end, made of nothing else but blighted ground and decaying rock. And yet, and yet, something natural, something so full of life found a way to grow on a dying earth.

Barren fields slowly, oh so slowly grew new life. Wildlife that was long thought to be lost started appearing again. Razed country sides became healthy farmlands. Desolate areas slowly gave ground to life. For every wound the world endured, life healed tenfold. For every life taken, dozens more took its place.

Nature repaired itself, reclaiming what mankind’s destruction took away. With it, humanity will be reborn anew.

Ang kuwentong ito ay karugtong ng akdang pinamagatang “Sa Di Malamang Dahilan” na nailathala sa Ang Aninag Online.

Unang Bahagi: http://upismc.blogspot.com/2018/04/literary-sa-di-malamang-dahilan.html

Sampung taon ko nang alagang aso si Chic, isang itim at malaking Doberman-Rottweiler mix.

Araw-araw ko siyang nilalakad sa labas ng aming tahanan paggising ko sa umaga. Buwan-buwan ko siyang dinadala sa beterinaryo para ma-update ang kaniyang mga bakuna. Minsan nga ay sinasamahan mo pa ako kapag natataon sa Sabado ang aking mga appointment. Palagi mo rin akong sinasabihan na bumili ng mga laruan para sa kaniya kapag may nakita kang maganda sa internet dahil natutuwa tayong panoorin ang kaniyang malikot na buntot, nakalawit na dila, at nakatayong tainga. Mahal na mahal ko si Chic, at siguradong ikaw rin, kaya lagi kong ipinagdarasal na kasintindi ko ring magmahal o higit pa sana ang lahat ng mga pamilyang may alagang aso kagaya ko.

Dalawang taon kang naging parte ng buhay ni Chic.

Nalungkot ako noong sinabi mong kailangan mo muna ng oras mapag-isa. Ibig sabihin, hindi mo na ako maihahatid pauwi, kaya hindi mo na rin makakalaro si Chic. Hindi mo na rin kami masasamahan sa beterinaryo dahil may iba ka nang aatupagin. Nabawasan na ng atensyon si Chic.

Limang buwan ka niyang hinintay.

Gaano ko man kamahal si Chic, dumating din ang panahong umabot na ako ng Grado 11 kung kailan di ko na siya napaglalaanan ng oras dahil sa kaabalahan sa pag-aaral. Lalo na tuloy nabawasan ang nagmamahal sa kaniya. Ako na lang kasi ang nag-aaruga kay Chic, nagpapakain, nagpapaligo, at iba pa. Lagi kasing nasa trabaho ang aking mga magulang kaya iniatas nila sa akin ang responsibilidad. Buong akala ko’y malusog pa rin siya kahit hindi ko na siya nailalakad araw-araw o di kaya’y napapakain ng dog food na inireseta sa kaniya. Pero nagkamali ako—may problema na pala. Isang araw pag-uwi ko mula sa paaralan, di ko na nakita ang sumasalubong na nguso niyang nakalusot sa ilalim ng gate ng aming bahay.

Sampung minuto na pala ang ginugol ko kaiisip kay Chic.

Napagtanto kong maaari pala na siya ang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari sa akin ito ngayon.

Dalawang oras na ang lumipas mula nang nag-usap tayo.

Ako na lamang ang mag-isa sa PA Pavillion. Nararamdaman ko na ang pawis na tumutulo mula sa aking noo sa isang oras ng pag-iyak. Nakalimutan ko na ring iniwan ko ang aking dalang bag sa pasilyo sa unang palapag. Dumidilim na rin at tinatawag na ako ng guwardiya na lumipat sa Ramp.

Isang oras ang biyahe ko pauwi mula paaralan hanggang bahay.

Nang natapos ko na ang aking mga gawain sa paaralan, di ako makatulog. Iniisip ko pa rin ang mga salitang binitiwan mo: “Sa tingin ko, ikaw lang ang nakakaalam niyan.”

Hihintayin ba kita dahil umaasa akong malapit ka nang maging handa? Dahil nararamdaman kong hindi lang kaibigan ang pagtingin mo sa akin? Dahil kailangan kong respetuhin ang desisyon mong di muna makipagrelasyon? Dahil ikaw talaga ang mahal ko? Dahil mahal mo talaga ako? Dahil naniniwala ako sa tadhana at tayo talaga ang itinakda? Alam ko ba talaga ang dahilan?

Binalikan ko ang sagutan natin kanina. Kung hindi ba kita kinausap, magpapakahirap ba akong maghanap ng dahilan sa kung bakit kita kailangang hintayin? Magugulo ba ang isipan ko ngayon? Kung ilang segundo lang siguro tayo nahuli at may nauna sa atin sa booth ng karaoke sa Timezone, aaminin ko ba sa ‘yo ang tunay kong nararamdaman? Magugulo ba ang isipan ko ngayon? Kung hindi ba tayo nagtulungang mag-aral, hindi tayo matutuloy sa ating mga di inaasahang lakad? Magugulo ba ang isipan ko ngayon? Kung hindi mo ako nilapitan noong namatay si Chic, o hindi kita binigyan ng masyadong atensyon noon, magiging malapit na magkaibigan ba tayo ulit? Magugulo ba ang isipan ko ngayon? Kung isinama ko pa rin si Chic sa mga listahan ng priyoridad ko at binigyan ng oras ko, kakausapin mo ba ako ulit? Magugulo ba ang isipan ko ngayon? Aasa pa rin ba ako sa ’yo? Magkakaroon pa ba ako ng maraming tanong? Mamahalin pa ba kita muli?

Lumabas ako mula sa aking silid patungo sa asotea. Umupo ako sa isang kahoy na upuan at tumingin sa langit. Chic, bakit mo kami pinagtagpo ulit? May dahilan ba ang lahat ng ito? Paumanhin dahil hindi na kita nabigyan ng oras. Sana balang araw ay mahanap ko na rin ang dahilan.

Tatlong oras na akong nasa asotea.

Tumingin lang ulit ako sa mga bituin at palihim na humiling na mabigyan ng sagot ang aking mga tanong nang biglang tumunog ang aking telepono. Dali-dali akong pumasok at hinanap ito sa gitna ng gulo sa aking kama. Lagpas alas-onse na ng gabi, tatlong minuto na lamang bago maghatinggabi. May tumawag at nag-iwan ng text mula sa isang pangalan na kabisado na ng puso ko.

“Puwede ba tayong mag-usap bukas?”

Kung itinago lang sana

Ang cell phone na mapanggambala,

Nakinig, natuto, upang makauno,

E, di sana ngayon, ako na’y may trabaho!

Kung inamin lang sana

Ang tunay na nadarama,

Lumapit, tumapik, sa dalagang marikit,

E, di sana ngayon, siya’y aking kapiling!

Kung tinanggihan lang sana

Ang alok na alak ng barkada,

Umayaw, lumingon, para sa ibang maiinom,

E, di sana ngayon, atay ko’y di sinusumpong!

Kung hindi ko lang sana

Sinukuan ang problema,

Tinanggap, hinarap, sinubukang lusutan,

E, di sana ngayon, hindi ako tinatapak-tapakan!

Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasang isipin na

Sa loob kaya ng mga segundong iyon

Posible ba kaya talagang nabago

Ang takbo ng aking mundo?

Ang politikal at sosyal na klima sa kasalukuyan
Nababalot sa kadiliman ng kasinungalingan
Halos wala nang masilayang pag-asa ang sangkatauhan
Malabong makamit muli ang hustisya sa kuko ng kataksilan

Di masisisi ang mga tuluyang sumuko na’t ayaw nang mangarap
‘Pagkat bangungot ng kahirapa’t kasamaan ang t’wina’y nakakaharap
Mga balitang ayaw at ang katotohanan ibinabaon ng nakatataas
Sa ilalim ng bundok ng korupsyon at nakaw na perang winawaldas

Pero ano ba ang ambag ng tulad mo?
Di naman mayaman, di naman kilala
Di naman politiko na mataas ang puwesto
Di naman makapangyarihan tulad ng iilang tao

Sa totoo lang, di naman kailangan ang lahat ng iyan
Kung pagbabago ang habol, boses mo lang ang kailangan
Bawat post sa social media na laban sa kasinungalingan
Bawat rali at protesta laban sa katiwalian

Bawat tapat na salitang galing sa iyo
Magiging talumpati na kakapitan ng mga puso
Ang mahina nating boses na halos pabulong
Pagsama-samahi’t magiging sigaw na dadagundong

Journal Entry #015076, January 28, 2066
After all these years, I’ve finally done it. I’ve built a functioning time machine. I only managed to go back 2 minutes into the past for my first run, I wasn’t unsure about anything going wrong since I met myself, well to be more specific a future version of myself and he… I mean I gave the mark that I should go in the machine and go back in time. I did not feel anything at all while time travelling. As I emerge from the machine I saw my past self still setting the machine up, I gave him the signal to go in the machine just like what happened to me so I won’t break the cycle. Yeah it sounds confusing but that’s just how time travel is confusing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go further into the past to test the capabilities of my machine.

Journal Entry #015077, January 29, 2016
The machine malfunctioned. Long story short, I’m stuck in the past. I don’t know how this happened, but somehow, 50 minutes turned into 50 years. My plan now is to get back to my original time, but it won’t be easy. First, I need to make some rules.

Rules for Time Travellers

1. Never talk to anyone you know, even yourself. You might disrupt the timeline.

2. As much as possible, make minimal interaction with other people.

3. DO NOT ALTER ANYTHING!

Journal Entry #016202, March 2, 2019
It’s been about 3 years since I got stuck here. Building the machine is taking longer than I expected since I haven’t even gathered some Uranium and other necessary materials yet.
Back then… I mean, in the future, you could probably buy anything anywhere. But here, even the black market has scarce resources. Another thing is I’ve gotten an assistant to help me build the machine. I know I’m sort of breaking rule number two, but hiring one person won’t exactly change major events in the future. She doesn’t even know that we’re building a time machine. All I said was that this is just some wacky project for my university. She’s been a big help so far. The progress has exponentially gone faster with someone else working with me compared to building it alone, but I’m worried that the more time we spend together, my affection for her might grow. I’ll just have to suppress my feelings for the sake of the future.

Journal Entry #016249 April 18, 2019
I think I’m in love with her. I just can’t help it, she’s just so uhhh-mazing! And the thing is, I think she actually likes me too. I don’t know what to do, should I risk causing a big change in the timeline just for her? I’ve went out with her several times already so I guess there’s no turning back now.

Journal Entry #016260 May 29, 2019
I’ve gone too far. Well, she’s pregnant now and this is a huge problem. This could cause a collapse in the space-time continuum and I can’t just make this all disappear. Maybe I should just go and leave. I know it’s hard for a child to grow up without a father, I should know that of all people, but it’s for the sake of not breaking the timeline.

Journal Entry #016662 June 30, 2020
I have fully abandoned the task of building the machine. I have to stay here for my family but I won’t be fully present meaning they would not see me and they’ll think I left them but I’ll just be around watching from a distance, an assurance so I won’t further break the timeline. My child is a boy and his first birthday is coming. I should give him a gift, a blue teddy bear just like the one I got when I was his age. However, I probably won’t let him know who it’s from.

Journal Entry #036878 January 25,2065
Well, I’m almost back to the day I left, but I went the long way by just living out all the years until now. I’m almost dying so I think I won’t make it back exactly when I left. This will be my final journal entry.

Life has been pretty much boring since I already know what’s going to happen. I spent the rest of my years watching over my son, who, of course, looks like me. His mother has Alzheimer’s now, and she stays in a nursing home. From time to time, I visit her and she still knows who I am, but she forgets my visits and gets surprised whenever I’d show up.

Now, my son, he really is something. He’s smart, even finished top of his class, and already has his master’s degree. For the past few years I’ve realized something. My son has no idea, but by next year he’s about to become so famous. In history, he shall be known as the man who invented the first time machine.

Today, let me tell you a tale
About eleven young boys bound to fail
All that is in them is lost and gone
Until an ultimate decision was done

News spread out about a job offering
A group of young men to be sent journeying
For a year or so, they must meet the demands
To satisfy and get recognition from all the lands

Hundreds applied for a spot in the team
For that chance to prove worth, their dream
But only the eleven boys who were bound to fail
Had their share of people watching in grand detail

If one had not been humored he would’ve stayed unknown
He could’ve been lurking on the sidelines, confused and alone
If one had not been charming he would’ve been zero
All his owned clothing tucked back in his bureau

If one had not been loud he would’ve been cut
His dream’s and aspiration’s chance are shut
If one had not strummed he would’ve broke down
People will continuously think he’s nothing but a clown

If one had not swayed he would’ve been broken
The pride of his, is slowly being stolen
If one had not smiled he would’ve been frowning
Had his shyness overcome anything he is fearing

If one had not understood he’d feel disappointment
He’d never feel the difference of people’s treatment
If one had not loved he would’ve felt betrayed
Having to keep up with hundred boys arrayed

If one had not been witty he would’ve felt dumb
He would have no choice but to give in and succumb
If one had not inhaled and exhaled he would’ve been plain
Confidence too small like a white shirt with a stain

If one had not been sent he would’ve been left
Nothing would stay even the soul’s heft
If all of them had not tried, it could’ve been an epiphany
Of seeing different boys deemed weird on the journey

Today, you let me tell you a tale
About eleven young boys bound to fail
All that is in them is lost and gone
Until an ultimate decision was done

With small things together make impact
Scattered concepts turned compact
Imagine what would happen to their life’s trail
If those eleven young boys inevitably fail

Mula pa nang maging magkaklase tayo, wala ka nang ibang ginawa kundi ang mang-asar. Natural naman sa ‘yo na mapang-asar ka pero parang sobra ‘yung panunukso mo sa akin. Hindi lang naman ako ‘yung nakakapansin, pati mga kaibigan mo napupuna rin.

Dahil nga sa ‘yo dumami na ang pangalan ko. Paano ba naman? Kada araw, may bago kang itinatawag sa akin—pandak, pangit, siraulo, baby, at kung ano-ano pa. Tanggap ko naman na maliit ako, pangit, medyo baliw, at iyakin pero sana ‘wag mo namang ipamukha.

Siyempre, sa bawat pang-aasar mo, hindi naman ako nagpapatalo. Binabawian din kita. Minsan, nababatukan na lang kita dahil sa sobrang inis ko. Kaya naman pati mga kaibigan natin, tinutukso na rin tayo. Sinubukan ko na ring manahimik, kaso mangungulit ka pa rin.

Pero kahit ano’ng gawin ko, palagi pa rin akong talo. Sino ba naman kasi ang makakatalo sa ‘yo pagdating sa pang-aasar? Kaya nga palagi kang napapagalitan ng titser dahil kung sino-sino ang tinutukso mo. Umabot pa nga sa punto na napatawag ka na sa Guidance.

Isang araw, biglang natahimik ang mundo ko. Kinailangan kong hindi pumasok ng school dahil sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Hinang-hina ako kaya naman pinilit na muna ako ng magulang ko na huwag na munang pumasok. Akala ko isang araw lang ang itatagal ng sakit ko ngunit, kinailangan kong mag-absent ulit kinabukasan.

Hanggang sa ang dalawang araw, naging tatlo, at umabot pa ng isang linggo. May sakit man ako pero, iyon na yata ang pinakamasayang linggo ng buong taon. Bukod sa walang maingay, walang nang-aasar, nasa akin pa ang atensyon ng aking magulang.

Pagbalik ko ng school, laking tuwa ko na iba na ‘yung inaasar mo. Hindi mo nga rin natanong kung kumusta na ang kalagayan ko kahit sa panunuksong paraan man lang. Hindi mo na rin ako kinukulit, kahit nga pagkibo lang sa akin, hindi mo na rin ginagawa.

Ito naman si Ako, kunwari hindi ko napansin na iba na ‘yung inaasar mo.

Kunwari, hindi ko napuna na tahimik ka na, kapag katabi mo ako.

Kunwari, sanay na akong hindi ako ‘yung inaasar mo. Kunwari, hindi ako apektado.

Kunwari, pareho nating hindi naaalala kung ano ang nangyari bago ako magkasakit.

Kunwari, hindi ko naaalala kung ano ang mga sinabi mo noon.

Kunwari, hindi kita tinanong nang pagalit kung bakit sa dinami-rami ng taong puwedeng asarin, ako ang palagi mong pinagtitripan.

Kunwari, hindi mo sinabi na sa bawat pang-aasar na ibinabato mo ay nais mo lang magpapansin dahil natutuwa kang awayin ako. Kunwari, hindi ka umamin.

Kunwari, hindi ako humingi ng pasensya pagkatapos mong sabihin ‘yon dahil kailanman ay hindi ko inaasahang sasabihin mo ‘yon.

Kunwari, hindi ako tumakbo papalayo.

Kaya ngayon, kunwari, hindi tayo magkakilala.

Pero mas mabuti na ngang ganito na iba na ang inaasar mo at parang hindi na tayo magkakilala.

Ngayong tahimik na ang mundo ko, nakakapanibago. Bakit parang hinahanap-hanap ko ang bawat hirit mo?

Bagong school year, pero di pa rin nagbabago ang makukulit at mahaharot na mga kaklase ko. Minsan maiinis ka, minsan matatawa, pero madalas ay maiingayan ka lang talaga.

“Psst! Psst! ‘Oy, may ¼ ka ba?”

“Wala. Di kasi ako responsableng estudyante,” sarkastikong sagot ko sa iyo habang kinukuha ang file case ko. Buong saya mo namang inilahad ang mga kamay mo na para bang namamalimos. Ang laki pa ng ngiti mo, kitang-kita ang gilagid. Kaasar.

“’Ayan, sa susunod kasi, bumili ka ng school supplies,” padabog kong ibinigay sa iyo ‘yung papel.

“Bakit pa ako bibili, e, nandiyan ka naman para bigyan ako?” sabay pisil sa pisngi ko.

Napahiyaw ako sa diin ng pagkakapisil mo at hinampas ko ang mga kamay mo. Tinawanan mo lang ako.

“Ay, ang sweet naman ng mga ‘to! Ang aga-aga, nang-iingit kayo ng mga single!” kantiyaw ng isang kaklase natin.

“Luh, ‘nong sinasabi mo? Mandiri ka nga,” asar kong tugon at umayos na sa pagkakaupo ko.

Parati na lang ganiyan. Tutuksuhin nila tayo sa tuwing lalapit ka sa akin, o ako sa iyo. Sabi kasi nila, bagay tayo.

Jusko, tayo, bagay? E, para nga tayong mga aso’t pusa tuwing naglalapit. Pag hihingan o hihiraman mo ako ng gamit, may mangyayari munang asaran o hampasan bago ko ibigay sa iyo ‘yung hinihingi mo. Pag magkatabi naman tayo sa upuan ay napakaingay natin kasi parati mo akong kukulitin at maaasar ako sa iyo.

Talagang aabangan nila ang bawat kilos natin pag magkasama tayo. Ewan ko ba sa kanila, akala yata nila gusto natin ang isa’t isa. Napipikon na nga ako. Pilit sila nang pilit, di naman totoo.

Nakakainis talaga, nakakairita, nakakabuwi—

“Ay, naputol.” Naputol ‘yung dulo ng lapis na gamit ko. “Ano ba naman ‘yan, wala pa naman akong pantasa.”

“Meron ako, teka lang,” sabi mo sa akin. Narinig mo pala ako. Inabot mo sa akin ang maliit na pantasa, pero bigla mong binawi nang hawak ko na.

“Libre mo muna ako,” ngiting-ngiti mong sabi habang tinatago ‘yung pantasa sa likod mo.

“’Di pa ba sapat ‘yung mga binigay ko sa ’yong papel, pinahiram na bolpen at correction tape simula Grade 7? Grabe, abuso ka, a!”

“Dali na, kahit isang Chocnut lang.”

“YIEEEEEEE!” narinig kong naghiyawan na ‘yung mga kaklase natin. ‘Eto na naman tayo.

“Ano ba ‘yan, doon nga kayo sa labas. Nilalanggam na ‘yung room!”

Nakakainis.

“Puwede ba, tama na?” saway ko sa kanila.

“Ang alin?” tanong mo.

“’Yung pag-a-assume nila. Di naman kasi totoo.”

“Na?”

“Na may gusto tayo sa isa’t isa! E, di naman—”

“Gusto mo, totohanin natin?”

Napatitig ako sa iyo. Seryoso ‘yung mukha mo. Di ko akalaing sasabihin mo ‘yun. Naguluhan ako, pero bigla kang napangisi at tumawa nang malakas.

“Ang benta mo! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Anak ng tokwa.

“Kainis ka, buset.” Hinampas kita. Nakakainis.

“Aray! Oo na, joke lang ‘yon. Pero sa bagay, di naman talaga totoo ‘yun,” sabi mo.

Nanikip ‘yung dibdib ko. Bakit ba ako nagagalit? Buwiset.

“Pa’no, e, ako lang naman kasi ‘yung may gusto sa ’yo,” bigla mong sinabi sa akin.

Bagong school year na, pero di pa rin nagbabago ang makulit kong puso. Hanggang ngayon, gusto kita, simula pa man nang nanghingi ka ng ¼ na papel noon, noong napansin ko ‘yung inosente mong ngiti na tumatak sa puso ko.

How does it feel?

It feels like a disaster
Like a callous hurricane in the somber aisles of dawn
Or a burning kiss of fire with agony that I cannot bear.
It terribly seems like an interminable gush of flood
Pouring all these spiteful blames on me.
So here I am – drowning
While everyone around me is breathing just fine.

I open my eyes and I’m surrounded by the finest goods and chattels,
A top-notch house for a well-heeled family
Apparently, I possess everything a person desires.
But in this partition between opulence and bliss,
I actually own nothing but the first one
And a shedload of profound longing for the other.
Sigh.

I then turn around to find myself lost in a room full of men in grey suits
All have stolid faces, hard-pressed at two in the morning.
I look down on a massive pile of paperwork, yet I only see one thing – remorse.
Why did I ever settle with pursuing this desperate endeavour?
Perhaps we always hurtle towards the easy choices –
The reckless choices that will eventually obliterate us.

And within a touch of flutter
Everything flashes back.

I glance down once more, towards a pile of paper
A different scatter this time – the one I had years ago
I curse my conscience with an inevitable feat of realization
About the fact that the littlest of things can cause the most grievous of disasters
And that little reason of mine is this piece of paper –
A college application.

How does it feel?

To go through whistling rapids and shallows
Just because I opted to take the course of eminence and wealth
And not the one I’m sincerely passionate about?

6:10 ng umaga na nang magising ang binata,
Huli na naman ang gising nang sampung minuto.
“’Sus maliit na bagay, sampung minuto lang naman.”

Saktong isang oras ay nakarating ng eskuwelahan ang binata
Siya’y huli nang sampung minuto’t napagsarhan na ng tarangkahan.
“’Sus maliit na bagay, ngayon lang naman ulit ako na-late. Uwi na lang ako.”

“Boy, piso mo, nalaglag,” tawag sa kaniya ng guwardiya ng paaralan
Hindi pinansin ng binata ang mama at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.
“’Sus maliit na bagay, piso lang naman. Sa inyo na ‘yan.”

Pumila sa sakayan ng dyip ang binata
May mga pulis siyang natanaw, may hinahanap na tumakas na adik.
“’Sus maliit na bagay, small-time adik lang naman.”

Magbabayad na ng pamasahe sa barker nang siya’y mapakamot sa ulo
Kulang ng piso ang pamasahe niya!
“’Sus maliit na bagay, maglalakad na lang ako, tutal malapit lang ang bahay.”

Sa isang madilim na eskinita ay may lalaking tumatakbo
‘Yun ay ang adik at hinostage pa nito ang binata at napatay nang magipit.
“’Sus maliit na bagay, ang importante, napatay ang adik,” sabi ng mga pulis.

It is now the year 200,800 of the Terran calendar. The human race has been wiped out again after 300 loops. As of now, an estimated 60% of the loops were humans being eradicated by another interstellar empire, 30% by natural causes, 5% by anthropogenic causes, and the remaining 5% was caused by some 4th Dimensional.

My name is Autonomous Guardian of Humanity or “Agh” but I simply refer to myself as “Loopy”. I was designed, as my original name implies, to secure humanity and save them from extinction. If I fail to do so, it is imperative that I turn back time and help humanity survive. Currently I have ‘looped’ or reset for 300 times. I am capable of quantum regeneration, meaning I can replace and replenish my very particles, or in other words, I can’t die.

The last loop resulted yet again in another human extinction. This time, humanity was wiped out by a genocidal campaign by the interstellar civilization called the Malachs.

Year 200,800 AD; Tau Ceti System, 300th Loop
“Dammit, they lost to those pretty, baby-faced, fair-skinned and very angelic savages from the Nefertiti Sector? Arghhh I gave ‘em 40th Millenia Technology from the 298th loop, specifically from year 40,308, during the 1860s to the Prussians. Everything went well. They achieved global unity in 1920, no civil wars, few interplanetary and interstellar civil unrest. Then everything went downhill when they picked up a damn “disco ball” in a nebula, which in turn became a gateway for the Malachs to enter human space.”

Hmmm. Maybe I miscalculated something.

Maybe I was 062 nanoseconds late and a little too far away, maybe I was 5 centimeters too far away from the throne, when I talked to the King of Prussia.

“Oh well, it’s time to reset time again. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get this right and surely would gain humanity a longer survival duration.”

Damn I wish this time, Humanity would last at least 2,000,000 years. During the 168th loop, the longest time of existence, they lasted for 1,567,890 years until they were decimated by simultaneous gamma ray bursts from all directions, which also consequently caused the extinction of all life in the Milky Way.

Agh or Loopy went to his private and cozy ‘time chamber’, also known as the Time Machine. The device is powered by a 50cm thick platinum and graphite cord, capable of handling cosmic-level currents. The cord gets its power from 55 Red Giant sized Dysonspheres. Loopy then attached the cord to his tailbone, dialed the time and place, and he was zapped away.

January 6, 1860; Empire of Prussia, Germany, 301st Loop
A beam of light and a torrent of plasma scorched the grasslands. Loopy walked out of the beam and took a look at his $55,000 worth 24k golden plated platinum Swiss wristwatch that he stole from a museum in Austria during the 69th Loop.

“Oh, look, I am right on time. It’s 12:38 pm and the day is January 6, and the year is 1860. Time to meet the king… again.”

Loopy then proceeds to go to the King’s palace. After giving an introduction, speech, demonstration of 40th Millenia technology, and receiving the same reactions, applause and replies from the same people in the last 15 loops, he then oversees the progress of humanity, it would not feel long for Loopy for he has lived
for at least tens of millions of years since his activation before his 1st loop.

Year 200,510 AD; Sirius System, 301st Loop
“Are you FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? Arghhh they defeated the Malachs with a pre-emptive strike, but those pretty-boy aliens unleashed their trump card. Now Humanity has been wiped out again… Well, it’s time to do my job.”

Loopy went back again to 1860 and talked to the King. This time, he slapped the consul, for he calculated that this will improve the result. He oversaw the progress, and again, humanity died. This time, it was 13 years after his arrival. He went back in time again (1860), talked to the King, but this time he slapped the princess as well, which resulted in humanity’s extinction by the hands of a gigantic deadly space crocodile eating the whole solar system.

“I have no idea how that happened.”

Knowing that slapping the princess would cause the eventual digestion of the solar system by an Eldritch being, and slapping the consul would result into an early extinction within 13 years, he went back in time again (1860). He talked to the King, and he made a fart joke. He calculated that this could improve the chances of humanity to survive. However, humanity managed to usher in another interstellar empire to invade the planet, which ended in the total subjugation of humanity. He then proceeds to go back in time for 143 more times and tried the same procedure: talk to the King, do a random action, oversee. And in those 143 loops, humanity still perished.

“I am tired! I want to drink some beer or something. You know, a break. I am tired of seeing the king and his court members’ faces every time I resave them.”

He went back again (1860 in Prussia), but instead of going to the king, he went straight towards a German brewery and got wasted there. Once the brewery became empty, he ‘looped’ or reset time again to the moment he enters the brewery, to drink again, and again, and again.

January 6, 1860; Unnamed German Brewery, Earth, 845th Loop
“Should I go back to work? Ehh I’ll go back after 400 more loops.”

Then he proceeds to empty the brewery, for 400 times. Time is of no concern to Agh or Loopy. He is ageless and eternal. Sometimes he would take a very long break, not just hanging out at some random brewery in Germany but a long break that lasts until the eventual heat death of the universe. Every mistake is pointless since he may reverse ‘em. However, Agh or Loopy , sometimes despairs at the fact that he can’t break away from this eternally recurring cycle. He knows that eventually, humanity will always perish, and there are too many factors for him to foresee what could affect the instances.
But that does not deter him, for as much as how he hates humanity’s folly and incompetence, he still persists, for he is the Autonomous Guardian of Humanity. His purpose is to preserve the human race, even though it will need infinite resetting.

Year 1956 AD, 500,001st Loop
Humanity once again perished. This time, a great Eldritch horror by the name of Tjng’Khjal was awakened by some crazed cultists, who then proceeded to exterminate the humans.

Are you kidding me? Giving that letter to that boy actually led to this?

Sigh

“Well then, time to resave these buggers.”

Sigh

“Resave ‘em again.”

Sa bawat bagyong parating
May isang paruparong salarin
Punit-punit at mahina
Ang mga pakpak nitong may istorya

Sa bawat bagyong parating
Ang paruparo’y mapapaisip
Kung saan, ano, at sino
Ang nagkamali sa pagpapasya

Itong matandang lalake ba na mag-isa?
Ito bang luhaang buntis na dalaga?
Ang bunso na lumayas sa tirahan nila?
O ang ama na di umiimik kasama ang pamilya?

Sa bawat bagyong parating
May kinalaman ang bawat daang tutunguhin
Walang tama o maling sagot
Ngunit may mas ligtas at mas masalimuot

Sa bawat bagyong parating
Tadhana’y di maaaring suwayin
Kaya’t dapat dahan-dahan sa pagpapasya
Dahil ang bawat daan ay iba’t ibang kuwento ang dala

Literary: The Curiosity Shop of Miss Adelaide Bell

Literary: Sa Aking Pagbagsak

Literary: Downhill (I'm Sorry)

Literary: Bagsak

Literary: The Bug Precept

Literary: Actions and Consequences

Literary: Ikaw Pa Rin Ba

Literary: Kung

Literary: Ano ang Ambag Mo?

Literary: Time Traveller's Son

Literary: If one had not

Literary: Kunwari

Literary: Wamport

Literary: Piece of Paper

Literary: Maliliit na Bagay

Literary: Re:Save (Again)

Literary: Sa Bawat Bagyong Parating

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