bella swan,
It’s half past noon on a Monday, not even rush hour yet, but the train station was already teeming with people. There’s a long queue to the ticket booth and a sizable crowd is already waiting on the platform. Normally, I’d regret tagging along. I can feel that familiar twinge of unease whenever I’m around big crowds or somewhere unfamiliar. But I shoved the feeling aside.
This group project needs to be over and done with. I WANT it over and done with even if it means I’d have to go all the way to the other side of the city to buy what’s needed. I’m with my friends, though, so that makes this seemingly daunting task a bit more bearable.
Because we’re a big group, we decided to split up, go in threes or fours, and just meet up at our stop. I was with you and two of our friends but when it was time to board the train, they got in through another door and (intentionally) left us together. I sighed inwardly. Friends, I know you know I sort of like him but can you be any more obvious?
This is not the first time they did something like this. I guess it helps that we’re past that awkward stage and we’ve gotten so used to the teasing that we just laugh it off. It helps, too, that you’re no longer a snob. You never used to talk to me and in the rare times you did, we’d get teased and you’d look uncomfortable or annoyed. I didn’t think we’d ever be friends.
But we are now and I don’t want to ruin that vibe. Strangling my friends, though, would have to wait for later because right now, I have to deal with this jam-packed train and how we’re thisclose to one another. I was short of breath and I really wanted to tie my hair but there was little to no room for movement. It didn’t help that I couldn’t reach the handlebars. I’m afraid to fall, to be caught off balance.
I was figuring out how to best stand without falling face-first when I suddenly heard you ask, "What's wrong?"
I'm surprised at the concern I heard in your voice but I looked at you, embarrassed that you caught me fidgeting. I chuckled nervously, looked up, and answered quietly, "I can't reach the handle bars."
"Ah," you nodded in understanding and chuckled, too. "You can hold on to me," you said.
WAIT.
WHAAAAAAT?
Did I hear you right?
My heart hammered wildly as I registered what you said. I could feel a blush creeping up my face. I’m nervous again but I know this is no longer about the train. I forced myself to calm down lest you see how difficult it is to suppress a grin.
“Uhh… Thank you but I’d be alright,” I replied with a small smile, proceeding to concentrate on finding my balance. I looked everywhere except at you as I took deep breaths to slow down my heart rate.
“You can hold on to me.”
Why? Why did you say that? Was it a joke? Perhaps you were just teasing me? It’s become quite your habit. Did that giddy feeling get the better of me again? Then again, you’re really a gentleman. I think you’d offer that kind of help to anyone.
I let out another sigh. Okay. I’d just file this under things-you-do-that-make-me-happy-but-I-shouldn’t-give-meaning-to-because-we’re-just-friends-and-you-don’t-like-me-that-way. Lately, that file is taking up a lot of space on my brain. You’ve got to stop, just so you know.
I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Six more stations before our stop. I have time to repeatedly remind myself that it’s nothing. You do it because we’re friends.
But as I remember what you said, along with all the other small moments we shared and the little things you did, I felt it again—that fleeting happiness that washes over me when I’m with you—and I hoped that I could hold on to it just a little bit longer.
Two more stations. Just two more stations before our stop but in my head, I still kept repeating what I said.
You can hold on to me.
WHY??? Why did I say that?
Half of me wanted to take it back especially when you seemed startled then hesitant. I was already thinking how I’d play it off as a joke but you were quick to recover, to just smile prettily, and decline politely. I thought I’d feel relieved but the other, more insistent half of me was quite disappointed. I cannot deny that I hoped you’d actually take my offer.
After that, we left each other to our own thoughts for the rest of the trip. I noticed how you looked everywhere except at me. Were you thinking about what I said? What could you be feeling? I wanted to know.
But more than that, I wanted to know what I’M feeling. I mean, we’re used to the incessant teasing and friendly pranks like this but I don’t know. It somehow feels different to me now. What changed? Is it that I’m finally realizing how happy I am when I’m with you? That I like being with you, whether while working or studying or just hanging out? That I always want to talk to you and listen to you and joke around with you?
There have been several times when I think I’m beginning to like you, see you as more than a friend. I was not sure then. Or I probably kept denying it. I don’t think I can do that now.
I would have wanted to think it through but I was jolted out of my reverie by the announcement that our train was about to arrive.
I saw you brace yourself as people started standing up and getting ready to hurdle their way out of the cramped space. “I’ll go ahead, walk behind me,” I said. “You can hold on to my bag so I don’t lose you.”
So I don’t lose you.
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
Apparently, I wasn’t done being a gentleman (and dropping phrases with multiple meanings) today. Thankfully, you just nodded.
However, just as I was turning to face the exit, the train doors opened and people began forcefully making their way out. Without a second thought, I reached for your hand and held it tightly as we allowed ourselves to be pushed by the throng.
When we were safely out and finally breathing fresh air, we made our way to one of the empty benches to wait for our friends. Only when we were about to sit did I realize we were still holding hands. Only then did I feel how soft your hand is. Only then did I see how tightly it is clasped in mine and how it seemed to fit perfectly.
I sensed you were about to let go but I squeezed your hand quickly. You finally met my gaze and I tried to figure out how you felt about this when we heard someone calling your name. You pulled your hand from mine and hurriedly looked around.
I let your hand go but I know that something has already changed between us.
I know because even though hours have passed and there are a lot of things to be done and feelings to sort through, I kept going back to that moment on the train and all I can think about is how much I wanted to hold your hand a little bit longer.
Literary (Submission): Crossing the Yellow Line
It’s half past noon on a Monday, not even rush hour yet, but the train station was already teeming with people. There’s a long queue to the ticket booth and a sizable crowd is already waiting on the platform. Normally, I’d regret tagging along. I can feel that familiar twinge of unease whenever I’m around big crowds or somewhere unfamiliar. But I shoved the feeling aside.
This group project needs to be over and done with. I WANT it over and done with even if it means I’d have to go all the way to the other side of the city to buy what’s needed. I’m with my friends, though, so that makes this seemingly daunting task a bit more bearable.
Because we’re a big group, we decided to split up, go in threes or fours, and just meet up at our stop. I was with you and two of our friends but when it was time to board the train, they got in through another door and (intentionally) left us together. I sighed inwardly. Friends, I know you know I sort of like him but can you be any more obvious?
This is not the first time they did something like this. I guess it helps that we’re past that awkward stage and we’ve gotten so used to the teasing that we just laugh it off. It helps, too, that you’re no longer a snob. You never used to talk to me and in the rare times you did, we’d get teased and you’d look uncomfortable or annoyed. I didn’t think we’d ever be friends.
But we are now and I don’t want to ruin that vibe. Strangling my friends, though, would have to wait for later because right now, I have to deal with this jam-packed train and how we’re thisclose to one another. I was short of breath and I really wanted to tie my hair but there was little to no room for movement. It didn’t help that I couldn’t reach the handlebars. I’m afraid to fall, to be caught off balance.
 |
| (c) Indigothinker |
I was figuring out how to best stand without falling face-first when I suddenly heard you ask, "What's wrong?"
I'm surprised at the concern I heard in your voice but I looked at you, embarrassed that you caught me fidgeting. I chuckled nervously, looked up, and answered quietly, "I can't reach the handle bars."
"Ah," you nodded in understanding and chuckled, too. "You can hold on to me," you said.
WAIT.
WHAAAAAAT?
Did I hear you right?
My heart hammered wildly as I registered what you said. I could feel a blush creeping up my face. I’m nervous again but I know this is no longer about the train. I forced myself to calm down lest you see how difficult it is to suppress a grin.
“Uhh… Thank you but I’d be alright,” I replied with a small smile, proceeding to concentrate on finding my balance. I looked everywhere except at you as I took deep breaths to slow down my heart rate.
“You can hold on to me.”
Why? Why did you say that? Was it a joke? Perhaps you were just teasing me? It’s become quite your habit. Did that giddy feeling get the better of me again? Then again, you’re really a gentleman. I think you’d offer that kind of help to anyone.
I let out another sigh. Okay. I’d just file this under things-you-do-that-make-me-happy-but-I-shouldn’t-give-meaning-to-because-we’re-just-friends-and-you-don’t-like-me-that-way. Lately, that file is taking up a lot of space on my brain. You’ve got to stop, just so you know.
I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Six more stations before our stop. I have time to repeatedly remind myself that it’s nothing. You do it because we’re friends.
But as I remember what you said, along with all the other small moments we shared and the little things you did, I felt it again—that fleeting happiness that washes over me when I’m with you—and I hoped that I could hold on to it just a little bit longer.
-----
Two more stations. Just two more stations before our stop but in my head, I still kept repeating what I said.
You can hold on to me.
WHY??? Why did I say that?
Half of me wanted to take it back especially when you seemed startled then hesitant. I was already thinking how I’d play it off as a joke but you were quick to recover, to just smile prettily, and decline politely. I thought I’d feel relieved but the other, more insistent half of me was quite disappointed. I cannot deny that I hoped you’d actually take my offer.
After that, we left each other to our own thoughts for the rest of the trip. I noticed how you looked everywhere except at me. Were you thinking about what I said? What could you be feeling? I wanted to know.
But more than that, I wanted to know what I’M feeling. I mean, we’re used to the incessant teasing and friendly pranks like this but I don’t know. It somehow feels different to me now. What changed? Is it that I’m finally realizing how happy I am when I’m with you? That I like being with you, whether while working or studying or just hanging out? That I always want to talk to you and listen to you and joke around with you?
There have been several times when I think I’m beginning to like you, see you as more than a friend. I was not sure then. Or I probably kept denying it. I don’t think I can do that now.
I would have wanted to think it through but I was jolted out of my reverie by the announcement that our train was about to arrive.
I saw you brace yourself as people started standing up and getting ready to hurdle their way out of the cramped space. “I’ll go ahead, walk behind me,” I said. “You can hold on to my bag so I don’t lose you.”
So I don’t lose you.
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
Apparently, I wasn’t done being a gentleman (and dropping phrases with multiple meanings) today. Thankfully, you just nodded.
However, just as I was turning to face the exit, the train doors opened and people began forcefully making their way out. Without a second thought, I reached for your hand and held it tightly as we allowed ourselves to be pushed by the throng.
 |
| (c) Summersky |
When we were safely out and finally breathing fresh air, we made our way to one of the empty benches to wait for our friends. Only when we were about to sit did I realize we were still holding hands. Only then did I feel how soft your hand is. Only then did I see how tightly it is clasped in mine and how it seemed to fit perfectly.
I sensed you were about to let go but I squeezed your hand quickly. You finally met my gaze and I tried to figure out how you felt about this when we heard someone calling your name. You pulled your hand from mine and hurriedly looked around.
I let your hand go but I know that something has already changed between us.
I know because even though hours have passed and there are a lot of things to be done and feelings to sort through, I kept going back to that moment on the train and all I can think about is how much I wanted to hold your hand a little bit longer.
 |
| (c) Summersky |
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