From your friend,

Me, myself & I

            I promise to take care of her, give her a nice home, and talk to her every day! They said that I can keep her and buy her new friends if I keep excelling at my academics and if I don’t, they will take my doll away from me. But no matter what happens, I will do my best to bring more friends for my doll! Thank you, Diary! I hope you enjoyed it!

December 25, 2005

Dear Diary,

            MERRY CHRISTMAS, my dear friend Diary! I received a lot of gifts today! I was so excited to open presents, but my mom said that I have to wait until the New Year otherwise my gifts will be cursed. Instead, she said that we have to go to her province to visit our grandparents. We left the house in the afternoon and arrived at my parents’ childhood home, just in time for the Christmas party we hold annually. This event is almost the only time we get together as a family and almost the only time I get to play with my cousins.

            My cousins are a lot older than me and I admire them so much; some of them are already in their dream colleges, a step closer to achieving their dreams, while some are in high school awaiting graduation. My parents always make it a competition to be better than they were because, as they say, “excellence is the only key to success”.

            I wanted to hang out with my cousins, but they told me that I was too young to join their discussions, so instead, I went to our room and wrote to you—my Diary. I don’t understand why I feel like I don’t fit anybody’s expectations. I always feel like I’m failing rather than succeeding, which is what I’m supposed to be doing. OMG what am I doing to myself? I sound pathetic! I just want to spend this day happily but I guess I’m ruining it for myself. Hopefully I can play with my toys tomorrow when we go home. That’s it, Diary! Thank you for being here for me.

January 28, 2006

Dear Diary,

            Why am I such a failure? Today, I failed two of my Long Tests. Where did I go wrong? I studied, I memorized important details, I even did my ritual before taking the test. Yet, I still failed. Oh no! This is going to badly affect my grades, my chances of running for highest honors, which will negatively impact my chances of getting into a top-notch college with a full scholarship, which can affect my chances of getting into a high-paying job.

            I just basically ruined my life.

            What am I going to do? My parents will be so mad when they find out. If only you could speak, my dearest Diary, what do you suggest I do?

March 12, 2006

Dear Diary,

            I thought friends would be there for you when you’re at your lowest. I guess I was wrong... I’ve been feeling low since my parents are always criticizing my grades for being “too average”—I am just really tired. I want them to be happy but the pressure is giving me a hard time keeping up with school. Our subjects are getting more impossible each year but they probably don’t know that. Sometimes I just want to be a student who passes everything and not be punished for being—well, average. I hate feeling like this.

            I told my friends about this yesterday and now they won’t talk or even notice me because I don’t have excellent grades like them? They also spread rumors about me, saying I have a “Loser Disease” where, according to them, if I touch or interact with anybody, they would catch the same illness. So, I went home as the bell rang without communicating with anyone. I can feel all the negative energy fueling my entire body. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to leave... I want to transfer. I can’t take it anymore! Diary, don’t leave me okay? Thank you for listening to me again.

March 25, 2006

Dear Diary,

            I don’t want to go to school anymore. Everyone is still ignoring me; I told my parents about this but all I got was another lecture about success and the cons of failing. I couldn’t pull my grades up and my dolls have been taken away from me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel tired most of the time; I want to keep trying but I can’t bear to see their disappointed faces anymore. Why do I keep feeling this way? I shouldn’t. There are people out there who have it worse. Yet I'm here whining about how my friends betrayed me and how I always feel like a disappointment to my parents. Will I ever be enough for anybody? I don’t know and I don't care anymore. I want to give up! No I don’t, not really. Dear Diary, what am I going to do?

June 28, 2006

Dear Diary,

            I don’t know how to write this without my hands shaking and my tears falling.

            My mom has breast cancer.

            My dad and I just learned about it today but my mom had known for years. I didn't fully understand what it meant at first, then I remembered the same disease my grandmother had. My parents were really devastated when she passed.

            I don’t know what to do. What if she leaves me? What do I do without her? What will happen to me and my dad if she leaves? I don’t want her to leave… I can’t live without her. We were just so happy yesterday. Why is this happening? Diary, I hope she gets well soon…

September 12, 2006

Dear Diary,

            Happy birthday to me, I guess. Everything around me is falling apart. My friends are gone, my mom is sick, and I feel like I am such a burden to my parents. We are not the richest; my parents can only provide our basic needs—and with my mom’s medication and hospital bills, our finances have dropped. I want to help, but how? I’m only 13.

            Should I get a job? Should I start saving money for myself now? How can I help my parents? I really don’t know what to do. I guess I have to do well in school so that my parents will feel at ease.

            Oh, they bought me a cake today. It was so sweet but all I could think about was how they tried to put on happy faces when their eyes were telling me the opposite. I felt my heart wrench when my mom sang “Happy Birthday”. She is so weak and fragile from all the medicine she’s been taking. I pray she gets better, I love her very much, I don’t want to lose her.

            I hope we will be happier soon. I hope my mom will get better. Thank you for being there for me again, My Diary.

May 7, 2013

Dear Diary,

            It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I am so sorry for leaving you after I asked you to not leave me, but I just ate everything that I said. I missed you—big time. If I didn't need something in our storeroom, I would probably not have seen nor remembered you. It’s nice meeting you again!

            This feels so nice.

            Have I told you yet? I’m 20! I've grown a lot. Are you proud of me? Ohhhhh also, I graduated from college!! With a degree in Management Engineering! Fancy, right? And I’m going to work soon at my dream company! How exciting is that?

            I realized sooooooooooooo many things since the last time I wrote to you.

            Admittedly, my life was so difficult to handle then. I’m so thankful that I had you when I felt my world was caving in. I learned a lot more about life. I felt stronger and I got more independent as I fought alone.

            When I stopped writing to you, that was when I felt like I hit rock bottom. I remember crying almost every night, blaming myself for everything bad that had happened to us. For months I believed that I was the problem. I had lost all my energy to study, eat, and write to you—my dearest Diary. My dad was worried about me, so he decided to send me to church for prayers, but that didn’t help. I felt guiltier and more of a burden—I got worse. I could barely sleep and was drowning in negative thoughts. I really didn’t know what to do at that time. But as they say, “When you’ve hit rock bottom, that’s where you can start to climb back.” I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it happened.

            Slowly, I started getting out of bed, taking a bath, cleaning my room—and I took my time when it came to bigger activities such as exercising or attending events, but again I was able to do it! As years passed by, I got back on my feet, and now look at me—I’m a fresh graduate! Everything got better because of my dad’s support and my therapist’s help. My therapist taught me a lot of things that can help me become a happier and healthier person. I am thankful for her. She helped me realize that life will give you more than what you expect if you believe in yourself and stay strong for yourself.

            I still have a lot of time. I am still young, but I am going to fight and I will continue to give this unknown life meaning. Things do get better!

I know it can be challenging, but your

Blood, sweat, tears

Will be taken into account.

Life has a better path for you 

So go, stand your ground.

Struggles mold you to be better,

Conflicts prepare you to be smarter,

Battles only make you braver. 

Life may be hard, but you are tougher.

The journey may be long and weary,

a rough path that seems steeped in misery

But be patient, my child 

Everything will make sense,

All in good time.

All in good time,

My child,

All in good time.

Good luck! Goodbye for now.

Until the next entry,

    The periodic beeps of the heart monitor echoed throughout the hollow white room that was given to me right after I came out of the Emergency Room. I was taken in because of an aneurysm and went directly into a coma. My body was paralyzed but my mind was awake. Days and months have gone by and it’s been torture knowing my friends and family suffer from the possibility that I might reach my expiration date sooner than expected. The moment I was brought into that dreary hospital room, life became a monotonous and never-ending cycle of torment. 

    A soft brush against my cheek woke the stillness of my dull night. I tried to scan the room within my eyes’ limit, then a blurry, dark figure emerged from a faint flash of light. It was standing beside me, watching me struggle as I drowned in the bitterness of letting go. I was getting tired and feeling so helpless. I missed the idea of being able to “live life”. I missed the heavenly tastes of food, I missed the awkward family gatherings, I missed getting tired after a good workout. But time was working against me. 

    I was woken up by my whole body seizing. For the first time, I felt my body, but I could also hear myself flatline. Panic was building up in my throat. “I’m not ready.” Nobody was there except for the blurry dark figure I saw the other day, sitting at the foot of my bed. Strangely, its presence was very inviting, like a warm blanket on a cold night. I tried to reach for it but it disappeared. Finally, a nurse rushed in and called the doctor to bring me to the ICU. It was a very busy night but I couldn’t erase the feeling of comfort that the dark figure brought. 

    The nurses called my sister who came about 30 minutes later. I couldn’t bear the pain I saw in her eyes. I wasn’t ready to let go but what could I do? The clock was ticking and I could barely breathe. Maybe, just maybe, time was telling me that I’ve had my fair share in life. Maybe it was finally time for others to live theirs and move on. 

    The next morning felt transcendent. It seemed like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could finally breathe. Excitement rushed through my soul and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I was dancing with delight when a knock on my hospital door sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly my mind was filled with uncertainty. I slowly approached the door, not knowing what to expect, but as soon I opened it, I was greeted by a familiar face. 

    “It was you, wasn’t it?” 

    He laughed. “Eventually, death can’t keep us apart.” I immediately jumped into his arms and kissed him. “It’s time,” he said. I turned around and saw my pale, lifeless body. 

    “Goodbye,” I thought, “thank you for the wonderful journey.” He hugged me once more and led me to the bright light.

Hihintayin mo na lang ba ang dulo, kung kailan huli na ang lahat?

Araw-araw ay may bagong simula

Unti-unti nating naabot ang ating mga pangarap

Mga bagong pagkakataong hindi masasayang

Araw-araw, nabubuo ang mga masasayang alaala

Araw-araw, may bagong oportunidad

Araw-araw, ngayon ka pa ba magsasawa?

Hihintayin mo na lang ba ang dulo, kung kailan huli na ang lahat?

Unti-unti tayong natututo

Unti-unti tayong lumalakas

Unti-unti, aatras ka pa ba?

Hihintayin mo na lang ba ang dulo, kung kailan huli na ang lahat?

Mga bagong pag-asang nagniningas

Mga bagong pagsasamang tumatatag

Mga bagong nabubuong pagmamahalan ngunit hinihintay mo pa rin ang katapusan?

Hihintayin mo na lang ba ang dulo, kung kailan huli na ang lahat?

Masaya ang lahat sa simula ng paglalakbay

Pero magiging masaya ba sa katapusan nito?

Maganda at nakahanda na ang tulay

Pero ito nga ba ang daan na magpapasaya sa'yo?

Sa paglipas ng panahon ay hindi maiiwasan

Tayo ay magkaroon ng mga bagong interes

Magbabago at magbabago ang ihip ng hangin

Magkakaroon tayo ng mga bagong pangarap

Sa mga bagong pangarap na ito

Handa akong isakripisyo ang aking hinaharap

Handa akong kalimutan ang nakaraan

Hangad sana ay tunay na kaligayan

Hinding-hindi manghihinayang

Hinding-hindi matatakot bumalik sa umpisa

Hinding-hindi na mag-aalinlangan pa

Ako’y matututong sumugal

Makamit nang tunay, pangarap na inaasam

Alas-kwarto na ng hapon nang dumating mula sa eskwelahan ang mga batang nais makilahok sa mga larong inihanda ng peryahan. Ang mga estudyante ay nagsitakbuhan patungo sa mga sakayan at iba’t ibang booth na pumukaw sa kanilang interes. Sa gilid ng entrance malapit sa barrier, makikita mo akong tila hindi mapakali. Sinusuri ko ang bawat taong lumalabas at pumapasok sa perya, hinahanap ko ang matangkad na chinitong nakasalamin at kung manamit ay parang napag-iwanan na ng panahon. Labinlimang minuto na ang nakalipas at napansin na ako ng aking inay, ang pinuno ng komite para sa pagdiriwang na ito. 

“O, Kiko, anak, bakit nariyan ka lang? Ito oh, isandaang piso, maglaro ka dun sa color game na paborito mo.”

“Sige lang Ma, pupunta rin ako roon mamaya, inaantay ko lang si Charles, iyon ay kung darating siya.”

“O, basta huwag kalimutang mag-enjoy ah. Marami pa akong gagawin, kung kailangan mo ako, may cellphone ka naman na, tawagan mo lang ako.” 

Umupo ako sa tabi ng ticket booth at ipinagpatuloy ang paghahanap. Kapag 5:30 pm na at wala pa rin siya, hindi na ako aasa. Makalipas ang ilang minuto, nag-text si Charles.

“Magpeperya ka ba? Magperya ka na! Pupunta ako!” Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakita ko. Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso at nanumbalik ang sigla sa aking mukha.

Siyam na taon pa lamang kami noon nang magsimula ang ‘Annual Peryahan sa Barangay Larangan’. Sobrang mahiyain pa ako noon, takot akong makipaglaro sa ibang mga bata, at laging akong nakabuntot kay Mama. Bilang isa siyang miyembro ng komite, marami siyang inaasikaso kaya nama’y naiwan akong mag-isa sa tent. Nilapitan mo ako at kinukulit, bilang isang naturang pikon, pinatulan ko ang pang-aasar mo at naghabulan na tayo. Hanggang sa naglalaro na tayo sa iba’t ibang booths, lalo na sa baril-barilan kung saan nagpaparamihan ng napatumbang laruan. Aaminin ko, isa ito sa mga paborito kong araw ng buhay ko.

Kahit isang beses kada taon lamang tayo nagkikita, natutuwa ako na hindi nagbabago ang sigla na ibinibigay natin sa isa’t isa.

Labintatlong gulang na tayo noon at pinayagan na tayong sumakay ng rides. Halata sa mga mukha natin na kabadong-kabado tayo kahit nakapila pa lamang tayo sa “Poseidon”. Bago pa magsimulang gumalaw ang sakayan, hinawakan mo ang aking kamay at kailanma’y hindi mo ito binitiwan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero biglang bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso, biglang bumagal ang mundo at ikaw lang ang nakikita ko. Niyakap mo ang braso ko at bigla kang umiyak. Natatawa ako nung una dahil para kang ibon kung umiyak ngunit nag-aalala na ako nang nagpatuloy kang umiyak kahit tapos na ang ride. Umupo tayo sa gilid at nang huminahon ka na, ikinuwento mo sa akin ang mga nangyayari ngayon sa iyong tahanan at ang mga problema mo sa eskwelahan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at papaano ngunit pagkatapos mong magkwento ay nag-iba ang pagtingin ko sa’yo.

Labinlimang taong gulang na tayo at hindi pa rin umaalis ang kakaibang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Kapag nakikita kita, bumibilis ang tibok ng aking puso, namamawis ang aking mga kamay, at iba ang saya na aking nadarama. Sa puntong ito, litong-lito na ang isip at puso ko. Buong buhay ko, lagi akong sinabihan na ang lalaki ay para sa babae lamang kaya hindi ko malaman kung bakit ganito ang nararamdam ko para kay Charles.

Nung sumunod na taon, hinintay kita buong gabi ngunit ‘di ka sumipot. Napuno ako ng galit at lungkot. Dito ko napagtanto na iba na nga ang nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Nangako ako sa sarili ko na sa susunod na taon, kapag nandito ka, aamin ako sa aking tunay na nararamdaman ngunit kung wala ka, itatago ko na lamang ang damdaming ito. Malay mo, yugto lang talaga ito at lilipas din, tulad ng sabi ng iba.  

Naramdaman kong nag-vibrate ulit ang phone ko at bigla akong napatayo sa tuwa.

“Kiko asan ka? Nandito na ako sa may entrance.”

“Nandito ako sa may ticket booth, teka bakit hindi kita nakita? Hahaha! May sasabihin pala ako. Ayun nakita na kita, puntahan kita, bye.”

“Uy Kiko! Kumusta ka na? Sorry wala ako last year, busy lang talaga ako sa school.”

“Ah Charles, Kasi -- “

“Ay oo nga pala! May ipakikilala ako”

“Ha?”

“Si Monica, girlfriend ko.”

Dumating ang isang babaeng may hawak na corndog at ngumiti.

“Uy, hi! Ang swerte naman ni Charles sayo, you’re very pretty."

“Hello po! Ikaw pala si Kiko, lagi kang nakukwento ni Charles.”

“Tsk. Nako, never ka niyang naikwento sa ‘kin, payag ka dun? Hahaha. Anyways, kailangan ko nang umuwi. Pinapauwi na ako ni Mama”

“Ha, akala ko head ng committee si Tita, at saka may sasabihin ka pa ‘di ba?”

With love,

********