My Life, My Freedom

I am Juan Dela Cruz. I wanted to go to school and study hard, play computer games and go partying, [Have some fun naman, if no, di na kita friend. >:(] graduate with honors [I am sorry, but it is your fault you failed to comply with my outrageous and irrelevant demands and expectations.], go to college and get a diploma [Due to the state of things, you will have to settle for a lower quality university, and you will have to go through the eye of a needle to get accepted.] , get a job as a doctor. [My children will be successful doctors like me.] [We do need more doctors], start a family [Lol, I think mas cool if you put this before the graduate part, dejk lang.] [Don’t you dare, I hear a single whisper about something like this, there will be consequences!] [We concur, we will shun you if you do so.].

High School

In my youth, I regularly irregularly [Those “unexcused absences” say otherwise.] attended classes in a fairly decent high school [Mej debatable pero sige.]. I barely studied diligently and eventually miraculously [The class was not that difficult, you were just lazy.] graduated [No awards? How can I call you my child when I was class valedictorian, and you did not even graduate with honors!].

College

I applied and took BS Biology because it was the best course to take with my career goal in mind my parents made me do so. I relented because it would give me an opportunity to get away from them. I wanted to get my life together and academically perform better now that I was in college, so I distanced myself from bad influences isolated myself from friends [Dude. it was just one party, come on, nothing bad happened. Tell you what, I'll introduce you to some “friends” I know you’d like]. College life was not as easy as I hoped it would be, the stress got to me I got lazy and I tried to find comfort in friends bad company. We studied together and were there for each other We hit bar after bar, and did several morally and legally questionable things. Good thing I was careful, my friends were not so lucky, some of them went to jail and/or became early parents. Due to my activities, I could no longer rely on my parent’s allowance, I was too ashamed to admit to them what I have been doing and ask for an increase. I told them I would get a part-time job to fuel my unhealthy lifestyle “help my finances”. That was the first time they said that they were proud of me.

Downfall

Unfortunately, this meant I had less time to study. I knew that if I did not get help I would fail. So I started meditating and exercising started abusing Adderall and Modafinil [Told you it would help you dude.]. to help me study.

Enduring Nightmare

Eventually, this cycle of hell ended, and [Hey now, college is important for you! You are better off this way than not.] I graduated. Little did I know, I would shortly go through another similar experience in earning my medical degree.

Placebo

After all my hardships, I finally became a doctor, albeit in residency. I thought mMy parents would be happy when I told them. The first question out of their mouths was, “After your residency, what country do you plan on working in? Don’t tell me you plan on staying here, you should make more money than I did, go to the States!”. I severed contact soon after.

Beginning of the End

I told myself, things will finally be better when I got my practice. I barely noticed it when it came. [Finally, now you can be an actual productive member of society! Good job.] Maybe I would now be happy when I met everyone’s expectations made a lot of money, when I got a big house, a fast car, or when I cared for others.

Peers: We had a lot of fun back then didn’t we? We had that 💯% lit 🔥 af life 👌😂. You sure you don’t want to hit the ol-regulars? It’s stressful being a doctor, you know.

Teachers: You were a mediocre student, at least now that you are a doctor, you are not completely useless. It’s nice to know we did not waste our time on you.

Parents: We agree with the teacher’s comments in that you were a mediocre student. it would’ve been preferable if you didn’t hang out with your so called “friends”. You should have listened to us! The money you make here is but a fraction of what you could have had in the States!

Society: Hey now, sure you had your downs, but frankly, I don’t care! Now, when can I expect you to be treating people and stimulating the economy?

Gumising ka aking anak

At salubungin ang umaga

Nang may ngiti sa labi

Dahil sa wakas, ito na.

Kalimutan ang nakaraan

Ngunit tandaan ang mga natutunan.

Mga pagkakamaling nagawa noon

‘Wag mo nang ulitin pa.

Taas noo kang maglakad

Buong-pusong ipagmalaki

Na ika’y nagbago na

Para sa sarili at sa kapwa.

Ang mga umagang darating

Hindi na katulad ng dati

Ito’y mga bagong umaga

Hatid ay pag-asa.

Hatinggabi na, pero heto gising pa rin. Sadyang ayaw lang talaga ako patulugin ng isip ko. Mahirap talaga makalimutan ang aking naging mga paglalakbay, ngunit tandang-tanda ko pa rin ang mga ito na parang kahapon lang nangyari. Nagsimula ang lahat sa dalawang pangungusap. Mahirap paniwalaan, pero oo, nagsimula ito sa kwentong dalawang pangungusap lamang. Sinundan naman ito ng mahaba-habang sagutan tungkol sa Wild World. Bigla tuloy akong napatanong ng Kailan Kaya? Na hindi pa rin nasasagot kaya pwede bang pakisabi na lang.

Sabi nila ang paglalakbay daw ay ang pagtulak sa sarili mo sa extreme at pagtuklas sa iyong mga kakayahan. Bilang mga kabataan, oo dapat natin gawin ito. Ngunit siguraduhin lang natin na tama ang ating ipinaglalaban dahil tayo ang pag-asa ng bayan, Kabataan Tayo. Pero ano nga ba ang paglalakbay kung hindi ka sasakay ng eroplano. Alam ko medyo nakakatakot lalo na ‘pag naalala mo ang mga trahedya tulad ng Tres-Setenta. Pero paano kung maiiwasan mo ito? Paano kung mayro’n kang relo na nagsasabi kung kailan ka mamamatay? Literal na Hour of Death ang malalaman mo, alam ko medyo surreal na ideya pero paano nga ba talaga?

Sa paglalakbay, dapat laging pairalin ang utak at puso, pero paano nalang Kapag Nag-Isip ang Puso? Sasabihin kaya nito ang mga tunay na nararamdaman? Siguradong ipapakita nito ang ating paraiso, My Dreams at Experiencing Fantasy. Pero minsan talaga mapapasabi ka na lang ng Ganun Talaga ‘pag hindi mo alam ang sagot. Ganoon pa ‘man, naging Panunumpa Ko sa bawat buwan ang ipagpatuloy ang paglalakbay kahit maraming hadlang at para bang walang katapusan ang problema, kung kayo’y nagtataka kung anong mga pagsubok ito, It’s a Mystery for the Best. Basta may kinalaman ito sa ating bansa, yun bang The Best and the Brightest daw sila pero hindi naman talaga.

Ewan ko na, basta ang importante maraming natutunan sa paglalakbay. Mga aral na magagamit sa mga susunod pang paglalakbay upang mas maging maayos ang daanang tatahakin. Ako nga pala si Edgewright, nawa’y natuwa kayo sa pagbabasa ng aking mga paglalakbay. Hatinggabi na pala, kailangan ko nang magpahinga upang maghanda sa panibagong biyahe, hanggang sa muli!

As a student, I have always searched for gems. Not because of their precious appearance, but because of the invaluable meanings associated with them. Whenever I find one, I believe they represent my journey to becoming a better version of myself.

Six years ago, I was given the chance to look for such stones in two top universities. The first one is known for its sapphires. I was dazzled by the shiny blue sparkles – the nobility of the pious priests, the dignity of the scholarly students, the elevated social class of the rich kids. Since I wanted to regain the honor and high status I once enjoyed in my previous school, I was convinced to pay the 10,000-peso fee, no matter how expensive it was.

But there was a sudden change in the plan. The day before I was about to pay the enrollment fee in that university, I received a letter from another one I have not heard of. I was invited to collect the rubies and emeralds in that university. But I found the gemstones duller than those in the school I first applied for. The fiery glare of the rubies horrified me – the rowdiness of the protesters, the alleged alliance with disgruntled rebels. The grass-like emeralds, on the other hand, were disgusting – the low social status of the students, plus the lack of civilization of the buildings. Nonetheless, the dean told me that I did not have to spend anything – not even a centavo.

I could not decide where to look for gemstones. I did not really like the latter university because I thought that the students had no class at all and complained about the mundane. But I also had to listen to my parents – they told me that the school I wanted would teach me that social inequality and materialism are acceptable. In the end, I gave in, albeit grudgingly.

It was my first year. I felt like a complete reject in my new school. Almost everyone there told me that I was so burgués. Almost everyone there did not approve of my elitist attitude – bragging about achievements and looking down on the poor. Almost everyone there told me to stop pretending to live a fantasy and become more aware of the social realities happening around.

I would not do those, I insisted.

Day by day, I would tell my parents that I wanted to stop searching for those rubies and emeralds. I ranted to them that going there was not a good choice, and that I would have been more socially accepted in the other wealthier university. I begged them to let me enroll in that place where I could be one with rich, snobbish intellectuals and flaunt my flair.

Give it a second chance. Try again, they replied.

So during my second year, I tried to open my mind. I tried to befriend people who do not normally click with me. Those who dress simply, keep their offensive thoughts to themselves, and spend their money allowance prudently. They might not emit a sapphire-like sophistication, but at least they are humble and down-to-earth. Like the green energy emanated by the emerald. Not bad.

I also tried to engage in discussions about pressing issues. Those who complain about the exploitation of labor, expose the expanding neocolonialism of the US, and worry for worsening apathy of the youth. I might not agree with all of them, but at least they are critical and champion social awareness. Like the fiery fervor of the ruby.

By the end of eighth grade, my parents asked me again if I would still continue until the end of high school. I told them my sudden enlightenments – that my new classmates still have manners and social awareness. Going here... is not really bad at all, I admitted.

That meant I would continue looking for the ruby and the emerald for the next four years. I have changed – I have become more humble and tolerant of the differences of others. I have also educated myself of various social commentaries. But those are not enough to find the two gems. In fact, I still have met a number of frustrations even today.

I have not yet found the emerald – the deep, harmonious connection I have yearned. To admit, I still come across as unwelcoming to a lot of people because I want to look dignified all the time. I have always thought that asserting myself and not tolerating nonsense would command respect to others. However, that intimidated them. That also prevented me from revealing my insecurities, finding common ground, and relating with them. As if I had to set aside my fixation on self-regard just to do so.

I have also not yet found the ruby – the burning spirit of the protesters. Honestly, I still have second thoughts about my school's tradition. I appreciate that student-protesters want to elicit a message – a message so powerful enough to alert the entire minds of the preoccupied. But most of the protests fail to initiate action from the masses. The message is just left there, but that does not translate to solving all the issues covered. As if I had to think that rallying is one-hundred percent effective just for me to join.

It has been six years since I started my search for the two gems in my school right now. But I am not giving up. I still have a few more months to make the most of my high school, confront my frustrations, and fully imbibe in the red-green spirit of my school. In that way, I will become what I aspire to be – a better version of myself.

Pebrero na. Napakaraming magaganap ngayong taon kahit na nagsisimula pa lang ang taon. Kaba at takot na ang bumabalot sa akin dahil sa mga paparating na resulta ng mga unibersidad na pinagkunan namin ng exam.

Unang linggo pa lamang napapaisip na ako sa tungkol sa aking magiging kolehiyo dahil maliit na ilabas ang mga resulta . Ang nakakatawa dito tatlong unibersidad lang ang pinagkunan ko ng exam: UP, Ateneo, at PUP. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang aking mararamdaman dahil hindi ko alam kung sapat na ang bilang ng mga unibersidad na pinagkunan ko ng exam.

Linggo ng hapon, nag-chat sa batch gc namin ang aking batchmate. Lumabas na raw ang resulta ng mga kumuha ng De La Salle University College Admission Test o DCAT. Nakita ko ang mga post ng aking mga batchmate na sila ay nakapasa.

Hindi ako nag-exam sa La Salle dahil una, ito ay malayo sa aking tinitirahan at pangalawa, mahal ang tuition fee rito. Kahit ganoon, tiningnan ko pa rin ang mga resultang sinend nila sa group chat at natuwa akong tingnan na marami sa kanila ang pumasa ngunit nakaramdam din ako ng lungkot at kaba. Maraming pumasok sa isip ko tulad ng papaano kung wala akong kolehiyong mapuntahan? Paano na ako?

Sa takot kong mabigo ang mga magulang ko at mapahiya sa buong batch at sa mga kaibigan ko, halos araw-araw akong umiiyak at nalulungkot. Parang kapag humaharap ako sa mga kaibigan ko ang bukambibig ko ay 'pag hindi ako nag-college magvo-vlog na lang ako sa youtube. Ang importante ay pagkatapos itatago ko sa tawa ang kaba at takot na nararamdaman ko.

Hanggang sa hindi ko na kinaya, kinausap ko na ang aking kaibigan at sinabing hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Humaharap ako sa mga tao nang masaya at malakas, pero kapag nakatalikod na ako puro pagdadalawang–isip, lungkot, kaba, at takot ang nararamdaman ko. Binuhos ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kaibigan ko. Ngunit ang mga binitawan niyang salita sa akin ang nakapagpagaan ng loob ko. Sinabi niyang hindi naman nasusukat ang aking pagkatao kung saan at gaano karaming unibersidad ang naipasa ko. Dagdag pa rito, sinabi niya rin na kahit anong mangyari ay proud silang mga kaibigan ko at mga magulang ko sa akin kung ano man ang kolehiyong mapuntahan ko. Ang importante ay ginawa ko ang aking makakaya. Mas nabuhayan akong maging positibo sa kung ano man mangyari sa akin sa kolehiyo. Kaya ko ito ginagawa ay para sa aking sarili, kaibigan at pamilya. Kaya hindi dapat ako nawawalan ng pag-asa sa kahit anong bagay. Patuloy akong aabante kahit sa mga pagkakataong pasuko na ako.

Journal Entry #20

01.01.2020

I can’t believe it’s my final year in high school. I’ve been going to the same school, which I treated as my second home, for the past 13 years, and now, in a few months, I’m leaving. Time flies by so fast! I remember when I took my test here and how clueless and weird I felt when my parents were almost crying with joy because I passed and qualified for UPIS. They were more excited than me, and I thought it was just another school for another year.

On my first day, I immediately made friends with most of the class. In third grade, I knew each and every one of my batch mates and spent the whole of elementary getting to know them. By the time we’re all in high school, we were all so close despite having different circles of friends. I made some great group of friends.

In high school, I had a hard time because I chose a strand I’m not very good at. I had a hard time keeping up with submitting the requirements, and sometimes not even doing them. There were a lot of nights when I broke down and cried myself to sleep, or literally had no sleep at all. I would just cry until it was time for me to wake up and get ready for another day at school. But on the other hand, I was really thankful for being a part of this team I’m currently on because I learned a lot of new things and I developed more of my skills in this field. It was a great, sometimes bumpy, ride with y’all, MC 2020, and I couldn’t ask for better colleagues.

Yours truly,

Orange Popsicle, MC 2020

Nagsimula ang lahat sa papel at bolpen. Sabi ko lang ay gusto kong magsulat--gusto kong subukan. Malay mo ito ang talento kong ‘di ko pa natutuklasan.

Sinubukan kong bumuo ng konsepto, nagsulat ng mga malalalim at mababaw na salita, pinasa sa UPIS Media Center, pero sa araw ng pub, hindi ito nailathala.

Napaisip ako na baka wala nga naman kasi akong talento roon, pero natuwa ako noong nagsulat ako. Kakaibang tuwa ang naramdaman ko, parang punong-puno ang puso ko. Kaya sabi ko, isa pa, baka naman hindi ko lang naihayag nang maayos ang mga nais kong sabihin.

Kaya sinubukan ko ulit. Bumuo ulit ako ng konsepto, nagsulat, pinasa sa UPIS Media Center, at nailathala sa pangalang Pikachu.

Noong araw na iyon, isinilang ang bagong ako. Mistulang ospital kung saan ipinapanganak ang mga sanggol na wala pang muwang sa mundo. Sa room 115 kung saan talento ko’y unang nabuo.

Sa’yo, MC, maraming salamat sa pagpapakilala sa akin kung sino ako. Sa pagbibigay-buhay sa bagong bersyon ko at sa paghubog sa akin kung sino ako ngayon.

Sa pagtatapos ng aking paglalakbay bilang si Pikachu, napagtanto ko na higit pa sa ligaya ang nararamdaman ng puso ko tuwing nagsusulat ako. Ngayong patapos na ang lahat, aking babaunin lahat ng itinatak mong aral sa akin, MC.

It's surprising to see how I'm staring at the bottom of this escalator again here in the mall downtown where my mother used to take me out shopping.

This grid pattern of the metallic ridges on the landing plate still feel cold to the feet despite wearing leather shoes. Back when I was seven, I'd wait a while just to feel the vibrating sensation below me, eyes closed, before my mother grips my hand tighter to pull me into the escalator's steps. Now it's just me, wallowing at the sight of the yellow outlines of the rising metal steps appearing in front as I slowly, delicately grab onto the comfy rubber handrails. And the force of the machine drives me forward to take a step.

Slightly wobbling and out of balance, I composed myself to stand up straight while staring at the line of retail stores with flashing colors to my right. Snapping to the left, I see faces going down opposite of my direction. Familiar faces. Faces of my two childhood friends, the bully back in elementary, my grandfather, the postman who came by every Sunday, my first girlfriend, our homeroom teacher, my mother. It's funny, it's been a while. A long while.

I looked at my hands; they couldn't reach the handrails anymore. I shrunk. I'm a child again.

A teardrop trickled ever so slightly, before it hit the ascending step below me. I looked back up to the top of the flight. Somebody must've installed a trash can between the parallel escalators after I left town, though I do recognize the potted plant across it to the right still standing tall. I fixed my collar and stepped out of the escalator with perfect timing. As I pictured, the good ol' upper floor looks the same; yet something felt different and new. I let out a hefty sigh.