Ang Aninag Online: whisp

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The crowd screams. I hear my name, thrown in the midst of incoherent sounds and throat-ripping yells. Lights filled the stage as I lift my head up to face them, adrenaline already coursing through my veins. The beat starts.

Back in the spotlight

Everyone sees me

Every single move, every single note

I’m visible, the eyes are inescapable

Just a single slip and everyone will be jeering

The melody moves the crowd along, making them sway to the beat of a song they’ve only ever heard in this arena. I can already see the posts fans will be tagging me in on social media, begging me to release a studio version of this song.

All of them have your back

Until they strip you bare, dig up your dirt

But I can’t let them dig my own grave

The beat starts to intensify, filling me with it. My being becomes the music, my heart pounding, emotions pouring out of my mouth from the stress and despair the rumors and netizens’ negativity gave me. I let it all out.

Not for something I’ve worked for

Something I went mad for

Pouring all my passion, skills and sweat

Till I couldn’t stand when I take a rest

The crowd gets pumped by the rhythm I sang and the bars I spit. They understand me, they understand what I’m telling them, and they’re telling me they’re here for me. I feel the tears well up in my eyes as I remember that I’m doing this for them. The fans who helped me reach my dreams despite countless bumps and stumbles along the way. The ones who picked me up whenever I fell. This is for them.

These people think they can take it all

away from me

Well not for long ‘cause from this cliff

I’ll start my climb back up to the top

My lungs burned from the exhaustion. My body ached from the stockpiled effort because of months of practice that sometimes ended when I couldn’t move my body anymore. But I keep myself fired up. For them, and for me.

It doesn’t matter who you are

Or why you try to bring me down

As long as there are people who wait for me

As long as there are people who sing my songs

I won’t ever stop belting out these lyrics from my heart

The crowd roars. I breathe heavily and try to hold my tears. I leave the stage. I hope my passion reached them.

Just a few days later, fans would be posting clips of the performance on social media. The lyrics would be shared, passed on from one account to another. Fans would determine the meaning, understand, and their cries and arguments to defend me will help people see me in a better light. I would cry, and write a song for them once more.

In the midst of the dissonance, the storm and the chaos, I try to find peace.

Everything feels suffocating, there are walls pressing in and incoherent noises.

It’s all my fault, isn’t it?

She was there. Warm, comforting, constant. A refuge. A safe haven from the turbulence.

She was there, at the right time, in the right place. She was bright when my light had turned dim. She was warm when the love I shared with another girl turned cold.

I didn’t mean to.

Things spiraled down. The girl who was my sunshine now feels like a cold breeze at night. We smiled and we sat close, but when I glanced at her – she seemed so much closer, so much warmer, unlike the one actually beside me. I looked away.

Further down. I had so much free time. Time to think. Time to wallow in the darkness of my horrible thoughts. All this time away from the girl who felt like home made me feel lost. The distance seemed more than physical, and I didn’t know what to do. But she was there. We met halfway and found a safe space between each other. I thought maybe she was the blanket who’d comfort me when I was away from home, but this one seemed so much more comfortable than home. I didn’t know what to feel.

Even further down. I can’t look at the eyes I used to be drawn by so much. Sweet words from her tasted bland, but for her – for her, even the most trivial and ordinary of words sounded special. This feeling shouldn’t be shared with her. I feel like suffocating whenever I see the smile I loved so much. I feel like dying whenever I see it genuinely directed at me. I don’t have the right to make her smile like that anymore. I don’t have the right to have her smile at me like that anymore, as if things were healing, as if things were getting better between us. It’s not.

Would have all of this happened if there hadn’t been someone in our time of turbulence? Would we have healed and not let things happen? Would she still have felt like home if I hadn’t met her?

Chaos. Storms. Dissonance. There’s salt in my eyes and bitterness on my tongue. Guilt. Despair. Hate. Was this her fault for being there at the right time and at the right place, or was it my fault for letting it all happen?

Down. Down. Down. I can’t get any lower than this. I look at her properly for the first time in weeks. She’s right to look back at me with apprehension. She anticipated it, but her walls still broke. I broke it. The flimsy handkerchief I try to offer her is a disgustingly useless attempt at an apology. She doesn’t accept it.

Guilt. Fear. Relief. I turn around with a final apology and head back to my new home. To the one whose brightness outshone what used to be my sunshine. To the one whose warmth now envelops me in an attempt to relieve the guilt eating me alive. A whispered “I’m sorry” reaches my ears. I shake my head with a

“No, I’m sorry” and a faint smile as I turn to look at her.

In Me Are Questions

In my ears
All I hear are your words
Stinging and rough
They’ve never come out of your lips this way

In my words
Apologies are laced through
Confused and rushed
I don’t know how much damage I’ve done

In my mind
I know we’re over
Done and ended
Can never be anything more

In my heart
Hurt pumps within the veins
Pounding and heavy
You’ve let me go, I’ll do the same for you

Yet I ask
Is there still hope
For this heart that’s burdened?
For this heart to love again?

Yet I ask
Is change possible
For my foolish, deceitful words?
For these thorns to turn into soft leaves?

Yet I ask
Will wounds heal
From the words you said?
From the memories that inflicted pain?

With My Resolution

With my words

You hear it loud and clear

Earnest and frank

I don’t want it to come out this way

With my ears

Apologies are cut off

Upset and indignant

You don't understand the damage you still do

Within my mind

I keep on looking for reasons as I end it

Doubting and believing

That there's nothing left for us

Within my heart

I feel it throbbing as it tightens

Pressured yet I feel numb

I’ve let you go, and you should do the same for me

Yet I say

Could this be for the best?

For this heart that's broken

For this heart to mend again?

Yet I say

Could I have done this differently?

For my judgmental, too honest words

For this punishment to become a pardon?

Yet I say,

My wounds will never completely heal

From the things you've done that ended up harming me,

From moments that I'd never want to go back to ever again

Quiet, serene, majestic

There’s beauty in the stars that twinkle slowly against the sky
In the waves softly washing over sand and tiny rocks
In the fragile petals of a colorful flower, carefully swaying with the wind
In the melodious tune of a piano or a violin, invoking passion and emotion
In the body of someone society deems perfect and something to be admired

Unsure, messy, imperfect

There’s also beauty in the single star shining in the bright morning sky
In the waves angrily crashing down on the shore during a storm
In the lonely petals of a colorful flower, fallen and plucked from its stem
In the heart-pounding melody of a loud, bass-filled electric tune
In the body of someone who doesn’t deem herself perfect and has to be changed

There’s always something beautiful to behold
If only everyone knew not where to look
But how to look