Photo Story: To You
Showing posts with label paradox. Show all posts
Literary: Walking Down Memory Lane
“Would you please hold my hand one last time?”
“Maybe, this is our happy ending.”
Stage 6: The Break-up
I’ve decided
And I think, you did too.
The more I try to get to you,
The more we hurt each other
I hate how we reached this point
Full of regrets
As if we never found love in the space of one another
I hate how my heart and body keep
Remembering all these stages we’ve been through
Even though, in the end, I did lose you
“Nothing seems to go right.”
Stage 5: Tolerance
You’ve changed.
And I have too.
The fire that raged between us
Turned to smoke that fogs our state of mind.
I hate how we argue about
The dumbest little things
As if our bodies just want us to wrangle.
I hate how my heart and body always debate
If this is still love
Or just the fear of being alone.
“I remember how comfortable we were with each other.”
Stage 4: Comfortable
Every time you are around
All I feel is you
You-- and the love that you have
Your arms wrapped around me
Just to make me feel safe
But
Sometimes, it doesn’t
Sometimes, it breaks me
Too tight and I’m falling to pieces
Too loose and it doesn’t feel the same
Whenever I close my eyes,
I wonder what if our stars weren't aligned?
“I can still remember how aggressive the butterflies were.”
Stage 3: Honeymoon
Every time I see you through my eyes,
All that surrounds you became a blur
But you-- you move in slow motion
As if you are taking your time
To show how beautiful you are to me.
Ironically,
Seeing you in my mind is not slow in pace.
It is fast.
Quick.
And you are all I can see
Standing in the altar
Wearing a fine suit.
Stage 2: The Chase
I won’t forget how I loved you.
Stage 1: Meeting
I won’t forget how we met.
“Maybe, we weren’t that bad of a couple.”
“You are still perfect.”
“And so are you.”
Then they both said,
“But not for each other.”
*inspired by Wong Fu’s Strangers Again
Literary: Sanlibo't Saya
Ako lang ba ang nakakamiss sa dating tayo?
Nakakamiss ang isang libong mga letra mula sa mga labi mo na nagsasabing magiging “okay” rin ako.
Nakakamiss ang isang libong minutong paghihintay ko sa pagdating mo sa labas ng bahay ko.
Nakakamiss ang natatanging yakap mo na nakakapawi ng pagod ko mula sa buong araw na trabaho.
Sabi na nga ba,
Dapat na hindi ako nasasanay sa mga bagay na nagmumula sa inyong mga lalaki.
Dapat nga ay hindi ako naakit sa maskara mong “too good to be true”.
Oo. Natauhan na ‘ko.
Siguro nga’y ‘di na talaga natin mahal ang isa’t-isa.
Siguro nga’y pawang nakasanayan na lamang ang mga ito.
Aminin man natin o hindi
Ang relasyon natin ay pawang isang ilusyon na lamang.
Nakakatawa kung paanong
Sa isang libo nating pagkakamali,
At sa isang libong pagbabati,
Isa lang pala ang ating kahahantungan,
Ang hiwalayan.
Literary: Hindi Makatulog x Hindi Magising
Anong oras na pero heto pa rin ako
Gising na gising at hindi madapuan ng antok.
Anong oras na pero ito pa rin ako
Nakahiga sa kama, nakatingin sa kawalan
Tulad ng ginawa ko noong nakita kong kasama mo siya.
Sa aking pagmulat ng mata,
Dasal ko ang iyong kaligayahan
Gusto kong mahimbing ng napakalalim
Makalimot lamang kahit sandali
Ang sabi nila, gumising raw ako sa katotohanan
Lason ang relasyon namin
At tumingin na lamang ako sa iba.
Kahit alam kong sa oras na buksan kong muli
Ang mga mata ko, ay ganoon pa rin,
Nasasaktan kahit hindi ka akin.
Kahit di ko alam kung ako’y magigising pa,
Siya pa rin ang mahal ko at hindi ikaw.
Mag-uumaga na`t nakatulala pa rin
Sa buwan maihahalintulad ang sitwasyon natin.
Nasa lupa ako at ikaw ang langit.
Kailanma’y hindi magsasama, hindi maglalapit.
Narito ako ngayon nakatanaw sa kalangitan,
Pinanonood ang araw
Kung paanong hahalik sa linya ng hangganan.
Hinahangad na ika’y tulad ng araw,
Magpaalam ka na sa iyong nararamdaman.
Natutuod sa tuwing mapapalapit ka.
Pero kahit na malayo ang pagitan natin,
Sa panaginip tayo’y nagkakalapit din.
Hindi man totoo,
Mainam na rin dahil paggising sa umaga
May ngiti sa labi.
Nagniningning ang mga mata.
Siguro ngang hindi mo kasalanan
Ang magkagusto sa taong ‘di ka mahal.
Ayoko mang saktan ang iyong nararamdaman.
Ngunit tigilan mo na ako.
Pagkat ang panaginip ay mananatiling isang panaginip.
Alas singko na`t kailangan nang bumangon
Saka pa lamang ako dinalaw ng antok.
Huli na nang dumating,
Tulad ko na dapat noon pa sana umamin
Bago ka pa niya angkinin.
Kailangang magpatuloy.
Pero hindi ako titigil na umasa
Na tayo`y para sa isa’t isa.
Alas dose na’t kailangan ko nang matulog.
Sabihin mo nang napakasama kong tao
Sabi nila, kailangan ko nang gumising,
Na marami ang nagmamahal sa’kin
Kaya, maraming salamat sa pagmamahal mo.
Hanggang dito lang talaga ako.
Literary: Reflection
I looked at myself
On a full-length mirror
While looking at my hair,
I remembered the feeling
When you caressed my locks
Until I fell asleep
While looking at my shoulders,
I remembered the way
Your arms enveloped me
As you gave me only half a hug
While looking at my hands,
I remembered how you grabbed them
Whenever we joined the crowds,
And also, the nights I spent crying into them
When you left me.
I remembered how I kneeled
To beg for your forgiveness
And how I am on my knees as I prayed
To ask the Lord for you to come back
I asked myself,
“How can I move on
When even just looking at myself
Makes me think of you?”
Literary: Long Stemmed Rose
I always water the rose
You gave me on Valentine’s Day.
Every drop of liquid
That kisses its red petals
Reminds me of how sweet and romantic
You once were.
Each time I try to touch
The long-stemmed flower,
I always get pricked by its thorns.
Yes, it hurts
And stings
But what hurts the most
Are the sharp words
That pricked my heart,
And the jealousy
That stings whenever
I see the sight of you and her
But just like the rose,
Our time ran out and
What we once had
Has now wilted.
Literary: The Only Word
I’ve made my decision
and that is to leave.
I am done with the constant fights.
I am done with all the crying.
I am done with all these.
And I am done with you.
I can’t feel anything but
hatred, loathing, anger and antipathy.
All I wanted was to hurt you but
I knew that it would hurt me more.
And I hate you for that.
I hate you for always making me feel this way.
I hate you for just standing there
and saying nothing.
I hate you for not saying the only word
that can make the turmoil in my heart disappear
One word, four letters to put everything in place:
“Stay.”
It was the only word I wanted to hear from you.
But you said nothing.
Literary: Déjà Vu
You stand there in front of me
And I stand here, staring at the earth.
I don’t see you, but I know you’re looking at me.
I close my eyes as I remember
That moment in this exact setting
When it just did not feel right.
That moment when I knew the universe
Was telling us nothing but to part.
Nothing moved until
I felt your hands on mine
Sliding onto my arms
Then to the curve of my spine.
And at that moment,
I swore,
I will never
Let the universe take over
Ever again.
Literary: The Constellation
“I’ll give you a constellation,”
You promised me one night.
I know it is surreal
But I waited for the impossible.
I kept waiting… and waiting…
Then you left me.
The pain was too extreme
It wounded me over and over.
Months have passed—
My wounds turned into scars.
Years have passed—
The scars still haven’t faded.
I remembered all your promises
As I traced all the scars
And there it was,
The constellation.
Literary: Para Kay Momoy
Para Kay Momoy,
Hello! Ako ‘to, si Poknat nung mga bata pa tayo. Naalala mo pa ba ako? Sana oo, pagkat alalang-alala pa kita. Naaalala ko pa lahat. Lahat ng ating mga laro, saya, pangako, at syempre ang ating tagpuan. Naalala ko pa nung kinatok mo pa ang bahay namin at hinila mo ko papuntang burol para lang ipakita sa’kin ang treehouse mo. Tandang-tanda ko pa noong umiyak ka kasi pink at blue yung kulay nun. Gusto mo noon green, diba? At natandaan ko rin yung isang araw na may ale na nagsabing, “Uy! Bakit may proyekto ng MMDA sa baryo natin,” sabay turo sa treehouse mo. Buong linggo kitang tinawanan nun pero tinigil ko rin kasi umiyak ka na.
Natatawa pa rin ako hanggang ngayon tuwing naaalala ko yung tree house. Miss ko na kasi ‘yun. Saksi kasi yun sa lahat ng mga nangyari sa buhay natin nung mga bata pa tayo. Narinig na niya ang mga kuwento sa likod ng mga pag-iyak natin: kung bakit ka pinalo sa pwet ni Tiya Nona, kung paano ka binasted nung first love mong si Elsa, kung paano ako binully ni Marvin, kung paano ako nahulog sa creek. Nalaman rin niya ang mga pinakatatagong sikreto natin: na ako nakabasag ng pinakamamahaling vase ni lola, na ako ang nagsaksak ng tv sa 220v kaya umusok, na ikaw ang nagpakawala kay Brownie kaya hinabol si Marvin, na ikaw ang umutot sa party na sobrang baho kaya nag-alisan yung mga bisita, na ikaw ang una kong mahal. Oo, alam ng treehouse ‘yun pero ikaw hindi pa, kaya sasabihin ko na. Oo, mahal kita noon. At hanggang ngayon ikaw pa rin. Biruin mo sampung taon! Sampung taon akong nakatali sa nakaraan kasi hindi ko ito nasabi noon pa. Sampung taong nanahan sa puso ko na walang nakakaalam kundi ako at ang treehouse na yun. Sampung taon na umaasang sana mahal mo rin ako. Sampung taong nangulila ang puso ko sa piling mo.
Alam kong nasaktan kita sa pag-alis ko ng walang paalam. Pasensya na. Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari noon wala na akong oras magpaalam sa’yo. Maganda na rin siguro yun kasi kapag nakita kita noon, baka hindi ko na kayaning umalis pa. Sana patawarin mo ako.
Matanda na tayo pero tandang-tanda ko pa rin ang lahat ng iyon. Miss ko na ang kabataan natin at miss na rin kita. Kaya kung napatawad mo na ako, maghihintay ako sa treehouse buong araw bukas.
Hihintayin kita hanggang sa magbukang liwayway kinabukasan.
Hihintayin kita.
At sana’y hinintay mo rin ako.
Literary: To the One
To the one I unexpectedly fell for,
You once said that I should find another fish in this ocean, vast and deep. But I still fell in love with you. Is sorry enough to take away my unexpected love for you?
To the one who makes me tongue-tied,
Every night, I always pray that destiny will find some way to open my heart. For until this day, I still can't reveal my unspoken love.
To the one who can’t reciprocate my love,
I still wish that the gods give me a chance to let you know that I'm here. Because even if my love is unrequited, I will give it still.
To the one I love unconditionally,
I don’t regret loving you but why does it seem like you regret meeting me? Though you cannot return it, I cannot help loving you unconditionally.
To the one I can’t forget,
I promise to try to forget you and let you go. Please forgive me for loving you as I forgive you for not loving me back.
Literary: Rather
From all the moments we had,
I could choose to pause on our happy moments.
Pause during our first hug.
Pause every time our fingers intertwine.
Pause at the moment when I said “yes”.
Pause in our moment of truth.
Pause in our moment.
But I will not.
I would rather play the moment you left me
The moment you made me cry
The moment you hurt me
The moment you broke my heart
I would rather watch those moments
Again and again and again
Until this heart becomes numb
And stops beating for you.
Until all things that would make me stay,
Will make me go away.
Literary: 5 Ws
Who
Who I loved
Was the girl of my dreams
She had a creative mind
A true heart
A beautiful soul
In my cloud castle, she is queen.
Who I loved
Was not the boy of my dreams
He is without the things
I’ve been fantasizing
Hoping for
Dreaming of
In my nightmares, he is king.
What
What I loved
Was the serenity
Creativity
Beauty
Of my guardian angel,
This old girl friend who makes my day.
What I loved
Were the challenges
The differences
The insults
From this devilish fiend,
This old boy friend who wrecks my day
When
When I loved
Was back in December
When a funny, lovely
Caring and loving
North star guided my way.
When I loved
Was last summer
When I kept chasing
After the ultimate extrovert
Not realizing he was running
After me.
Where
Where I loved
Was in the school
Where I met this pretty little dreamer
Talented and popular
But humble and pure of heart
She is the best teacher I ever had.
Where I loved
Was in college
Where I got to know this innocent,
Nerdy wallflower
Who was actually a product of disaster
He is the best student I ever had.
Why
Why I loved
Was because of a memory
Of the innocent eyes
And the perfect smile
Of the girl in a photograph
Now she is no longer just a memory,
She is my forever already.
Why I loved
Was hiding behind the camera
Because I can see him smile as I smile
And he can see right through me
Now he is not just a boy behind the lenses,
He is my infinity.
You
You are Who I loved,
The one in and not in my dreams.
You are What I loved,
My old friend.
You are When I loved,
The time we luckily met.
You are Where I loved,
The place that lured us to each other.
You are Why I loved,
My infinity and my forever.
Literary: Masaya*
"Ayaw lumingon pagkatapos kumaway.”
Hinihintay kitang lumingon tulad ng dati mong ginawa. Akala ko babalik ka at sasabihin mo na mahal mo pa rin ako. Akala ko yayakapin mo uli ako mula sa aking likuran. Akala ko manghihingi ka pa ng isa pang tsansa na handang handa naman ako ibigay muli. Akala ko magiging tayo muli. Akala ko magkakaroon pa ng isang bagong kabanata sa kwento natin. Ngunit akala ko lang pala iyon. Ito na nga ata ang wakas.
“Ayaw pumikit. Patay-sindi ang ilaw.”
Ayoko na, hindi ko na kaya.” Iyan ang mga salitang tumatakbo sa loob ng isipan ko. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko animo’y binabara ang paghinga ko. Unti-unti na kong binabalot ng depresyon. Hindi na ko makagalaw. Sinusubukan kong tumawag ng tulong ngunit. Wala. Mag-isa nalang ako. Mag-isa nalang ako. “Ako” nalang at hindi na “tayo”.
“Hindi ka na ba masaya?”
“Ano ba kasi ang nangyari?”
Naalala mo pa ba noong nakaraang buwan? Iyon ang isa sa pinakamasasayang araw ng buhay ko. Napakasaya ko noon dahil iyon ang unang anibersayo natin. Ngunit parang ang bilis naman maglaho ng pag-ibig mo. Dahil habang tanaw ko pa ang pag-alis mo, nakita na kitang may kasamang babae at hindi ako. Teka, ang bilis mo naman ako palitan? Animo’y nagpalit lamang ng damit. Ganoon ka na ba talaga ka-sawa sa akin?
Kahit nasaktan na ako, sana masaya ka na.
*Inspired by Masaya by Frances Feranil
Literary: Just Woke Up
I dropped from a cliff
Slowly, like a leaf,
Not knowing where I’ll fall,
Not knowing who to call.
I crashed into the waves.
Then, I was drowning—
Drowning from thinking
Of treasures I want to save.
Feeling the depression,
I started swimming away
In no such direction,
Cluelessly taking different ways.
Suddenly, I saw a light,
And it blinded my sight.
Then I woke up
Feeling lighter from my nap.
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