english,
After years and years of innocence, it becomes evident when you are grown
That no one is here to hold your hand
Or lend you warmth when you are cold.
We keep to ourselves
Exchanging pleasantries but never going further
Being too invested makes your hands come away dirty
Being known too well welcomes scrutiny
So you see, it is safer to only look on from a distance
Let our only binding factor be the sense to frame our pictures perfect
And keep mirror images of steady composures
Lest anyone see through the cracks
You don't reach out for a hand
You look over your shoulder
Before you find a knife in your back
This is how to trust.
You trace outstretched hands back
To find eyes of honey
Trickling in to salve your woes
Carrying the promise of companionship
You feel the urge to shift or avert your gaze
But you let it pass and let the gravity draw you in
Your fingers, young and uncalloused
But crowned with bitten-down nails,
Trembling, meet five unfamiliar
The knots in your chest loosen
And for the first time,
You are let known
Of the possibility,
Of the relief of constancy
When lives intertwine
An exhale slips past your lips.
From here,
You give way and begin to write a new story
This is how to trust.
Stay cautious of the feeling they write songs for
For pretty melodies lead the ear and eye astray
And make way for fabrication.
The truths leave you crying on bathroom floors
Or running and chasing and keeping score
For a thrill and a rush,
For the heart wishes to stay where it ought not to have gone,
Or for fear of the alternative,
On quiet nights there are no more seconds on the scoreboard.
You lift others up even when it breaks your arms
And inch closer every day to acceptance
That it is in passion's nature to be so reckless
Yet each night, you are still able to question
How something so suited for,
fostered by a heart
Can do so much to diminish it
This is how to love.
It comes on slowly
And almost imperceptibly
In the dim light
All you are let known of
Is despite the lightness in your chest
You can’t seem to catch your breath.
It has caught onto you
And it does not plan on letting go
It enswathes you
In a golden warmth,
A glowing softness
Such a contrast to the winters you’ve endured
That it overwhelms you
You let yourself be moved by it,
As your heart beats a little louder
And for more than yourself
This is how to love.
You can only describe it as clandestine,
Your feelings kept under lock and key
Residing deep in the depths of a chasm
Deft hands had vigilantly delved
They are what you must safeguard
Not from others, no—but from your own self.
Thus, you don’t dare go near the edge
For faraway tales of horses and men
Whose king had crumbled, never to be the same again;
Stories of curious children who wandered astray
And wound up mad along the way
Have all but taught you one thing:
Nothing good can come out of falling.
A storm this severe can no longer be quelled,
But it can be kept—and keep it you shall.
To guard your heart, let it never be found.
This is how to bleed.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Heavy is the weight
That burdens your lungs
Once a slow simmer in your bones,
Now a seething storm
That no longer begs
But demands its release,
Behests you be let free.
And so, shackles and all,
You let yourself fall—
And the tempest leaves you drenched
In emotions long-suppressed
You revel in its harsh staccato,
Its crescendo you await
For it promises inevitably
You will not walk away unscathed,
But this, you welcome gladly
And you have never felt more free.
This is how to bleed.
It does not exist.
It is simple as that; an illusion, a myth
An innocent wish from naivety’s lips
To be left unheard, left to perish
And it is born from foolishness innate of our kind
Leading kingdoms to their downfall,
Entangled in beguiling lies
But you are not blind.
You know it does not exist.
For if it truly does prevail, as they so ardently claim—
Why does every beat of your heart
Resemble the flicker of a dying flame?
The world around you is bleak and gray
But somehow, you favor it that way.
This is how to hope.
Amidst the wreckage,
You feel a rattle in your ribcage—
Thump, thump
The murmur of your heart
Worn and weary—empty,
Yet within these open seams
Is a sea of a shimmering silver
That glows and gleams
With all the splendor of the sun
It dares you to look away
Are you afraid? it seems to ask.
Thump, thump
You are not—
How can you be
When you are no longer lost?
You let go of the rage
Let repose settle in your veins
And with a smile,
You let the silver sea
Be the star
To guide your shipwreck ashore
You are not a stowaway
But the captain, worn from war
And you are ready to set sail
For a new day, once more.
This is how to hope.
When all the dust settles
And this cycle is no more
Think fondly of the time
When a stranger reached out their hand,
To soothe your unheard anguish
When your heart was enraptured,
Warmed by the brilliance of gold
When your storm ran rampant,
A resounding freedom in its wake
When your silver sea
Became a searchlight to your trajectory
Let your heart soar
At the fact that it did not waver;
It did not shy away
Amidst pain, against every cautionary tale wished upon it
It beat boldly with courage
And its pulse rings out now, reverberates
Unthreatened by the cold grip of regret
Let life seep into your soul
Let its color clothe your bones
Let it sing you songs of bliss and woe
Let it take you on a journey
And lead you back home
And you, now, shining in all your iridescence
Will never lose your luster
This is how to live.
Literary: To Live Beyond
That no one is here to hold your hand
Or lend you warmth when you are cold.
We keep to ourselves
Exchanging pleasantries but never going further
Being too invested makes your hands come away dirty
Being known too well welcomes scrutiny
So you see, it is safer to only look on from a distance
Let our only binding factor be the sense to frame our pictures perfect
And keep mirror images of steady composures
Lest anyone see through the cracks
You don't reach out for a hand
You look over your shoulder
Before you find a knife in your back
This is how to trust.
You trace outstretched hands back
To find eyes of honey
Trickling in to salve your woes
Carrying the promise of companionship
You feel the urge to shift or avert your gaze
But you let it pass and let the gravity draw you in
Your fingers, young and uncalloused
But crowned with bitten-down nails,
Trembling, meet five unfamiliar
The knots in your chest loosen
And for the first time,
You are let known
Of the possibility,
Of the relief of constancy
When lives intertwine
An exhale slips past your lips.
From here,
You give way and begin to write a new story
This is how to trust.
For pretty melodies lead the ear and eye astray
And make way for fabrication.
The truths leave you crying on bathroom floors
Or running and chasing and keeping score
For a thrill and a rush,
For the heart wishes to stay where it ought not to have gone,
Or for fear of the alternative,
On quiet nights there are no more seconds on the scoreboard.
You lift others up even when it breaks your arms
And inch closer every day to acceptance
That it is in passion's nature to be so reckless
Yet each night, you are still able to question
How something so suited for,
fostered by a heart
Can do so much to diminish it
This is how to love.
It comes on slowly
And almost imperceptibly
In the dim light
All you are let known of
Is despite the lightness in your chest
You can’t seem to catch your breath.
It has caught onto you
And it does not plan on letting go
It enswathes you
In a golden warmth,
A glowing softness
Such a contrast to the winters you’ve endured
That it overwhelms you
You let yourself be moved by it,
As your heart beats a little louder
And for more than yourself
This is how to love.
Your feelings kept under lock and key
Residing deep in the depths of a chasm
Deft hands had vigilantly delved
They are what you must safeguard
Not from others, no—but from your own self.
Thus, you don’t dare go near the edge
For faraway tales of horses and men
Whose king had crumbled, never to be the same again;
Stories of curious children who wandered astray
And wound up mad along the way
Have all but taught you one thing:
Nothing good can come out of falling.
A storm this severe can no longer be quelled,
But it can be kept—and keep it you shall.
To guard your heart, let it never be found.
This is how to bleed.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Heavy is the weight
That burdens your lungs
Once a slow simmer in your bones,
Now a seething storm
That no longer begs
But demands its release,
Behests you be let free.
And so, shackles and all,
You let yourself fall—
And the tempest leaves you drenched
In emotions long-suppressed
You revel in its harsh staccato,
Its crescendo you await
For it promises inevitably
You will not walk away unscathed,
But this, you welcome gladly
And you have never felt more free.
This is how to bleed.
It is simple as that; an illusion, a myth
An innocent wish from naivety’s lips
To be left unheard, left to perish
And it is born from foolishness innate of our kind
Leading kingdoms to their downfall,
Entangled in beguiling lies
But you are not blind.
You know it does not exist.
For if it truly does prevail, as they so ardently claim—
Why does every beat of your heart
Resemble the flicker of a dying flame?
The world around you is bleak and gray
But somehow, you favor it that way.
This is how to hope.
Amidst the wreckage,
You feel a rattle in your ribcage—
Thump, thump
The murmur of your heart
Worn and weary—empty,
Yet within these open seams
Is a sea of a shimmering silver
That glows and gleams
With all the splendor of the sun
It dares you to look away
Are you afraid? it seems to ask.
Thump, thump
You are not—
How can you be
When you are no longer lost?
You let go of the rage
Let repose settle in your veins
And with a smile,
You let the silver sea
Be the star
To guide your shipwreck ashore
You are not a stowaway
But the captain, worn from war
And you are ready to set sail
For a new day, once more.
This is how to hope.
When all the dust settles
And this cycle is no more
Think fondly of the time
When a stranger reached out their hand,
To soothe your unheard anguish
When your heart was enraptured,
Warmed by the brilliance of gold
When your storm ran rampant,
A resounding freedom in its wake
When your silver sea
Became a searchlight to your trajectory
Let your heart soar
At the fact that it did not waver;
It did not shy away
Amidst pain, against every cautionary tale wished upon it
It beat boldly with courage
And its pulse rings out now, reverberates
Unthreatened by the cold grip of regret
Let life seep into your soul
Let its color clothe your bones
Let it sing you songs of bliss and woe
Let it take you on a journey
And lead you back home
And you, now, shining in all your iridescence
Will never lose your luster
This is how to live.
english,
Literary: Metamorphosis
Egg
I am still too fragile to step out
With little knowledge of who I am
Though little by little, I grow, understand
The conformities of this world ahead
Though here I ponder, can I be different?
And not abide by these rules they set?
A voice outside, says no, adamantly
Perhaps not yet, so a bit more, I stay,
A prisoner of my own shell—forbidden to express,
Shielded away from those who suppress
Vexed and sickened to be stuck,
Leaving fear, I crack
Caterpillar
Emerging from what I only know
I open my eyes
Looking into the new world
I explore.
A world so colorful
Yet a limiting form
Am I really supposed to be this way?
I wonder.
The more I witness
The more I discover
The more I find out I could be more.
I think.
Pupa
Closed lids
Wrapped up tight
Rid of this dress
In thoughts I sought
Sought for love,
Sought for acceptance,
And for both I long and desire
It was I, all along, able to provide
Opened lids
Loose dress, unraveled
New dress, vibrant shade
No longer wearing a facade
Butterfly
I am free
From the cage of doubt
I now perceive
What I am about.
Colorful as can be
Capable of flight
Letting them know so they see
All day, all night.
Life goes shortly
Therefore, I must have fun.
I’m happy being me
And the very thing I’ve become.
To all the future butterflies
You have yourself
And everything around you
To guide your soul
To a world more real, brand new
It might not make sense in the beginning
Something’s missing maybe,
Or you may not have emerged yet,
Do not hurry.
In the end, all will be worth it.
A beautiful creature, free and true.
To the other beautiful creatures who have not emerged yet,
We’ll be waiting outside to welcome you.
Dalisay,
Abot sa kalsada ng Maginhawa ang pila sa coffee shop na ‘to. Kalat sa hangin ang matapang na amoy ng kape, matamis na halimuyak ng bagong-lutong mga keyk, at ang mga masisiglang halakhak ng mga magnobyo. Ito pala iyon ‘no? Ito ‘yung bagong café na sumikat pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng quarantine dahil sa mga daan-daang magkakaibigan at mag-jowa na matagal nang nawalay sa isa’t isa. Ako’y nakisali sa pila, naninibago pa ring ‘di mag-mask at makakita ng ganito karaming tao sa isang lugar, kahit isang taong wala nang COVID.
Naaalala mo pa kaya?
Ipinangako mo sa akin na sa unang date natin pagkatapos ng pandemic ay dadalhin mo ako sa coffee shop na ‘to. Pero wala. Hindi ganito ang na-imagine kong mangyayari sa unang pagpunta ko rito. Mag-isa. Taliwas ‘to sa mga plano ko—natin, noon.
Pagkatanggap ko ng order kong kape, tumungo ako sa nag-iisang bakanteng mesa sa loob na may dalawang upuan. Umupo ako rito, malapit sa counter ng mga barista. Hindi pa rin kita matanggal sa isip ko. Hindi ko mapigilang ma-imagine na kasama kita, nakaupo sa upuan sa harapan ko habang suot ang paborito mong jacket na lagi kong inaagaw sa’yo.
Isang taon na rin pala, ‘no?
Mag-iisang taon na rin mula noong bumitaw ka.
Alam mo, okay na talaga tayo nu’n eh. Hangang-hanga pa nga ang mga tao na kinaya nating maging tayo kahit may quarantine, isa rin ako sa kanila. Halos lahat kasi ng kaibigan kong may jowa ay nakipaghiwalay din noon. Baka may nadiskubre silang ugali na ‘di maganda sa isa’t isa na lumabas lang nang magkalayo sila nang matagal. Baka naman nasaktan nila ang isa’t isa. Pwede rin namang nawalan na lang talaga sila ng gana o nagsawa.
Hindi naman tayo gan’un.
Sa totoo lang, wala akong nahanap na mali sa’yo, kahit sikapin ko pa. Kapag binabalikan ko yung relasyon natin, wala akong maalala kundi ang bawat tawanan tuwing videocall habang tayo’y kumakain, iyakan ‘pag movie date sa Discord, at ang mga simpleng good night o sleep well, kahit ligo well araw-araw. Our love was perfect, hindi sobra at hindi kulang; or at least, that’s what I thought.
Bakit? Anong nangyari sa atin? Anong nangyari?
Humigop ako ng matapang na kape. Isang taon na rin akong nalilito kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Isang taon ko nang pino-postpone ang aking reaction paper sa ating break-up. Sana niloko mo na lang ako para naman may rason para magalit ako. Sana na lang may nahanap akong secret convo sa Messenger mo. Sana binalikan ka ng isa sa tatlo mong ex n’ung college. Sana siguro nag-Japan ka na lang para magtrabaho, para naman malinaw sa’kin kung bakit tayo naghiwalay.
Ano ba kasing dapat kong maramdaman? Galit? Lungkot? Wala eh, tinrato mo naman ako nang tama. Ilang beses mong sinabing mahal mo ako, at ilang beses mo naman itong pinaramdam sa akin. Pinapadalhan mo pa ako ng burger ng Shake Shack kapag malungkot ako. Sinong taong gagawa n’un, kundi yung in love na in love? Ang mahal-mahal n’un eh.
Naging patapang nang patapang ang mainit kong black coffee. Nasobrahan yata ‘yung barista sa pampapait sa iniinom kong kape.
Sinigaw ko ang pangalan mo sa utak ko. Hindi ko alam bakit; kung dahil ba sa pagkalito at pagkagalit o baka lang maamong tinatawag at sinusuyo ka nito, umaasang may sasagot sa kanya... umaasang sa pagtawag niya’y bigla ka na lang uupo sa harapan ko ngayon at tutuparin pa rin yung pangako mo sa’kin noon.
Patuloy pa ring kinakanta ng utak ko ang pangalan mo nang biglang may sumabay na boses mula sa café.
“Cappuccino po, iced,” narinig ko ang boses mo, nag-order.
Ilang libong beses ko nang narinig ang mga eat well mo sa akin sa ating mga tawagan. Imposibleng magkamali ako sa narinig ko. Ikaw. Pumunta ka ba rito dahil narinig mo yung utak ko na kanina pa hinaharana ang pangalan mo?
Nagbayad at bumalik ka sa dulong-dulo ng café. Sabi na nga ba. Sabi na nga bang pipiliin mong umupo nang malayo sa maraming tao, ‘di tulad ko. Doon tayo nagkakaiba. Mahiyain ka. At siyempre, iced pa nga, ibang iba sa trip kong maiinit at matatapang na inumin. Kilala pa rin talaga kita. Ilang minuto akong nanatiling ‘di gumagalaw sa upuan matapos kang panoorin bumalik sa dulo ng café.
‘Yun lang ‘yun? Aalis ka agad-agad? May mesa ka na ba? Bakante pa ‘yung akin.
Isinigaw ng barista ang pangalan mo kaso hindi mo napansin.
Nang marinig ko ang nakatutunaw na himig ng kaniyang pagbigkas sa’yong pangalan, nagbago bigla ang naramdaman ko. Napuno ako ng… inggit— inggit sa baristang pagkalipas ng ilang segundo ay iyong lalapitan at pasasalamatan, inggit sa kakayahan niyang masabi nang kay dali-dali ang pangalan mong sa utak ko lamang naisisigaw, pangalan mong ilang beses kong sinubukang pakinggan, sabihin, at kalimutan.
Inulit niya itong isigaw. Nananadya ata itong baristang ito, alam siguro na yung ex mo ang umiinom ng kape mag-isa sa harapan ng counter nila. Bakit ba kasi ang hina ng pandinig mo? O baka naman naririnig mo nga pero ‘di mo iniintindi. ‘Yun siguro naging problema natin, eh.
Ilang beses nga natin sinusubukang pakinggan ang isa’t isa at pag-usapan ang mga naging problema, pero parang nagkakalimutan lang din. We really tried, I know. Pero wala. Biglaan rin tayong naghiwalay. Siguro nagbitaw ka ng mga sign, sinubukan mong ipahalata sa’kin na ayaw mo na bago mo ako bitawan, ‘di ko alam. Siguro rin yun yung kailangan ko ngayon. Isang sign. Closure.
Nalunod na ako sa’king pagmumuni-muni nang biglang lumapit ka na sa counter. Ganoon ka pa rin tumayo, parang nahihiya— hindi halatang malakas mang-asar at parating pasimuno sa kulitan. Nakita ko ang dahan-dahang paggalaw ng mga kamay mong kaytagal kong inantay mahawakan.
Habang pinanood kita sa pagkuha mo ng dalawang pirasong tisyu sa lalagyan, nawala ang lahat— ang galit, inggit, pagkalito, mga maiingay na boses at dami ng tao sa paligid. Nawala silang lahat. Naging tayong dalawa na lang sa coffee shop sa Maginhawa. Para na ring natupad ang pangako mo sa’kin. Humigop ulit ako ng kape na parang mainit na niyakap yung puso ko. Hindi naman pala ganoon kapait ang timpla ng barista.
“Salamat po,” kinuha mo ang trey na inabot ng barista, at sa iyong pagtalikod, nagtagpo ang ating mga mata.
Aalukin ba kitang tabihan ako sa bakanteng upuan sa harapan ko, dahil puno na lahat ng mesa? Sinubukan kong alisin ang aking pagtingin pero ‘di ko matanggal. Parang may hinanap ako sa’yo. Hinanap ko ang dating tahanan ko sa ‘yong mga mata.
No words. Tila tumahimik ang utak kong kanina pa kumakanta, pumapadyak at umiindak sa piling ng ideyang kasama ka.
Hindi ‘ata natin namamalayang limang segundo na tayong nagkakatitigan. Hindi parang five seconds lang ‘yon eh, it felt like forever…parang ‘yung habambuhay na sinubukan nating tupdin sa isa’t isa.
Nagbitiw na lang tayo ng simpleng ngiti. Parang ngiting nagpapatawad at nagpapakumbaba, ‘yung ngiting alam mong kilala ka at ang mga pinagdaanan mo, ngiting nagpapaubaya at nagpapasalamat.
Ipinagmamalaki kitang tiningnan habang patuloy kang naglakad patungo sa isang mesa sa kabilang dulo ng café, dala-dala ang trey mong may dalawang straw at dalawang cup ng cappuccino.
Literary: Kape sa Maginhawa
Abot sa kalsada ng Maginhawa ang pila sa coffee shop na ‘to. Kalat sa hangin ang matapang na amoy ng kape, matamis na halimuyak ng bagong-lutong mga keyk, at ang mga masisiglang halakhak ng mga magnobyo. Ito pala iyon ‘no? Ito ‘yung bagong café na sumikat pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng quarantine dahil sa mga daan-daang magkakaibigan at mag-jowa na matagal nang nawalay sa isa’t isa. Ako’y nakisali sa pila, naninibago pa ring ‘di mag-mask at makakita ng ganito karaming tao sa isang lugar, kahit isang taong wala nang COVID.
Naaalala mo pa kaya?
Ipinangako mo sa akin na sa unang date natin pagkatapos ng pandemic ay dadalhin mo ako sa coffee shop na ‘to. Pero wala. Hindi ganito ang na-imagine kong mangyayari sa unang pagpunta ko rito. Mag-isa. Taliwas ‘to sa mga plano ko—natin, noon.
Pagkatanggap ko ng order kong kape, tumungo ako sa nag-iisang bakanteng mesa sa loob na may dalawang upuan. Umupo ako rito, malapit sa counter ng mga barista. Hindi pa rin kita matanggal sa isip ko. Hindi ko mapigilang ma-imagine na kasama kita, nakaupo sa upuan sa harapan ko habang suot ang paborito mong jacket na lagi kong inaagaw sa’yo.
Isang taon na rin pala, ‘no?
Mag-iisang taon na rin mula noong bumitaw ka.
Alam mo, okay na talaga tayo nu’n eh. Hangang-hanga pa nga ang mga tao na kinaya nating maging tayo kahit may quarantine, isa rin ako sa kanila. Halos lahat kasi ng kaibigan kong may jowa ay nakipaghiwalay din noon. Baka may nadiskubre silang ugali na ‘di maganda sa isa’t isa na lumabas lang nang magkalayo sila nang matagal. Baka naman nasaktan nila ang isa’t isa. Pwede rin namang nawalan na lang talaga sila ng gana o nagsawa.
Hindi naman tayo gan’un.
Sa totoo lang, wala akong nahanap na mali sa’yo, kahit sikapin ko pa. Kapag binabalikan ko yung relasyon natin, wala akong maalala kundi ang bawat tawanan tuwing videocall habang tayo’y kumakain, iyakan ‘pag movie date sa Discord, at ang mga simpleng good night o sleep well, kahit ligo well araw-araw. Our love was perfect, hindi sobra at hindi kulang; or at least, that’s what I thought.
Bakit? Anong nangyari sa atin? Anong nangyari?
Humigop ako ng matapang na kape. Isang taon na rin akong nalilito kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Isang taon ko nang pino-postpone ang aking reaction paper sa ating break-up. Sana niloko mo na lang ako para naman may rason para magalit ako. Sana na lang may nahanap akong secret convo sa Messenger mo. Sana binalikan ka ng isa sa tatlo mong ex n’ung college. Sana siguro nag-Japan ka na lang para magtrabaho, para naman malinaw sa’kin kung bakit tayo naghiwalay.
Ano ba kasing dapat kong maramdaman? Galit? Lungkot? Wala eh, tinrato mo naman ako nang tama. Ilang beses mong sinabing mahal mo ako, at ilang beses mo naman itong pinaramdam sa akin. Pinapadalhan mo pa ako ng burger ng Shake Shack kapag malungkot ako. Sinong taong gagawa n’un, kundi yung in love na in love? Ang mahal-mahal n’un eh.
Naging patapang nang patapang ang mainit kong black coffee. Nasobrahan yata ‘yung barista sa pampapait sa iniinom kong kape.
Sinigaw ko ang pangalan mo sa utak ko. Hindi ko alam bakit; kung dahil ba sa pagkalito at pagkagalit o baka lang maamong tinatawag at sinusuyo ka nito, umaasang may sasagot sa kanya... umaasang sa pagtawag niya’y bigla ka na lang uupo sa harapan ko ngayon at tutuparin pa rin yung pangako mo sa’kin noon.
Patuloy pa ring kinakanta ng utak ko ang pangalan mo nang biglang may sumabay na boses mula sa café.
“Cappuccino po, iced,” narinig ko ang boses mo, nag-order.
Ilang libong beses ko nang narinig ang mga eat well mo sa akin sa ating mga tawagan. Imposibleng magkamali ako sa narinig ko. Ikaw. Pumunta ka ba rito dahil narinig mo yung utak ko na kanina pa hinaharana ang pangalan mo?
Nagbayad at bumalik ka sa dulong-dulo ng café. Sabi na nga ba. Sabi na nga bang pipiliin mong umupo nang malayo sa maraming tao, ‘di tulad ko. Doon tayo nagkakaiba. Mahiyain ka. At siyempre, iced pa nga, ibang iba sa trip kong maiinit at matatapang na inumin. Kilala pa rin talaga kita. Ilang minuto akong nanatiling ‘di gumagalaw sa upuan matapos kang panoorin bumalik sa dulo ng café.
‘Yun lang ‘yun? Aalis ka agad-agad? May mesa ka na ba? Bakante pa ‘yung akin.
Isinigaw ng barista ang pangalan mo kaso hindi mo napansin.
Nang marinig ko ang nakatutunaw na himig ng kaniyang pagbigkas sa’yong pangalan, nagbago bigla ang naramdaman ko. Napuno ako ng… inggit— inggit sa baristang pagkalipas ng ilang segundo ay iyong lalapitan at pasasalamatan, inggit sa kakayahan niyang masabi nang kay dali-dali ang pangalan mong sa utak ko lamang naisisigaw, pangalan mong ilang beses kong sinubukang pakinggan, sabihin, at kalimutan.
Inulit niya itong isigaw. Nananadya ata itong baristang ito, alam siguro na yung ex mo ang umiinom ng kape mag-isa sa harapan ng counter nila. Bakit ba kasi ang hina ng pandinig mo? O baka naman naririnig mo nga pero ‘di mo iniintindi. ‘Yun siguro naging problema natin, eh.
Ilang beses nga natin sinusubukang pakinggan ang isa’t isa at pag-usapan ang mga naging problema, pero parang nagkakalimutan lang din. We really tried, I know. Pero wala. Biglaan rin tayong naghiwalay. Siguro nagbitaw ka ng mga sign, sinubukan mong ipahalata sa’kin na ayaw mo na bago mo ako bitawan, ‘di ko alam. Siguro rin yun yung kailangan ko ngayon. Isang sign. Closure.
Nalunod na ako sa’king pagmumuni-muni nang biglang lumapit ka na sa counter. Ganoon ka pa rin tumayo, parang nahihiya— hindi halatang malakas mang-asar at parating pasimuno sa kulitan. Nakita ko ang dahan-dahang paggalaw ng mga kamay mong kaytagal kong inantay mahawakan.
Habang pinanood kita sa pagkuha mo ng dalawang pirasong tisyu sa lalagyan, nawala ang lahat— ang galit, inggit, pagkalito, mga maiingay na boses at dami ng tao sa paligid. Nawala silang lahat. Naging tayong dalawa na lang sa coffee shop sa Maginhawa. Para na ring natupad ang pangako mo sa’kin. Humigop ulit ako ng kape na parang mainit na niyakap yung puso ko. Hindi naman pala ganoon kapait ang timpla ng barista.
“Salamat po,” kinuha mo ang trey na inabot ng barista, at sa iyong pagtalikod, nagtagpo ang ating mga mata.
Aalukin ba kitang tabihan ako sa bakanteng upuan sa harapan ko, dahil puno na lahat ng mesa? Sinubukan kong alisin ang aking pagtingin pero ‘di ko matanggal. Parang may hinanap ako sa’yo. Hinanap ko ang dating tahanan ko sa ‘yong mga mata.
No words. Tila tumahimik ang utak kong kanina pa kumakanta, pumapadyak at umiindak sa piling ng ideyang kasama ka.
Hindi ‘ata natin namamalayang limang segundo na tayong nagkakatitigan. Hindi parang five seconds lang ‘yon eh, it felt like forever…parang ‘yung habambuhay na sinubukan nating tupdin sa isa’t isa.
Nagbitiw na lang tayo ng simpleng ngiti. Parang ngiting nagpapatawad at nagpapakumbaba, ‘yung ngiting alam mong kilala ka at ang mga pinagdaanan mo, ngiting nagpapaubaya at nagpapasalamat.
Ipinagmamalaki kitang tiningnan habang patuloy kang naglakad patungo sa isang mesa sa kabilang dulo ng café, dala-dala ang trey mong may dalawang straw at dalawang cup ng cappuccino.
english,
Starting
Facing the screen
It's a place I've never been
Eyes sparkling, blood rushing
Who’s this person talking?
His pretty hair, charming smile...
I caught myself staring for a while
Do you think—no, it couldn’t be.
You just met. Isn’t it too early?
I shook my head, "Wait, what's this?"
Suddenly, it's you that I miss
Sign In
You’re sweet, calm, and kind to me
but aren’t you like that to everybody?
Are you a friend—or something more?
Mega best friend? I’m not so sure
Our eyes locked and I felt this thing...
That’s it, I’m entering
“They’re just friends” hah, they’re not!
I will not let these feelings rot
Heartbeat fast—you drew me in
“Fine,” I thought. “Let the games begin!”
Enter password
I find myself stuck in time
“Now what? Do I just whine?”
Just then, my phone suddenly rang
“Love is in the air” it loudly sang
As I had pressed the button, then came your voice
Oh my! I had no other choice!
“Hey, how are you?” you said, your voice shaking
Oblivious to the beat my heart is making
“Hi,” I said, not knowing what to do
“That’s it!” I cried. “My heart is looking for you!”
Connecting
I blushed real hard and dropped the phone
Suddenly, I wanted to be left alone
A text message came later that night
With you saying that it’s alright
I looked around to see if the place is clear,
Then I texted back, “Can I call you, my dear?”
Your call made my night sky shine so bright
Oh, your voice brought in so much light!
Connected
I’m walking down the damp street
12 a.m., looking for someone to meet
There you are in the corner, your eyes shining
Your lips curled and now you’re smiling
Suddenly, you pulled me over
Your lips started to get closer
My heart beat faster, my feet got numb
For a while, I just got dumb
After we kissed, you held my hand
As if to say, “It is only you whom I had”
Disconnecting
For three months, we've been together
I really hoped this goes on forever
After a month you've shown me the ring
I didn't expect the storm it might bring
My phone rang, it was a friend
Asking if our love has come to an end
I was surprised, they showed a photo
“They’re just friends” was the completely wrong motto
Who's this new girl you're kissing and talking to?
Who they said is “completely better than you?”
Literary: Disconnecting
Starting
Facing the screen
It's a place I've never been
Eyes sparkling, blood rushing
Who’s this person talking?
His pretty hair, charming smile...
I caught myself staring for a while
Do you think—no, it couldn’t be.
You just met. Isn’t it too early?
I shook my head, "Wait, what's this?"
Suddenly, it's you that I miss
Sign In
You’re sweet, calm, and kind to me
but aren’t you like that to everybody?
Are you a friend—or something more?
Mega best friend? I’m not so sure
Our eyes locked and I felt this thing...
That’s it, I’m entering
“They’re just friends” hah, they’re not!
I will not let these feelings rot
Heartbeat fast—you drew me in
“Fine,” I thought. “Let the games begin!”
Enter password
I find myself stuck in time
“Now what? Do I just whine?”
Just then, my phone suddenly rang
“Love is in the air” it loudly sang
As I had pressed the button, then came your voice
Oh my! I had no other choice!
“Hey, how are you?” you said, your voice shaking
Oblivious to the beat my heart is making
“Hi,” I said, not knowing what to do
“That’s it!” I cried. “My heart is looking for you!”
Connecting
I blushed real hard and dropped the phone
Suddenly, I wanted to be left alone
A text message came later that night
With you saying that it’s alright
I looked around to see if the place is clear,
Then I texted back, “Can I call you, my dear?”
Your call made my night sky shine so bright
Oh, your voice brought in so much light!
Connected
I’m walking down the damp street
12 a.m., looking for someone to meet
There you are in the corner, your eyes shining
Your lips curled and now you’re smiling
Suddenly, you pulled me over
Your lips started to get closer
My heart beat faster, my feet got numb
For a while, I just got dumb
After we kissed, you held my hand
As if to say, “It is only you whom I had”
Loading
Days have passed, we’ve been on dates
Ice cream in parks with roller skates
We went to museums filled with art
Every time I’d ask, you’d say, “you’re my favorite part.”
You became my pillar of support
The source of my everlasting comfort
All my life, I’ve never felt happier
Is this finally my happily ever after?
The toughest of times, now easier with you
I hope it’s like that for you too
Ice cream in parks with roller skates
We went to museums filled with art
Every time I’d ask, you’d say, “you’re my favorite part.”
You became my pillar of support
The source of my everlasting comfort
All my life, I’ve never felt happier
Is this finally my happily ever after?
The toughest of times, now easier with you
I hope it’s like that for you too
Disconnecting
For three months, we've been together
I really hoped this goes on forever
After a month you've shown me the ring
I didn't expect the storm it might bring
My phone rang, it was a friend
Asking if our love has come to an end
I was surprised, they showed a photo
“They’re just friends” was the completely wrong motto
Who's this new girl you're kissing and talking to?
Who they said is “completely better than you?”
No internet
A hundred times, I texted you
For hours, I called and knocked too
No answer came perhaps for the day
But for the next ten, there's still nothing you can say
You told her the same lies you told me
I never thought about what a good liar you can be
Slowly, the sadness that wrapped my heart
Became the anger that pulled us apart
Exit
Facing the screen
It's another place I've never been
Eyes damp, blood burning
Who’s this person talking?
That hair, that stupid smile
I caught myself staring for a while
Do you think—no, it will never be.
"You just met. Isn't it too early?"
At first, I didn't know what they mean
Now I know what a fool I have been
Shutting down
Blank. That's what we are.
It's all dark, and everything seemed so far.
Suddenly, my heart is bleeding with scars
Now, there's no such thing as stars
I never thought how hard it was for me
To accept that it's the worst you can be
Your eyes, now cold with ice
Your lips, how they spelled nothing but lies!
I know you had hated me for everything
It's okay, I had also loved you for nothing.
A hundred times, I texted you
For hours, I called and knocked too
No answer came perhaps for the day
But for the next ten, there's still nothing you can say
You told her the same lies you told me
I never thought about what a good liar you can be
Slowly, the sadness that wrapped my heart
Became the anger that pulled us apart
Exit
Facing the screen
It's another place I've never been
Eyes damp, blood burning
Who’s this person talking?
That hair, that stupid smile
I caught myself staring for a while
Do you think—no, it will never be.
"You just met. Isn't it too early?"
At first, I didn't know what they mean
Now I know what a fool I have been
Shutting down
Blank. That's what we are.
It's all dark, and everything seemed so far.
Suddenly, my heart is bleeding with scars
Now, there's no such thing as stars
I never thought how hard it was for me
To accept that it's the worst you can be
Your eyes, now cold with ice
Your lips, how they spelled nothing but lies!
I know you had hated me for everything
It's okay, I had also loved you for nothing.
english,
To my dearest Abyss,
Literary: To my dearest Abyss
To my dearest Abyss,
CURIOSITY
We talk incessantly in class,
you invariably make my cheeks red.
You said you adore my smile,
and my exceptionally ravishing face.
You choose always me,
as your partner in school projects.
We love our many matching outfits,
Especially our dazzling picture lockets.
We draw each other on glittered papers,
and I love your heavy-lidded eyes.
You always hug me from the back,
and after class you walk me home safely.
I’m so thrilled to have you.
CAPTIVATION
You just called me one day to say, “Tara gala,”
and went on to shower me with treats.
But I feared that your soles got sore
from all the walking that we did.
You spotted that character shirt,
and got us matching ones.
We held hands as we giggled,
and ate the kiddie meal you ordered.
I felt your weight against mine
when you dozed off on the way home.
I relived that day as I lay on my bed,
On the pile of clothes I tried on the night before.
I’m so lucky to have you.
FALLING
The day of my birthday,
to my house you came.
With a pink cake in your hand,
and two cinema tickets in the other.
You cackled and made fun of my face,
because my eyes got swollen from the sad movie.
To the photobooth you pulled me,
and put on the mustache prop.
I even saved the bus ticket
that you paid for on the ride home.
Just like last time,
my shoulder became your pillow.
In front of my house’s porch,
I thanked you for everything that day.
You looked me in the eyes,
gave me a daring smile and said:
“I’m happy to have a friend like you.”
Love,
The Girl Who Fell
Danisy,
Heaven
It’s like spending every second of your life in Heaven
Every moment takes your breath away
With the small brush of your hands
Your heart skips a beat
Every kiss gives you a feeling of euphoria.
Like light feathers tickling the edge of your nose,
It makes the corners of your lips curve up
and your cheeks turn bright red.
Waking up next to them,
surrounded by fluffy sheets and pillows,
like you’re afloat the sky, sitting on a cloud enveloped
with white cotton and the sun’s beaming rays
It’s serene and surreal
Millions of inexplicable emotions surging through your veins
—ecstasy, tranquility
It’s the kind of love people would wish for
When a shooting star passes by
A kind of love that is flawless
But as time goes by,
It’s sickening, isn’t it?
It’s the same thing over and over again
As if time is in a loop
The same feeling residing in your heart
The same skin touching yours
The same pair of lips that brings you bliss
How are you so sure you won’t get tired of it?
Literary: Love Purgatory
In this purgatory,
You are the judge to decide your fate
You choose your own damnation or benediction
Which path will you take?
Heaven or Hell?
Heaven
It’s like spending every second of your life in Heaven
Every moment takes your breath away
With the small brush of your hands
Your heart skips a beat
Every kiss gives you a feeling of euphoria.
Like light feathers tickling the edge of your nose,
It makes the corners of your lips curve up
and your cheeks turn bright red.
Waking up next to them,
surrounded by fluffy sheets and pillows,
like you’re afloat the sky, sitting on a cloud enveloped
with white cotton and the sun’s beaming rays
It’s serene and surreal
Millions of inexplicable emotions surging through your veins
—ecstasy, tranquility
It’s the kind of love people would wish for
When a shooting star passes by
A kind of love that is flawless
But as time goes by,
It’s sickening, isn’t it?
It’s the same thing over and over again
As if time is in a loop
The same feeling residing in your heart
The same skin touching yours
The same pair of lips that brings you bliss
How are you so sure you won’t get tired of it?
Hell
“Love is Hell.”
But the heat from it keeps your blood running
The thrill of chasing something you shouldn’t have,
something you couldn’t get.
Satisfy the temptation of biting the forbidden fruit,
the thrill of insurrection, breaking free.
Every bite you take slowly kills you, yet, it’s the sweetest taste
Every second of loving someone might feel like a waste
when they don’t give the same but
Every time they do, you feel the heat all over your skin
The misery is rewarding, you keep wanting more.
Waking up next to them,
on the cold, hard cement
Drowning in the push and pull and confusion, suffering
but you know they love you, even if it feels like Hell,
There’s potential.
Hell is not too good to be true
It’s not poison ivy disguised as Heaven,
It’s a rose you’re willing to grab by the stem
being tormented is easier to trust
It’ll just go uphill from here, it can never get worse.
Millions of inexplicable emotions surging through your veins-- lucrative agony.
The dark abyss of suffering gives hope that there’ll be light in the end.
The pain makes it feel like a challenge
The days go by, every bond you make is remarkable
The chase will get your heart racing but
How are you sure you won’t get tired chasing?
Black or white,
Roses or daisies
You are the judge to decide your fate
You choose your own damnation or benediction
Which path will you take?
english,
- New Moon
I find my way onto the dark field,
The place where joy and light used to be.
I sit on the bench, labeled B13,
Where the moon could not be seen.
- Waxing Crescent
Here’s a glimpse to the story:
You met with the blazing fire
On the same field that I sit on,
Waited for me to come at dawn.
- First Quarter
You’re like the half of me.
Since the first day of school
You, who I treasured, was lost
Now gone, at what cost?
- Waxing Gibbous
I remember the nights we spent together
Staring at the nearing full moon.
How many nights have passed?
More memories with you is what I always asked for.
- Full Moon
Indescribable affection, I dote on you,
I haven’t expressed, nor said a word
But now all I can offer is the full confession:
Only the stars now know of my passion.
- Waning Gibbous
Desire of mine to hear your reaction
Is becoming a mere dream.
You’re not here anymore,
How would wishing help me more?
- Third Quarter
It grants me extreme pain, but I have to let you go.
Half of me doesn’t want to let you leave,
There is nothing I can do but to accept reality.
I have to face the outcome of this unexpected tragedy.
- Waning Crescent
As you slowly start to fade away,
I stand from the bench labeled B13.
The place where we used to sit
Was engulfed in the fire that had the field lit.
Literary: New Moon
- New Moon
I find my way onto the dark field,
The place where joy and light used to be.
I sit on the bench, labeled B13,
Where the moon could not be seen.
“Unlighted like the sky,
A soul faced death and doom,
Now invisible like the New Moon.”
Here’s a glimpse to the story:
You met with the blazing fire
On the same field that I sit on,
Waited for me to come at dawn.
“If I hadn’t fought hesitation
And if I rushed like a fool,
There’d have been no one for me to lose.”
- First Quarter
You’re like the half of me.
Since the first day of school
You, who I treasured, was lost
Now gone, at what cost?
“Our lives just started that day,
And we stopped being childish.
Only you burned in anguish.”
- Waxing Gibbous
I remember the nights we spent together
Staring at the nearing full moon.
How many nights have passed?
More memories with you is what I always asked for.
“It kills me slowly, deeply,
When I’m reminded of how late I’ve been—
How my feelings were left unseen.”
- Full Moon
Indescribable affection, I dote on you,
I haven’t expressed, nor said a word
But now all I can offer is the full confession:
Only the stars now know of my passion.
“You were the shining moon,
Where my feelings rise like sea tides
As my magnetic fondness guides.”
- Waning Gibbous
Desire of mine to hear your reaction
Is becoming a mere dream.
You’re not here anymore,
How would wishing help me more?
“You were gone with the wind,
And the moon started to move,
I haven’t been able to improve.”
- Third Quarter
It grants me extreme pain, but I have to let you go.
Half of me doesn’t want to let you leave,
There is nothing I can do but to accept reality.
I have to face the outcome of this unexpected tragedy.
“The year has passed and I’m still here.
You must know these tears are temporary,
I’ll make sure to move on correctly.”
- Waning Crescent
As you slowly start to fade away,
I stand from the bench labeled B13.
The place where we used to sit
Was engulfed in the fire that had the field lit.
“Tragedy of the past, I loathe you.
But to end this cycle is a must
And with my strength, I trust.”
- At last, we welcome a New Moon -
-12:07-,
I. High Tides
The shore is where the land meets the sea, and on it, the tides of fate brought a girl who lived in the town nearby and a boy who came from afar together for the very first time.
The girl was running some errands by the sea, one summer afternoon, when a boy who wore a troubled look approached her and meekly asked for directions. The girl quickly noted that the boy was holding a suitcase and wearing unfamiliar clothes before answering in a friendly manner.
“Oh, I know how to get there! Just walk straight ahead and take a left turn at the third corner. You’re looking for the third building on the left side of that street. You know, I can take you there if you want! I need to finish running this errand first, though. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure. If you don’t mind, I can also tag along and help you with whatever it is you need to do. It’s the least I can do to pay you back for your assistance,” the boy replied with a smile.
The girl took the boy up on his offer, and they began walking together by the sea. At first, they did not even know each other’s names. By the time they had accomplished the girl’s errands, they were telling each other things about themselves and where they were from. Before long, they reached the boy’s destination and reluctantly said goodbye to each other. This was their first time meeting each other, but it would be far from the last.
Each day after their first encounter, they’d “accidentally” meet in the late hours of the afternoon at the place where they first met. How they spent these hours varied day to day, with the only constant being each other’s presence. On some days, they’d chase each other around the beach, not minding the sand that entered their shoes. On others, they would lie down together on the sand, laughing as they told each other stories, with one often laughing at the tales of the other. They would also make a canvas out of the sand and draw illustrations to accompany their voices. From time to time, the boy would bring his guitar and sing songs that soothed the girl’s ear. Occasionally, a large boat would pass by and they would drop whatever they were doing to allow the boy to marvel at the majesty of the vessel. At times, the girl would feel down, and without fail, the boy would stretch out his arms and bring her into his warm embrace. No matter how they chose to spend the afternoon, the hours would pass them by and they would find that the sun was about to sink into the sea. They would spend a few more minutes together, admiring the scenery—and each other—as the sky blushed and the sun gently kissed the sea.
II. Low Tides
The shore is where the land meets the sea, and on it, the tides of fate are watching—and perhaps mocking—a girl walking by her lonesome.
This time, she has no errands to run. She feels troubled and lost, but no one can give her either help or direction. She longs for someone to talk to, but there is no one around her. She stops to sigh and stare at the horizon where the sky touches the endless sea as her mind takes her on a cruise through time.
On some days, we would run around on these beaches and I would often leave him behind, not realizing that it would eventually be my turn to get left behind. On others, we would tell each other stories. I would only laugh and pretend to listen at times, not knowing that I would soon lose the chance to hear his voice. We would even draw pictures in the sand, forgetting that whatever we made would just get washed away by the unfeeling waves. From time to time, he would bring his ever-so-slightly out-of-tune guitar and sing songs that fill me with melancholy as I recall them. Occasionally, a large boat would pass by, and he would get excited without fail. I would have made fun of him if he hadn’t whispered to me a promise to take me on a cruise through all the seven seas. However, his promise will remain just that—a promise.
By the time she has finished reminiscing, the horizon she was staring at has already turned an orange hue that is painfully familiar to her. A part of her wants to look away, but she can’t. She knows that she has to take in every moment of the sunset, not for herself, but for the one who can no longer enjoy the luxury of doing so. She silently wishes that she can be forever stuck in that moment, that she can cling on to the last vestiges of the twilight she once shared with another. Alas, her wishes are in vain, and the setting sun soon ushers in the cold night. She falls into despondence, and there is no warm embrace that can comfort her. Not anymore.
I have to get going; I still have a eulogy to prepare.
Literary: Tides on the Shore
The shore is where the land meets the sea, and on it, the tides of fate brought a girl who lived in the town nearby and a boy who came from afar together for the very first time.
The girl was running some errands by the sea, one summer afternoon, when a boy who wore a troubled look approached her and meekly asked for directions. The girl quickly noted that the boy was holding a suitcase and wearing unfamiliar clothes before answering in a friendly manner.
“Oh, I know how to get there! Just walk straight ahead and take a left turn at the third corner. You’re looking for the third building on the left side of that street. You know, I can take you there if you want! I need to finish running this errand first, though. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure. If you don’t mind, I can also tag along and help you with whatever it is you need to do. It’s the least I can do to pay you back for your assistance,” the boy replied with a smile.
The girl took the boy up on his offer, and they began walking together by the sea. At first, they did not even know each other’s names. By the time they had accomplished the girl’s errands, they were telling each other things about themselves and where they were from. Before long, they reached the boy’s destination and reluctantly said goodbye to each other. This was their first time meeting each other, but it would be far from the last.
Each day after their first encounter, they’d “accidentally” meet in the late hours of the afternoon at the place where they first met. How they spent these hours varied day to day, with the only constant being each other’s presence. On some days, they’d chase each other around the beach, not minding the sand that entered their shoes. On others, they would lie down together on the sand, laughing as they told each other stories, with one often laughing at the tales of the other. They would also make a canvas out of the sand and draw illustrations to accompany their voices. From time to time, the boy would bring his guitar and sing songs that soothed the girl’s ear. Occasionally, a large boat would pass by and they would drop whatever they were doing to allow the boy to marvel at the majesty of the vessel. At times, the girl would feel down, and without fail, the boy would stretch out his arms and bring her into his warm embrace. No matter how they chose to spend the afternoon, the hours would pass them by and they would find that the sun was about to sink into the sea. They would spend a few more minutes together, admiring the scenery—and each other—as the sky blushed and the sun gently kissed the sea.
II. Low Tides
The shore is where the land meets the sea, and on it, the tides of fate are watching—and perhaps mocking—a girl walking by her lonesome.
This time, she has no errands to run. She feels troubled and lost, but no one can give her either help or direction. She longs for someone to talk to, but there is no one around her. She stops to sigh and stare at the horizon where the sky touches the endless sea as her mind takes her on a cruise through time.
On some days, we would run around on these beaches and I would often leave him behind, not realizing that it would eventually be my turn to get left behind. On others, we would tell each other stories. I would only laugh and pretend to listen at times, not knowing that I would soon lose the chance to hear his voice. We would even draw pictures in the sand, forgetting that whatever we made would just get washed away by the unfeeling waves. From time to time, he would bring his ever-so-slightly out-of-tune guitar and sing songs that fill me with melancholy as I recall them. Occasionally, a large boat would pass by, and he would get excited without fail. I would have made fun of him if he hadn’t whispered to me a promise to take me on a cruise through all the seven seas. However, his promise will remain just that—a promise.
By the time she has finished reminiscing, the horizon she was staring at has already turned an orange hue that is painfully familiar to her. A part of her wants to look away, but she can’t. She knows that she has to take in every moment of the sunset, not for herself, but for the one who can no longer enjoy the luxury of doing so. She silently wishes that she can be forever stuck in that moment, that she can cling on to the last vestiges of the twilight she once shared with another. Alas, her wishes are in vain, and the setting sun soon ushers in the cold night. She falls into despondence, and there is no warm embrace that can comfort her. Not anymore.
I have to get going; I still have a eulogy to prepare.
Chanel No. 5,
Nahulog ako sa’yo nang dahan-dahan.
Katulad ng ulan
Na nagsimula sa ambon
At bumuhos nang biglaan.
Ambon
Naaalala ko pa ang pagbagsak
Ng unang mga patak.
Ang simula ng aking pagkahulog
At ang ngiti mong siyang tumulak.
At sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon
Pumatak ang ambon.
‘Di maiwasang isiping nasaan kaya tayo ngayon
Kung sumilong ako noon?
Hangin
Hindi namalayang nagtago ang araw
Sa iyong bawat galaw.
Hindi namalayang nagkulay-abo
Ang langit kong bughaw.
Unti-unting dumilim ang langit
At lumalim ang damdamin.
Pangalan mo ang ibinubulong
Ng bawat simoy ng hangin.
Ulan
Palabas sa silong, pilit mo akong hinatak
Lumakas, dumami, bumigat ang mga patak
Sa pagdampi nito sa aking balat, dumampi rin ang mga tanong ko,
Sasaluhin mo ba ako kapag nahulog ako sa'yo?
Bumuhos ang ulan kasabay ng aking damdamin
Sasagutin mo ba ako kapag ako ay umamin?
Ang aking damit, buhok, balat ay nabasa
At basta’t para sa iyo, lulusob ako sa baha
Kidlat
Pinakawalan ko ang aking mga pagdududa,
Nagtampisaw sa ulan, at dahil sa pagkapabaya
Tila isang malakas na kidlat sa aki’y tumama,
Nang bigla kong nasabing mahal kita.
Naghihintay akong tumitig sa iyo
Lumakas ang ulan, sumakit ang mga patak nito
Ngunit mas masakit ang sagot na aking napagtanto
Sa iyong tahimik na mga matang salungat sa hinihiling ko
Bagyo
Sa iyong pagyapak, sumabay ang kidlat
Iniwan mo ako't tumakbo papalayo
Sa gitna ng ulan, ng dilim, ng sakit
Nahulog ako, at hinayaan mo lang ako
Lumakas ang kulog at kidlat
Ang ulan ay bumuhos pa
Tila iniiyak ng langit
Ang hindi mailuha ng aking mga mata
Baha
Ngunit kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito.
Walang ibang masisisi kundi ang sarili ko.
Ako ang pumiglas mula sa yakap ng araw
Dahil pinili ko ang iyong bagyo.
Bumaha ng mga katanungan
Umagos ang pagdududa
At nang ako'y malulunod na
Pumikit ako't huminga
Pagtila
Kumulog, umulan, kumidlat.
Niyakap ko ang bawat patak ng luha
sinalubong ang bawat sakit ng kidlat
Sa huling pagkakataon,
Kumulog.
Umulan.
Kumidlat.
At sa dulo ng lahat—
Bibitaw ako sa’yo nang dahan-dahan.
Katulad ng ulan
Na nagsimula sa ambon
At unti-unting tatahan.
Literary: Dahan-dahan.
Nahulog ako sa’yo nang dahan-dahan.
Katulad ng ulan
Na nagsimula sa ambon
At bumuhos nang biglaan.
Ambon
Naaalala ko pa ang pagbagsak
Ng unang mga patak.
Ang simula ng aking pagkahulog
At ang ngiti mong siyang tumulak.
At sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon
Pumatak ang ambon.
‘Di maiwasang isiping nasaan kaya tayo ngayon
Kung sumilong ako noon?
Hangin
Hindi namalayang nagtago ang araw
Sa iyong bawat galaw.
Hindi namalayang nagkulay-abo
Ang langit kong bughaw.
Unti-unting dumilim ang langit
At lumalim ang damdamin.
Pangalan mo ang ibinubulong
Ng bawat simoy ng hangin.
Ulan
Palabas sa silong, pilit mo akong hinatak
Lumakas, dumami, bumigat ang mga patak
Sa pagdampi nito sa aking balat, dumampi rin ang mga tanong ko,
Sasaluhin mo ba ako kapag nahulog ako sa'yo?
Bumuhos ang ulan kasabay ng aking damdamin
Sasagutin mo ba ako kapag ako ay umamin?
Ang aking damit, buhok, balat ay nabasa
At basta’t para sa iyo, lulusob ako sa baha
Kidlat
Pinakawalan ko ang aking mga pagdududa,
Nagtampisaw sa ulan, at dahil sa pagkapabaya
Tila isang malakas na kidlat sa aki’y tumama,
Nang bigla kong nasabing mahal kita.
Naghihintay akong tumitig sa iyo
Lumakas ang ulan, sumakit ang mga patak nito
Ngunit mas masakit ang sagot na aking napagtanto
Sa iyong tahimik na mga matang salungat sa hinihiling ko
Bagyo
Sa iyong pagyapak, sumabay ang kidlat
Iniwan mo ako't tumakbo papalayo
Sa gitna ng ulan, ng dilim, ng sakit
Nahulog ako, at hinayaan mo lang ako
Lumakas ang kulog at kidlat
Ang ulan ay bumuhos pa
Tila iniiyak ng langit
Ang hindi mailuha ng aking mga mata
Baha
Ngunit kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito.
Walang ibang masisisi kundi ang sarili ko.
Ako ang pumiglas mula sa yakap ng araw
Dahil pinili ko ang iyong bagyo.
Bumaha ng mga katanungan
Umagos ang pagdududa
At nang ako'y malulunod na
Pumikit ako't huminga
Pagtila
Kumulog, umulan, kumidlat.
Niyakap ko ang bawat patak ng luha
sinalubong ang bawat sakit ng kidlat
Sa huling pagkakataon,
Kumulog.
Umulan.
Kumidlat.
At sa dulo ng lahat—
Bibitaw ako sa’yo nang dahan-dahan.
Katulad ng ulan
Na nagsimula sa ambon
At unti-unting tatahan.
Atlass,
A man of contracts must have an impressive memory if he is to remember others’ promises.
The people who signed them, whether the sun was present when each contract was signed, how the stars in the sky lined up when each contract ended—every detail he must be able to recall. Having said that, not every recollection is a pleasant one.
It is said that during the years when rulers contended against one another, the man’s aspect was that of boundless slaughter. Because of this, people and other beings alike would fear him for his power. So much so that even stone would shake before his very feet, a reminder of his daunting and despiteful nature. One couldn’t possibly ascribe gentleness to him.
Low Tide
It was the morning after Taurus’ ascension.
He remembers the faint scent of saltwater as it blew through the wetlands and through the glaze lilies. He was tired, lost. As he walked past the marsh, he seemingly noticed a woman standing by the riverbed.
The woman was surrounded with sparkling dust around her, each particle reflecting the light back towards him. The wind blew past her billowing sleeves. She acted solemn, yet joyful. Her gentle voice asked the man what it was that caused the earth around them to shake.
The man, who had only known violence and cruelty as an answer, responded in a confused manner.
The woman whom he had just met did not fear him, but felt more concerned. At that moment, the earth, which had always shook before the very sole of his feet, stopped. All the rumbling he had only ever heard before had gone to rest. For the first time, he could hear the birds flutter their wings as they passed him. He could hear the water as it splashed through the rocks.
For the first time, he had found tranquility.
The woman had introduced herself as an engineer of sorts, a mender of broken things. A funny coincidence, she remarked, as it seemed the man standing before him looked like one who needed mending as well. The man rolled his amber eyes and replied he didn’t need it, and was better off alone. She insisted and asked the man if he would like to accompany her to her people's settlement down south.
The man, already curious about this woman's personality, convinced himself to follow her and know more about her. Either way, he had no other choice since he had no place to go.
High Tide
It was already the morning of Bootes when they had arrived at the fields where the settlement resided. The dewy grass swept through the plains the pair walked on.
The settlement was so huge you could see it from hills away. The towering stone buildings could easily be mistaken as mountains themselves. As they approached the settlement, the man’s face turned as pale as a ghost when he realized the woman referred to her people as normalfolk. The man had always despised the normalfolk—he thought they were simple-minded and stubborn beings. He had always seen them as beneath him.
As they entered the encampment, they had received mixed looks. Looks of fear and despisement for the man, and love and adoration for his companion. People approached the woman in joy. The woman responded back just the same.
That night, as the moon rose from the horizon, they feasted amongst the great halls of one of the huge stone houses. The woman sat at the center of the room celebrating with the people in benevolence, while the man sat at the far corner of it. He had spent most of his time alone, so to him, mixing in with the normalfolk would’ve felt like mixing oil and water.
The woman was kind towards her people. The man watched as she approached every person in the hall. He remarked that the way the woman smiled to them was genuine. The warmth in which she enveloped her people felt like a fireplace on a cold winter night. He himself was not participating in the celebration of her return, and yet he could feel it even from that distance.
The woman took notice of how lone amber eyes followed her, and so she chose to approach the man in the corner. The man quickly turned away, acting still as rock, like nothing happened. The man then asked why a woman like her was compassionate and empathized with the normalfolk. They were hard beings, never needing the help or guidance of a person like her.
“If you’ve spent just as much time as I have with them,” her gentle voice uttered as the cold wind entered the hall windows, “you could tell that these people could become so much more than you ascribe them to be.”
Those were words he understood. However, it would take him a long time to figure out that knowing what they meant did not mean he understood them. The woman could tell from his expression exactly that. Smiling, she reached for the jewelled trinket on her waist and gave it to him. He didn’t quite understand why, but the sly grin of his companion told him that it would be important in the future.
They had spent the next lifetime becoming friends, forging bonds and contracts between the land and its people. But even time isn’t so kind. Like stone, it erodes even those with the purest intentions.
Soon enough, the man who had finally found a companion, found himself alone all over again amongst the fields of glaze lilies where they had first met.
Low Tide
It was the night of the Scorpion’s masquerade, and all of the local royals were present.
The sea, the most tranquil of the royals, was seen oddly along the coastline. It quickly danced, moving from the sand and back into the dark ocean. The wind joined this quickstep, making its way past the guests with a sharp, icy draft. It was a glorious night.
The attendees were happy—save for one.
The man, unlike those around him, wore a frown on his face.
The light atmosphere and all the merrymaking were like the salt in the sea. They taunted the gashes on his chest. Every single thing that was in sight was a cruel reminder of the promise he had yet to achieve.
He thought he had already understood people. He glimpsed into the hearts of those he met and, although not perfectly, was able to make sense out of them. He was able to wrap his head around the silliest of disputes normalfolk had. He knew now that men were not flat earth. They could not survive the force he previously subjected them to. They were more like cliffs—capable of enduring the weight of towers, but too much would make them crumble.
He knew all these. He knew—and yet he didn’t.
He didn’t know, because his people retreated from him like the waters of Yaoguang Shoal. He spoke to them as gently as he could. Yet to some, his words were still as rough as sand. The normalfolk still regarded him as this stone-cold fellow, and his stories were poison, bringing much suffering to those who stood by his side.
The man sitting on the beach looked towards the sky. He could only look up now, because the person whom he made the promise to, and who was always beside him, was gone.
He smiled sadly, remembering the soft locks of hair on his shoulder. His friend was as strong as dust. Yet, he could not help but think that she was the strongest out of all that he met.
High Tide
It was already the night of the Pegasus when he arrived.
The masquerade was still on, although now it was a winter ball. The sea, now dancing with the wind, sashayed back and forth the shoreline. The wind still danced its quickstep, its gritty coolness darting around the cliffs and trees. Together, they looked like the queen and king of the white mountains.
This waltz had been happening for a while now, and the man was used to it. He returned to the same spot, paying no mind to how the biting water enveloped his ankles. His mind was here to think, and think he did.
The gentry thought that when he achieved his goal, or made strides towards it, everything would become perfect. From up a hill, flocks of people would talk to him about the simplest of things. The wind would be as gentle as the words exchanged, and their hearts as warm as the sun. Above them, the sky would be as clear as untouched waters. He would finally be with everyone.
Yet here he was—at night, the wind as piercing as the claws of golden crabs. No light or warmth could be seen nearby, save for a single lantern a child had given him earlier from the lantern festival. He was alone.
And yet, he didn’t mind.
He laughed at himself. Truly it was foolish to think the best parts of life would be perfect.
Admittedly, there were still a few things the man did not understand. But for now, what he knew was enough. It was enough, because he finally had people by his side. They were with him out of their own will, and he no longer caused them pain. It wasn’t perfect, but now he didn’t need it to be.
He was finally fulfilling his promise.
As he stared off into the distance, he recalled the moment when he made that vow to his friend. The fabric she adorned herself with flapped in the breeze like the mighty clouds that flew over the region. The last smile she wore before returning to dust was sincere.
“Our journey together has ended, it seems.” She motioned to the trinket on the man’s belt. She claimed it held her wisdom, and unlocking it would allow him to reach his goal—to understand his people. “Forget about it,” were her last words, clearing him of any responsibilities.
But he would not forget. Someday—he didn’t know when, and he didn’t know how long it will take—he will fulfill his promise.
Based on the lore of Genshin Impact (miHoYo Co., Ltd., 2020)
Literary: Promise
The people who signed them, whether the sun was present when each contract was signed, how the stars in the sky lined up when each contract ended—every detail he must be able to recall. Having said that, not every recollection is a pleasant one.
It is said that during the years when rulers contended against one another, the man’s aspect was that of boundless slaughter. Because of this, people and other beings alike would fear him for his power. So much so that even stone would shake before his very feet, a reminder of his daunting and despiteful nature. One couldn’t possibly ascribe gentleness to him.
Low Tide
It was the morning after Taurus’ ascension.
He remembers the faint scent of saltwater as it blew through the wetlands and through the glaze lilies. He was tired, lost. As he walked past the marsh, he seemingly noticed a woman standing by the riverbed.
The woman was surrounded with sparkling dust around her, each particle reflecting the light back towards him. The wind blew past her billowing sleeves. She acted solemn, yet joyful. Her gentle voice asked the man what it was that caused the earth around them to shake.
The man, who had only known violence and cruelty as an answer, responded in a confused manner.
The woman whom he had just met did not fear him, but felt more concerned. At that moment, the earth, which had always shook before the very sole of his feet, stopped. All the rumbling he had only ever heard before had gone to rest. For the first time, he could hear the birds flutter their wings as they passed him. He could hear the water as it splashed through the rocks.
For the first time, he had found tranquility.
The woman had introduced herself as an engineer of sorts, a mender of broken things. A funny coincidence, she remarked, as it seemed the man standing before him looked like one who needed mending as well. The man rolled his amber eyes and replied he didn’t need it, and was better off alone. She insisted and asked the man if he would like to accompany her to her people's settlement down south.
The man, already curious about this woman's personality, convinced himself to follow her and know more about her. Either way, he had no other choice since he had no place to go.
High Tide
It was already the morning of Bootes when they had arrived at the fields where the settlement resided. The dewy grass swept through the plains the pair walked on.
The settlement was so huge you could see it from hills away. The towering stone buildings could easily be mistaken as mountains themselves. As they approached the settlement, the man’s face turned as pale as a ghost when he realized the woman referred to her people as normalfolk. The man had always despised the normalfolk—he thought they were simple-minded and stubborn beings. He had always seen them as beneath him.
As they entered the encampment, they had received mixed looks. Looks of fear and despisement for the man, and love and adoration for his companion. People approached the woman in joy. The woman responded back just the same.
That night, as the moon rose from the horizon, they feasted amongst the great halls of one of the huge stone houses. The woman sat at the center of the room celebrating with the people in benevolence, while the man sat at the far corner of it. He had spent most of his time alone, so to him, mixing in with the normalfolk would’ve felt like mixing oil and water.
The woman was kind towards her people. The man watched as she approached every person in the hall. He remarked that the way the woman smiled to them was genuine. The warmth in which she enveloped her people felt like a fireplace on a cold winter night. He himself was not participating in the celebration of her return, and yet he could feel it even from that distance.
The woman took notice of how lone amber eyes followed her, and so she chose to approach the man in the corner. The man quickly turned away, acting still as rock, like nothing happened. The man then asked why a woman like her was compassionate and empathized with the normalfolk. They were hard beings, never needing the help or guidance of a person like her.
“If you’ve spent just as much time as I have with them,” her gentle voice uttered as the cold wind entered the hall windows, “you could tell that these people could become so much more than you ascribe them to be.”
Those were words he understood. However, it would take him a long time to figure out that knowing what they meant did not mean he understood them. The woman could tell from his expression exactly that. Smiling, she reached for the jewelled trinket on her waist and gave it to him. He didn’t quite understand why, but the sly grin of his companion told him that it would be important in the future.
They had spent the next lifetime becoming friends, forging bonds and contracts between the land and its people. But even time isn’t so kind. Like stone, it erodes even those with the purest intentions.
Soon enough, the man who had finally found a companion, found himself alone all over again amongst the fields of glaze lilies where they had first met.
Low Tide
It was the night of the Scorpion’s masquerade, and all of the local royals were present.
The sea, the most tranquil of the royals, was seen oddly along the coastline. It quickly danced, moving from the sand and back into the dark ocean. The wind joined this quickstep, making its way past the guests with a sharp, icy draft. It was a glorious night.
The attendees were happy—save for one.
The man, unlike those around him, wore a frown on his face.
The light atmosphere and all the merrymaking were like the salt in the sea. They taunted the gashes on his chest. Every single thing that was in sight was a cruel reminder of the promise he had yet to achieve.
He thought he had already understood people. He glimpsed into the hearts of those he met and, although not perfectly, was able to make sense out of them. He was able to wrap his head around the silliest of disputes normalfolk had. He knew now that men were not flat earth. They could not survive the force he previously subjected them to. They were more like cliffs—capable of enduring the weight of towers, but too much would make them crumble.
He knew all these. He knew—and yet he didn’t.
He didn’t know, because his people retreated from him like the waters of Yaoguang Shoal. He spoke to them as gently as he could. Yet to some, his words were still as rough as sand. The normalfolk still regarded him as this stone-cold fellow, and his stories were poison, bringing much suffering to those who stood by his side.
The man sitting on the beach looked towards the sky. He could only look up now, because the person whom he made the promise to, and who was always beside him, was gone.
He smiled sadly, remembering the soft locks of hair on his shoulder. His friend was as strong as dust. Yet, he could not help but think that she was the strongest out of all that he met.
High Tide
It was already the night of the Pegasus when he arrived.
The masquerade was still on, although now it was a winter ball. The sea, now dancing with the wind, sashayed back and forth the shoreline. The wind still danced its quickstep, its gritty coolness darting around the cliffs and trees. Together, they looked like the queen and king of the white mountains.
This waltz had been happening for a while now, and the man was used to it. He returned to the same spot, paying no mind to how the biting water enveloped his ankles. His mind was here to think, and think he did.
The gentry thought that when he achieved his goal, or made strides towards it, everything would become perfect. From up a hill, flocks of people would talk to him about the simplest of things. The wind would be as gentle as the words exchanged, and their hearts as warm as the sun. Above them, the sky would be as clear as untouched waters. He would finally be with everyone.
Yet here he was—at night, the wind as piercing as the claws of golden crabs. No light or warmth could be seen nearby, save for a single lantern a child had given him earlier from the lantern festival. He was alone.
And yet, he didn’t mind.
He laughed at himself. Truly it was foolish to think the best parts of life would be perfect.
Admittedly, there were still a few things the man did not understand. But for now, what he knew was enough. It was enough, because he finally had people by his side. They were with him out of their own will, and he no longer caused them pain. It wasn’t perfect, but now he didn’t need it to be.
He was finally fulfilling his promise.
As he stared off into the distance, he recalled the moment when he made that vow to his friend. The fabric she adorned herself with flapped in the breeze like the mighty clouds that flew over the region. The last smile she wore before returning to dust was sincere.
“Our journey together has ended, it seems.” She motioned to the trinket on the man’s belt. She claimed it held her wisdom, and unlocking it would allow him to reach his goal—to understand his people. “Forget about it,” were her last words, clearing him of any responsibilities.
But he would not forget. Someday—he didn’t know when, and he didn’t know how long it will take—he will fulfill his promise.
Based on the lore of Genshin Impact (miHoYo Co., Ltd., 2020)
filipino,
Tatakbo
Palayo sa unos
Hindi ko na kaya
Kailangan ko nang kumawala
Lalakad
Pabalik sa aking pinanggalingan
Sa kabila ng takot at mga duda
Ito’y akin nang haharapin
Gagapang
Kahit na gaano kahirap ang pagdadaanan
Ilang galos man ang aking matamo
Igagapang ito at magpapatuloy
Tatalon
Dahil ako’y naging matapang
Pinakawalan ang mga pangamba’t alinlangan
Isang lundag na lang, lahat ay matatapos na
Nahapo man sa pagtakbo
Kahit nadapa at paulit-ulit na nagkamali
Nasaktan man sa paggapang
Magpapatuloy pa rin
Naglakad nang pabalik-balik sa iisang landas
Nawala, hindi alam kung saan
Tumalon, ginawa ang lahat
Hanggang sa wakas, nakamit itong tagumpay
Literary: Kilos
Palayo sa unos
Hindi ko na kaya
Kailangan ko nang kumawala
Lalakad
Pabalik sa aking pinanggalingan
Sa kabila ng takot at mga duda
Ito’y akin nang haharapin
Gagapang
Kahit na gaano kahirap ang pagdadaanan
Ilang galos man ang aking matamo
Igagapang ito at magpapatuloy
Tatalon
Dahil ako’y naging matapang
Pinakawalan ang mga pangamba’t alinlangan
Isang lundag na lang, lahat ay matatapos na
Nahapo man sa pagtakbo
Kahit nadapa at paulit-ulit na nagkamali
Nasaktan man sa paggapang
Magpapatuloy pa rin
Naglakad nang pabalik-balik sa iisang landas
Nawala, hindi alam kung saan
Tumalon, ginawa ang lahat
Hanggang sa wakas, nakamit itong tagumpay
Elliot,
September 12, 2005
Dear Diary,
It’s my 12th birthday today! My mom gave me this diary as a gift. I was so happy when she gave me this earlier! Having a diary was one of my birthday wishes because I always see my friends carry diaries around in their backpacks. I also want to write and share what happens to my life every day without anyone knowing. So I will keep this safely hidden in my room so that no one can read it secretly.
Today was really fun! I saw my grandparents, my aunts, and my friends! The clown was so funny and cool! His magic tricks were so amazing! Also, my cake was so beautiful! I never thought that I would have that kind of cake, it was so BIG!
I hope everyone enjoyed my party! And to you, my diary, I hope you enjoyed listening to my day too! We will have a lot of stories soon!
November 27, 2005
Hello Diary! Today was our report card day. My parents were happier with my grades this year compared to last year. To reward me, they gave me a doll! It is so cute!!!! I have always wanted a doll, but they always told me that it was an unnecessary and expensive purchase and that I should learn to only buy necessary things. It made me sad, but it didn’t stop me from making myself some dolls. I remember that I used to make dolls from scratch paper, yarn, and socks. I would sleep beside them every day and take care of them as if they were my own pets. But soon, my parents learned about the socks and were very upset with me. They said that it was a waste of a good pair of socks; they grounded me for the day to reflect on what I did. It was very confusing at first, but that doesn’t matter right now—I have my own doll!!
This feels so nice.
Have I told you yet? I’m 20! I've grown a lot. Are you proud of me? Ohhhhh also, I graduated from college!! With a degree in Management Engineering! Fancy, right? And I’m going to work soon at my dream company! How exciting is that?
I realized sooooooooooooo many things since the last time I wrote to you.
Admittedly, my life was so difficult to handle then. I’m so thankful that I had you when I felt my world was caving in. I learned a lot more about life. I felt stronger and I got more independent as I fought alone.
When I stopped writing to you, that was when I felt like I hit rock bottom. I remember crying almost every night, blaming myself for everything bad that had happened to us. For months I believed that I was the problem. I had lost all my energy to study, eat, and write to you—my dearest Diary. My dad was worried about me, so he decided to send me to church for prayers, but that didn’t help. I felt guiltier and more of a burden—I got worse. I could barely sleep and was drowning in negative thoughts. I really didn’t know what to do at that time. But as they say, “When you’ve hit rock bottom, that’s where you can start to climb back.” I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it happened.
Slowly, I started getting out of bed, taking a bath, cleaning my room—and I took my time when it came to bigger activities such as exercising or attending events, but again I was able to do it! As years passed by, I got back on my feet, and now look at me—I’m a fresh graduate! Everything got better because of my dad’s support and my therapist’s help. My therapist taught me a lot of things that can help me become a happier and healthier person. I am thankful for her. She helped me realize that life will give you more than what you expect if you believe in yourself and stay strong for yourself.
I still have a lot of time. I am still young, but I am going to fight and I will continue to give this unknown life meaning. Things do get better!
Literary: Yesterday's Sorrow, Tomorrow's Hope
Dear Diary,
It’s my 12th birthday today! My mom gave me this diary as a gift. I was so happy when she gave me this earlier! Having a diary was one of my birthday wishes because I always see my friends carry diaries around in their backpacks. I also want to write and share what happens to my life every day without anyone knowing. So I will keep this safely hidden in my room so that no one can read it secretly.
Today was really fun! I saw my grandparents, my aunts, and my friends! The clown was so funny and cool! His magic tricks were so amazing! Also, my cake was so beautiful! I never thought that I would have that kind of cake, it was so BIG!
I hope everyone enjoyed my party! And to you, my diary, I hope you enjoyed listening to my day too! We will have a lot of stories soon!
From your friend,
Me, myself & I
Hello Diary! Today was our report card day. My parents were happier with my grades this year compared to last year. To reward me, they gave me a doll! It is so cute!!!! I have always wanted a doll, but they always told me that it was an unnecessary and expensive purchase and that I should learn to only buy necessary things. It made me sad, but it didn’t stop me from making myself some dolls. I remember that I used to make dolls from scratch paper, yarn, and socks. I would sleep beside them every day and take care of them as if they were my own pets. But soon, my parents learned about the socks and were very upset with me. They said that it was a waste of a good pair of socks; they grounded me for the day to reflect on what I did. It was very confusing at first, but that doesn’t matter right now—I have my own doll!!
I promise to take care of her, give her a nice home, and talk to her every day! They said that I can keep her and buy her new friends if I keep excelling at my academics and if I don’t, they will take my doll away from me. But no matter what happens, I will do my best to bring more friends for my doll! Thank you, Diary! I hope you enjoyed it!
December 25, 2005
Dear Diary,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, my dear friend Diary! I received a lot of gifts today! I was so excited to open presents, but my mom said that I have to wait until the New Year otherwise my gifts will be cursed. Instead, she said that we have to go to her province to visit our grandparents. We left the house in the afternoon and arrived at my parents’ childhood home, just in time for the Christmas party we hold annually. This event is almost the only time we get together as a family and almost the only time I get to play with my cousins.
My cousins are a lot older than me and I admire them so much; some of them are already in their dream colleges, a step closer to achieving their dreams, while some are in high school awaiting graduation. My parents always make it a competition to be better than they were because, as they say, “excellence is the only key to success”.
I wanted to hang out with my cousins, but they told me that I was too young to join their discussions, so instead, I went to our room and wrote to you—my Diary. I don’t understand why I feel like I don’t fit anybody’s expectations. I always feel like I’m failing rather than succeeding, which is what I’m supposed to be doing. OMG what am I doing to myself? I sound pathetic! I just want to spend this day happily but I guess I’m ruining it for myself. Hopefully I can play with my toys tomorrow when we go home. That’s it, Diary! Thank you for being here for me.
January 28, 2006
Dear Diary,
Why am I such a failure? Today, I failed two of my Long Tests. Where did I go wrong? I studied, I memorized important details, I even did my ritual before taking the test. Yet, I still failed. Oh no! This is going to badly affect my grades, my chances of running for highest honors, which will negatively impact my chances of getting into a top-notch college with a full scholarship, which can affect my chances of getting into a high-paying job.
I just basically ruined my life.
What am I going to do? My parents will be so mad when they find out. If only you could speak, my dearest Diary, what do you suggest I do?
March 12, 2006
Dear Diary,
I thought friends would be there for you when you’re at your lowest. I guess I was wrong... I’ve been feeling low since my parents are always criticizing my grades for being “too average”—I am just really tired. I want them to be happy but the pressure is giving me a hard time keeping up with school. Our subjects are getting more impossible each year but they probably don’t know that. Sometimes I just want to be a student who passes everything and not be punished for being—well, average. I hate feeling like this.
I told my friends about this yesterday and now they won’t talk or even notice me because I don’t have excellent grades like them? They also spread rumors about me, saying I have a “Loser Disease” where, according to them, if I touch or interact with anybody, they would catch the same illness. So, I went home as the bell rang without communicating with anyone. I can feel all the negative energy fueling my entire body. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to leave... I want to transfer. I can’t take it anymore! Diary, don’t leave me okay? Thank you for listening to me again.
March 25, 2006
Dear Diary,
I don’t want to go to school anymore. Everyone is still ignoring me; I told my parents about this but all I got was another lecture about success and the cons of failing. I couldn’t pull my grades up and my dolls have been taken away from me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel tired most of the time; I want to keep trying but I can’t bear to see their disappointed faces anymore. Why do I keep feeling this way? I shouldn’t. There are people out there who have it worse. Yet I'm here whining about how my friends betrayed me and how I always feel like a disappointment to my parents. Will I ever be enough for anybody? I don’t know and I don't care anymore. I want to give up! No I don’t, not really. Dear Diary, what am I going to do?
June 28, 2006
Dear Diary,
I don’t know how to write this without my hands shaking and my tears falling.
My mom has breast cancer.
My dad and I just learned about it today but my mom had known for years. I didn't fully understand what it meant at first, then I remembered the same disease my grandmother had. My parents were really devastated when she passed.
I don’t know what to do. What if she leaves me? What do I do without her? What will happen to me and my dad if she leaves? I don’t want her to leave… I can’t live without her. We were just so happy yesterday. Why is this happening? Diary, I hope she gets well soon…
September 12, 2006
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday to me, I guess. Everything around me is falling apart. My friends are gone, my mom is sick, and I feel like I am such a burden to my parents. We are not the richest; my parents can only provide our basic needs—and with my mom’s medication and hospital bills, our finances have dropped. I want to help, but how? I’m only 13.
Should I get a job? Should I start saving money for myself now? How can I help my parents? I really don’t know what to do. I guess I have to do well in school so that my parents will feel at ease.
Oh, they bought me a cake today. It was so sweet but all I could think about was how they tried to put on happy faces when their eyes were telling me the opposite. I felt my heart wrench when my mom sang “Happy Birthday”. She is so weak and fragile from all the medicine she’s been taking. I pray she gets better, I love her very much, I don’t want to lose her.
I hope we will be happier soon. I hope my mom will get better. Thank you for being there for me again, My Diary.
May 7, 2013
Dear Diary,
It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I am so sorry for leaving you after I asked you to not leave me, but I just ate everything that I said. I missed you—big time. If I didn't need something in our storeroom, I would probably not have seen nor remembered you. It’s nice meeting you again!
From your best friend,
Me, myself & I
Dear Diary,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, my dear friend Diary! I received a lot of gifts today! I was so excited to open presents, but my mom said that I have to wait until the New Year otherwise my gifts will be cursed. Instead, she said that we have to go to her province to visit our grandparents. We left the house in the afternoon and arrived at my parents’ childhood home, just in time for the Christmas party we hold annually. This event is almost the only time we get together as a family and almost the only time I get to play with my cousins.
My cousins are a lot older than me and I admire them so much; some of them are already in their dream colleges, a step closer to achieving their dreams, while some are in high school awaiting graduation. My parents always make it a competition to be better than they were because, as they say, “excellence is the only key to success”.
I wanted to hang out with my cousins, but they told me that I was too young to join their discussions, so instead, I went to our room and wrote to you—my Diary. I don’t understand why I feel like I don’t fit anybody’s expectations. I always feel like I’m failing rather than succeeding, which is what I’m supposed to be doing. OMG what am I doing to myself? I sound pathetic! I just want to spend this day happily but I guess I’m ruining it for myself. Hopefully I can play with my toys tomorrow when we go home. That’s it, Diary! Thank you for being here for me.
From your one and only friend,
Me, myself & I
Dear Diary,
Why am I such a failure? Today, I failed two of my Long Tests. Where did I go wrong? I studied, I memorized important details, I even did my ritual before taking the test. Yet, I still failed. Oh no! This is going to badly affect my grades, my chances of running for highest honors, which will negatively impact my chances of getting into a top-notch college with a full scholarship, which can affect my chances of getting into a high-paying job.
I just basically ruined my life.
What am I going to do? My parents will be so mad when they find out. If only you could speak, my dearest Diary, what do you suggest I do?
From your failure of a friend,
Me, myself, & I
Dear Diary,
I thought friends would be there for you when you’re at your lowest. I guess I was wrong... I’ve been feeling low since my parents are always criticizing my grades for being “too average”—I am just really tired. I want them to be happy but the pressure is giving me a hard time keeping up with school. Our subjects are getting more impossible each year but they probably don’t know that. Sometimes I just want to be a student who passes everything and not be punished for being—well, average. I hate feeling like this.
I told my friends about this yesterday and now they won’t talk or even notice me because I don’t have excellent grades like them? They also spread rumors about me, saying I have a “Loser Disease” where, according to them, if I touch or interact with anybody, they would catch the same illness. So, I went home as the bell rang without communicating with anyone. I can feel all the negative energy fueling my entire body. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to leave... I want to transfer. I can’t take it anymore! Diary, don’t leave me okay? Thank you for listening to me again.
From a loser,
Me, myself & I
Dear Diary,
I don’t want to go to school anymore. Everyone is still ignoring me; I told my parents about this but all I got was another lecture about success and the cons of failing. I couldn’t pull my grades up and my dolls have been taken away from me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel tired most of the time; I want to keep trying but I can’t bear to see their disappointed faces anymore. Why do I keep feeling this way? I shouldn’t. There are people out there who have it worse. Yet I'm here whining about how my friends betrayed me and how I always feel like a disappointment to my parents. Will I ever be enough for anybody? I don’t know and I don't care anymore. I want to give up! No I don’t, not really. Dear Diary, what am I going to do?
From a disappointment
Me, Myself, and I
Dear Diary,
I don’t know how to write this without my hands shaking and my tears falling.
My mom has breast cancer.
My dad and I just learned about it today but my mom had known for years. I didn't fully understand what it meant at first, then I remembered the same disease my grandmother had. My parents were really devastated when she passed.
I don’t know what to do. What if she leaves me? What do I do without her? What will happen to me and my dad if she leaves? I don’t want her to leave… I can’t live without her. We were just so happy yesterday. Why is this happening? Diary, I hope she gets well soon…
From your friend,
Me, myself & I
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday to me, I guess. Everything around me is falling apart. My friends are gone, my mom is sick, and I feel like I am such a burden to my parents. We are not the richest; my parents can only provide our basic needs—and with my mom’s medication and hospital bills, our finances have dropped. I want to help, but how? I’m only 13.
Should I get a job? Should I start saving money for myself now? How can I help my parents? I really don’t know what to do. I guess I have to do well in school so that my parents will feel at ease.
Oh, they bought me a cake today. It was so sweet but all I could think about was how they tried to put on happy faces when their eyes were telling me the opposite. I felt my heart wrench when my mom sang “Happy Birthday”. She is so weak and fragile from all the medicine she’s been taking. I pray she gets better, I love her very much, I don’t want to lose her.
I hope we will be happier soon. I hope my mom will get better. Thank you for being there for me again, My Diary.
From your confused friend,
Me, myself & I
Dear Diary,
It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I am so sorry for leaving you after I asked you to not leave me, but I just ate everything that I said. I missed you—big time. If I didn't need something in our storeroom, I would probably not have seen nor remembered you. It’s nice meeting you again!
This feels so nice.
Have I told you yet? I’m 20! I've grown a lot. Are you proud of me? Ohhhhh also, I graduated from college!! With a degree in Management Engineering! Fancy, right? And I’m going to work soon at my dream company! How exciting is that?
I realized sooooooooooooo many things since the last time I wrote to you.
Admittedly, my life was so difficult to handle then. I’m so thankful that I had you when I felt my world was caving in. I learned a lot more about life. I felt stronger and I got more independent as I fought alone.
When I stopped writing to you, that was when I felt like I hit rock bottom. I remember crying almost every night, blaming myself for everything bad that had happened to us. For months I believed that I was the problem. I had lost all my energy to study, eat, and write to you—my dearest Diary. My dad was worried about me, so he decided to send me to church for prayers, but that didn’t help. I felt guiltier and more of a burden—I got worse. I could barely sleep and was drowning in negative thoughts. I really didn’t know what to do at that time. But as they say, “When you’ve hit rock bottom, that’s where you can start to climb back.” I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it happened.
Slowly, I started getting out of bed, taking a bath, cleaning my room—and I took my time when it came to bigger activities such as exercising or attending events, but again I was able to do it! As years passed by, I got back on my feet, and now look at me—I’m a fresh graduate! Everything got better because of my dad’s support and my therapist’s help. My therapist taught me a lot of things that can help me become a happier and healthier person. I am thankful for her. She helped me realize that life will give you more than what you expect if you believe in yourself and stay strong for yourself.
I still have a lot of time. I am still young, but I am going to fight and I will continue to give this unknown life meaning. Things do get better!
From your best gal,
Cleo :)
filipino,
Maskara
“Ang dami na namang likes ng recent Instagram post ko,” sabi ko habang may ngiting tagumpay sa labi.
Kaka-post ko lang ng litrato kanina. Siguro wala pang isang oras ang nakakalipas, lagpas isang libo na ang natamo kong likes.
Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, ngunit mayroon akong lagpas apat na libong followers sa Instagram. Madalas akong mag-post ng aking mga litrato dito. Mapa-OOTD man ‘yan o selfie, damang-dama ko ‘yung saya kapag sunod-sunod na dumarating ang mga notification mula sa mga nagla-like ng posts ko. Kaya madalas sa isang araw ay nakakadalawa hanggang tatlong post ako sa aking account.
At ngayon, naghahanda ako muli upang kumuha ng panibagong litrato kong ipo-post ko mamaya. Suot ang aking bagong fitted dress na talaga namang humuhubog sa hugis ng aking katawan. Katapat ang salaming mas matangkad pa sa akin, nagsimula na akong kumuha ng mga litrato. Nang masiyahan na ako sa mga litrato ko, inihanda ko na ‘tong i-edit para i-post.
Hindi kagandahan ang hugis ng aking katawan at kondisyon ng balat ko, pero dahil sa kakayahan ng pag-eedit, madali kong nababago ang itsura ko sa larawan. Gamit ang mga photo editing apps, nababago ko ang hugis ng aking katawan, mas ginagawa ko itong sexy. Dahil sa ganoong paraan mas maraming nagla-like ng posts ko at dumarami ang followers ko. Sa tulong din ng kolorete, natatakpan ko ang aking ‘di kagandahang balat, marami kasi akong acne scars, kaya lagi akong gumagamit ng kolorete sa mukha upang matakpan ang mga ito.
Dahil sa pag-eedit at patong-patong na kolorete, tiyak ako na matutuwa ang aking mga follower. Basta maganda at makinis na mukha, samahan mo pa ng magandang hubog ng katawan, siguradong maraming likes ang ang larawang iyon.
Nang matapos na ako sa pag-eedit ng aking litrato, agad ko itong pinost sa Instagram account ko. Tulad ng sa aking inaasahan, ilang minuto pa lamang ang nakakalipas, mayroon na agad itong isang daang likes at iilang komento na nagsasabi na ang ganda ko sa litratong ‘yun. Kahit na ang iba dito ay hindi ko kilala, nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng saya dahil pinupuri nila ako.
Nawala ang ngiti ko nang mabasa ko ang isang komento.
“Sus, puro edit/filter lang naman ‘yan. Sa IG ngayon, puro pakitang tao na lahat. Mga nagkukunwari at peke. Malamang pag nakita niyo siya sa personal, ‘di niyo makikilala. Nakasusuklam, mapanlinlang ka.” komento ng taong di ko naman kilala.
Agad ko namang tiningnan ang account ng nagkomento, kakaunti lang ang followers nito pero pina-follow niya ako.
“Nag-follow ba siya para lang magsulat ng ganitong komento sa post ko?” inis kong sabi.
Dahil sa inis, agad kong bli-nock ang nagkomento nito, at inalis ang komento niya. Baka mamaya kung ano ang isipin ng iba kong followers at sumang-ayon sila sa nagkomento.
Realidad
Upang hindi maisip ang nabasa kong komento, tumayo ako upang kumuha ng maiinom.
Nang tumayo ako para pumunta sa kusina, nadaanan ko ang aking salamin na nakasabit sa pader. Napahinto ako at lumapit dito. Pinagmasdan ko nang maigi ang aking mukha. Puno ito ng tigyawat, hindi makinis. Napunta naman ang tingin ko sa aking katawan. Hindi ako gaanong kapayat kagaya ng mga nakikita ko sa Instagram. May mga peklat sa aking mga binti, may mga stretch mark, hindi ako sobrang puti, at ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat, hindi hugis hourglass ang aking katawan. Bumalik sa aking isipan ang mga salitang sinabi nung nagkomento sa aking larawan.
Nakasusuklam at mapanlinlang. ‘Yan ang mga salitang kanyang ginamit. Aamin ko, nasaktan ako sa kanyang mga sinabi. Wala naman sa aking intensyon na manlinlang ng kahit sino.
Binuksan ko uli ang aking telepono upang tingnan ang kanyang komento. Ngunit napahinto ako nang makita ko ang aking larawan. Makinis ang aking mukha at puno ng kolorete, maganda ang hugis ng aking katawan, at hindi kita ang mga marka sa aking mga binti.
Halos hindi ko na makilala ang aking sarili. Ibang-iba ang aking itsura sa personal.
Tumingin uli ako sa salamin. Napahawak ako sa aking mukha at bigla na lang naluha. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tunay kong mukha o ang tunay kong katawan. Ginaya ko ang mga nakikita ko sa social media, ginaya ko kung ano ang sa tingin nilang kaaya-ayang mukha at perpektong katawan. Wala namang mali sa aking ginawa diba? Binago ko ang aking itsura upang umayon sa kung ano ang gusto nila. Marami akong natamong mga papuri dahil sa aking itsura, maraming followers at likes. Ngunit bakit ganito ang aking nararamdaman? Bakit parang may mali? Dapat masaya ako dahil gusto nila ako, gusto nila ang kanilang nakikita. Sa mata ng iba ako ay perpekto. Pero sa nakikita ko ngayon sa salamin, napakarami kong pagkukulang, napakarami kong mali.
Tama ang nasa komento, nakasusuklam ako. Kung ako ay makikita nila sa personal, hindi nila ako makikilala.
Isa lang ang aking nasabi habang humahagulgol sa iyak.
“Nakakahiya ka.”
Lumipas ang ilang linggo mula noong tumigil muna ako sa pagkuha ng mga larawan at pagpo-post sa Instagram. Hindi ko kayang baguhin muli ang aking itsura. Ni hindi ko na kayang tingnan ang aking sarili sa salamin. Hindi ko na rin alam kung sino ako.
Matagal na akong walang kasama sa bahay, ngunit ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong lungkot. Wala man lang sa followers ko ang naghahanap sa akin. Hindi ba sila nalulumbay dahil wala ako? Akala ko ba gusto nila ako?
Muli akong nalungkot at nanlumo. Sinubukan kong ibaling ang aking atensyon sa iba sa pamamagitan ng pag-scroll sa ibang social media apps.
“Ay, ito Facebook! Baka makahanap ako rito ng mga nakakatawang post,” aniya ko.
Pagbukas ko ng Facebook ay hindi nakakatuwang posts ang bumungad sa akin kundi isang larawan ng babae. Hindi ko kilala kung sino siya, hindi naman siya artista o sikat na personalidad. Isa lang siyang ordinaryong tao. Ngunit maraming natamong likes at reaksyon ang kanyang post. Tinignan ko ang kanyang post at nakita ko ang kanyang larawan na nagpapakita ng kanyang mukha at katawan. Makikita sa larawan ang mga stretch marks sa kanyang hita, ang kanyang mukha ay hindi makinis at wala itong mga kolorete sa mukha, at hindi hugis hourglass ang kanyang katawan. Kahit na ganun ang itsura niya, siya ay nakangiti.
Masaya siya at masaya rin ang mga tao para sa kanya. Napahanga ako sa kanyang i-pinost. Nagpakatotoo siya sa sarili niya at sa lahat. Hindi gaya ko na namuhay sa kung ano ang gusto ng iba o kung ano ang sa tingin ng lipunan na kaaya-aya.
Napangiti ako habang pinagmamasdan ang kanyang larawan. Mas lumaki ang aking ngiti nang mabasa ko ang kasabihan na nakasulat sa caption ng kanyang post, “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”—Amy Bloom
Humanga ako sa kaniyang tapang at kumpiyansa sa sarili. Hindi niya binigyang importansya ang kung ano man ang sasabihin ng iba. Dahil sa post na iyon, nag-iba ang pananaw ko sa aking sarili.
Tinanggap ko lahat ng wala ako at pinahahalagahan ko kung ano ang meron ako. Wala naman talagang perpekto sa buhay. Nagkakaroon lamang ng mga pamantayan sa kung ano dapat ang hitsura o pamumuhay ng isang tao dahil sa binubuong pamantayan ng lipunan. Napagtanto ko rin na ang mga kolorete at mga filter ay ginawa upang tulungan tayong magkaroon ng lakas ng loob sa sarili ngunit dapat tandaan na hindi ito permanente. Ang tunay na kagandahan ay hindi nasusukat sa pisikal na itsura, ito ay nababase sa panloob na kabutihan. Ang pagiging totoo sa sarili at sa iba at ang pagkakaroon ng lakas ng loob at pagmamahal sa sarili, iyon ang mga katangiang nagpapatunay sa kagandahan ng isang tao. Isa ako sa mga nagtago sa ilalim ng maskara, ngayon, oras na upang maging totoo ako sa aking sarili at sa iba.
Binuksan ko ang aking telepono at kinunan ang sarili ng litrato. Wala akong suot na kolorete at filter sa mukha. Hindi ko rin ito i-eedit o babaguhin. Sa aking paningin, ako ay maganda at sapat. Pinindot ko ang Instagram at pinost ang litratong iyon. Panahon na upang makita nila ako. Walang edit, walang pagbabago sa mukha, at walang panlilinlang. Panahon na upang makita nila ang tunay na ako.
Literary: Ang Tunay na Ako
Maskara
“Ang dami na namang likes ng recent Instagram post ko,” sabi ko habang may ngiting tagumpay sa labi.
Kaka-post ko lang ng litrato kanina. Siguro wala pang isang oras ang nakakalipas, lagpas isang libo na ang natamo kong likes.
Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, ngunit mayroon akong lagpas apat na libong followers sa Instagram. Madalas akong mag-post ng aking mga litrato dito. Mapa-OOTD man ‘yan o selfie, damang-dama ko ‘yung saya kapag sunod-sunod na dumarating ang mga notification mula sa mga nagla-like ng posts ko. Kaya madalas sa isang araw ay nakakadalawa hanggang tatlong post ako sa aking account.
At ngayon, naghahanda ako muli upang kumuha ng panibagong litrato kong ipo-post ko mamaya. Suot ang aking bagong fitted dress na talaga namang humuhubog sa hugis ng aking katawan. Katapat ang salaming mas matangkad pa sa akin, nagsimula na akong kumuha ng mga litrato. Nang masiyahan na ako sa mga litrato ko, inihanda ko na ‘tong i-edit para i-post.
Hindi kagandahan ang hugis ng aking katawan at kondisyon ng balat ko, pero dahil sa kakayahan ng pag-eedit, madali kong nababago ang itsura ko sa larawan. Gamit ang mga photo editing apps, nababago ko ang hugis ng aking katawan, mas ginagawa ko itong sexy. Dahil sa ganoong paraan mas maraming nagla-like ng posts ko at dumarami ang followers ko. Sa tulong din ng kolorete, natatakpan ko ang aking ‘di kagandahang balat, marami kasi akong acne scars, kaya lagi akong gumagamit ng kolorete sa mukha upang matakpan ang mga ito.
Dahil sa pag-eedit at patong-patong na kolorete, tiyak ako na matutuwa ang aking mga follower. Basta maganda at makinis na mukha, samahan mo pa ng magandang hubog ng katawan, siguradong maraming likes ang ang larawang iyon.
Nang matapos na ako sa pag-eedit ng aking litrato, agad ko itong pinost sa Instagram account ko. Tulad ng sa aking inaasahan, ilang minuto pa lamang ang nakakalipas, mayroon na agad itong isang daang likes at iilang komento na nagsasabi na ang ganda ko sa litratong ‘yun. Kahit na ang iba dito ay hindi ko kilala, nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng saya dahil pinupuri nila ako.
Nawala ang ngiti ko nang mabasa ko ang isang komento.
“Sus, puro edit/filter lang naman ‘yan. Sa IG ngayon, puro pakitang tao na lahat. Mga nagkukunwari at peke. Malamang pag nakita niyo siya sa personal, ‘di niyo makikilala. Nakasusuklam, mapanlinlang ka.” komento ng taong di ko naman kilala.
Agad ko namang tiningnan ang account ng nagkomento, kakaunti lang ang followers nito pero pina-follow niya ako.
“Nag-follow ba siya para lang magsulat ng ganitong komento sa post ko?” inis kong sabi.
Dahil sa inis, agad kong bli-nock ang nagkomento nito, at inalis ang komento niya. Baka mamaya kung ano ang isipin ng iba kong followers at sumang-ayon sila sa nagkomento.
Realidad
Upang hindi maisip ang nabasa kong komento, tumayo ako upang kumuha ng maiinom.
Nang tumayo ako para pumunta sa kusina, nadaanan ko ang aking salamin na nakasabit sa pader. Napahinto ako at lumapit dito. Pinagmasdan ko nang maigi ang aking mukha. Puno ito ng tigyawat, hindi makinis. Napunta naman ang tingin ko sa aking katawan. Hindi ako gaanong kapayat kagaya ng mga nakikita ko sa Instagram. May mga peklat sa aking mga binti, may mga stretch mark, hindi ako sobrang puti, at ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat, hindi hugis hourglass ang aking katawan. Bumalik sa aking isipan ang mga salitang sinabi nung nagkomento sa aking larawan.
Nakasusuklam at mapanlinlang. ‘Yan ang mga salitang kanyang ginamit. Aamin ko, nasaktan ako sa kanyang mga sinabi. Wala naman sa aking intensyon na manlinlang ng kahit sino.
Binuksan ko uli ang aking telepono upang tingnan ang kanyang komento. Ngunit napahinto ako nang makita ko ang aking larawan. Makinis ang aking mukha at puno ng kolorete, maganda ang hugis ng aking katawan, at hindi kita ang mga marka sa aking mga binti.
Halos hindi ko na makilala ang aking sarili. Ibang-iba ang aking itsura sa personal.
Tumingin uli ako sa salamin. Napahawak ako sa aking mukha at bigla na lang naluha. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tunay kong mukha o ang tunay kong katawan. Ginaya ko ang mga nakikita ko sa social media, ginaya ko kung ano ang sa tingin nilang kaaya-ayang mukha at perpektong katawan. Wala namang mali sa aking ginawa diba? Binago ko ang aking itsura upang umayon sa kung ano ang gusto nila. Marami akong natamong mga papuri dahil sa aking itsura, maraming followers at likes. Ngunit bakit ganito ang aking nararamdaman? Bakit parang may mali? Dapat masaya ako dahil gusto nila ako, gusto nila ang kanilang nakikita. Sa mata ng iba ako ay perpekto. Pero sa nakikita ko ngayon sa salamin, napakarami kong pagkukulang, napakarami kong mali.
Tama ang nasa komento, nakasusuklam ako. Kung ako ay makikita nila sa personal, hindi nila ako makikilala.
Isa lang ang aking nasabi habang humahagulgol sa iyak.
“Nakakahiya ka.”
Lumipas ang ilang linggo mula noong tumigil muna ako sa pagkuha ng mga larawan at pagpo-post sa Instagram. Hindi ko kayang baguhin muli ang aking itsura. Ni hindi ko na kayang tingnan ang aking sarili sa salamin. Hindi ko na rin alam kung sino ako.
Matagal na akong walang kasama sa bahay, ngunit ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong lungkot. Wala man lang sa followers ko ang naghahanap sa akin. Hindi ba sila nalulumbay dahil wala ako? Akala ko ba gusto nila ako?
Muli akong nalungkot at nanlumo. Sinubukan kong ibaling ang aking atensyon sa iba sa pamamagitan ng pag-scroll sa ibang social media apps.
“Ay, ito Facebook! Baka makahanap ako rito ng mga nakakatawang post,” aniya ko.
Pagbukas ko ng Facebook ay hindi nakakatuwang posts ang bumungad sa akin kundi isang larawan ng babae. Hindi ko kilala kung sino siya, hindi naman siya artista o sikat na personalidad. Isa lang siyang ordinaryong tao. Ngunit maraming natamong likes at reaksyon ang kanyang post. Tinignan ko ang kanyang post at nakita ko ang kanyang larawan na nagpapakita ng kanyang mukha at katawan. Makikita sa larawan ang mga stretch marks sa kanyang hita, ang kanyang mukha ay hindi makinis at wala itong mga kolorete sa mukha, at hindi hugis hourglass ang kanyang katawan. Kahit na ganun ang itsura niya, siya ay nakangiti.
Masaya siya at masaya rin ang mga tao para sa kanya. Napahanga ako sa kanyang i-pinost. Nagpakatotoo siya sa sarili niya at sa lahat. Hindi gaya ko na namuhay sa kung ano ang gusto ng iba o kung ano ang sa tingin ng lipunan na kaaya-aya.
Napangiti ako habang pinagmamasdan ang kanyang larawan. Mas lumaki ang aking ngiti nang mabasa ko ang kasabihan na nakasulat sa caption ng kanyang post, “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”—Amy Bloom
Humanga ako sa kaniyang tapang at kumpiyansa sa sarili. Hindi niya binigyang importansya ang kung ano man ang sasabihin ng iba. Dahil sa post na iyon, nag-iba ang pananaw ko sa aking sarili.
Tinanggap ko lahat ng wala ako at pinahahalagahan ko kung ano ang meron ako. Wala naman talagang perpekto sa buhay. Nagkakaroon lamang ng mga pamantayan sa kung ano dapat ang hitsura o pamumuhay ng isang tao dahil sa binubuong pamantayan ng lipunan. Napagtanto ko rin na ang mga kolorete at mga filter ay ginawa upang tulungan tayong magkaroon ng lakas ng loob sa sarili ngunit dapat tandaan na hindi ito permanente. Ang tunay na kagandahan ay hindi nasusukat sa pisikal na itsura, ito ay nababase sa panloob na kabutihan. Ang pagiging totoo sa sarili at sa iba at ang pagkakaroon ng lakas ng loob at pagmamahal sa sarili, iyon ang mga katangiang nagpapatunay sa kagandahan ng isang tao. Isa ako sa mga nagtago sa ilalim ng maskara, ngayon, oras na upang maging totoo ako sa aking sarili at sa iba.
Binuksan ko ang aking telepono at kinunan ang sarili ng litrato. Wala akong suot na kolorete at filter sa mukha. Hindi ko rin ito i-eedit o babaguhin. Sa aking paningin, ako ay maganda at sapat. Pinindot ko ang Instagram at pinost ang litratong iyon. Panahon na upang makita nila ako. Walang edit, walang pagbabago sa mukha, at walang panlilinlang. Panahon na upang makita nila ang tunay na ako.
Binibining Marikit,
“Tapos ayun! Umuwi na kami ng tropa HAHAHA laptrip lang talaga ‘tong araw na ‘to!”
“Sige. Good night, mahimbing sana ang tulog mo ngayong gabi. Mahal kita!”
Literary: Nagulumihanan
“Ah haha ang saya naman.”
“Heather, okay ka lang ba? May problema ba?”“Wala naman, inaantok lang. Matutulog na ako ha? ”
Seen 11:11 pm
Lumipas na naman ang isang araw na hindi ako nagpakatotoo sa sarili ko, na hindi alam ni Andre ang tunay na nararamdaman ko.
Sa ilang taon na pinagsamahan namin na puno ng pag-asa, pangako, at pagmamahalan, mga aral na nagpatibay at bumuo sa aming pagkatao, mga pagsubok na magkasama naming nalagpasan at mga karanasang nagpatatag sa aming relasyon...
Sinong mag-aakalang unti-unti akong bibitaw?
Napakaramot ko, ano? Hindi ko man lang maamin sa kanya at sarili ko na hindi na kami — ay, ako lang pala — hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Hindi na ako yung Heather na gustong laging tinatawagan at kinukwentuhan tungkol sa kanyang lumipas na araw, na gustong sinusuyo matapos magtampo, na gusto siyang makasama saanman magpunta, na hinahanap-hanap ang piling niya.
Ngayon, para bang ayaw ko na. Bigla na lang napundi ang sparks naming dalawa. Napakasakit makita na ibinibigay nung tao ang buo niya sa’yo habang ‘di mo man lang maibalik kahit maliit na bahagi nito. Kung matindi ang sakit na dala nito sa akin, paano pa sa kanya? Paano pa siyang walang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin ako? Hindi ba’t karapat-dapat lamang na ipaglaban ko pa ito, para sa kaniya at para sa samahang aming nabuo? Hindi dapat si Andre ang sasalo ng sakit na dulot ng problemang pinapasan ko.
Ngunit, paano naman ako? Magsusuot na naman ba ko ng maskara para takpan ang tunay na nilalaman ng dibdib ko?
Hanggang kailan ko pa ‘to titiisin… Hanggang kailan ko pa ‘to patatagalin…
12:00 am
Pagdilat sa umaga, pagpikit sa gabi, patuloy kong winawari kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin. Susundin ko ba ang utak na gusto pang lumaban? o ang pusong ‘di na kaya ang sakit na nararanasan?
12:51 am
Sa gitna ng tahimik at mahimbing kong pag-idlip, may mahinang boses na tila bumubulong sa aking tainga. Sinasabing, “Hoy utak, mag-isip ka naman! Hahayaan mo na lang ba na parating mahirapan itong si Heather?”
Napabaling ako sa kabilang direksyon nang makarinig naman ako ng bagong bulong, “Ano sa tingin mong ginagawa ko, Puso? Pag-iisip ang tanging silbi ko sa mundo! Hindi ko naman ginustong mahirapan itong si Heather, kung alam mo lang paano ko tinatatak sa kaniyang isip ang mga rason….” unti-unting humina ang boses.
1:43 am
Sa paglalim ng gabi, pinipilit ko ang sarili na dalawin ng antok, ngunit hindi nakatutulong ang mga boses na ito. Muli, nakarinig na naman ako ng sagot, “Nasasaktan na siya! Hindi mo ba nakikita kung paano at kung gaano kalaki ang kaniyang pinagbago? Naalala mo ba noong napakasigla pa ni Heather?” tanong ng maliit na boses.
Napaisip ako sa kaniyang tanong. Isang alon ng kalungkutan ang biglang humampas sa akin nang bumalik sa akin lahat ng aming pinagsamahan. Malinaw pa ring nakapinta sa aking isipan ang imahe ng mga matatamis naming alaala. Kahit ang maliliit na detalye na dinagdag niya para muling magkakulay ang mundo ko tuwing ako’y nalulugmok, naaalala ko pa. Ang dugo’t pawis niyang paghihirap para maipakita sa aking pamilya na ako ang ‘painting’ na iingatan at aalagaan niya, naaalala ko pa. Ang mga pagkakamaling binago at binura niya, naaalala ko pa. Ang buong pagkatao niya, naaalala ko, at hindi ko na yata malilimutan pa.
“Kaya nga gusto ko pang kumapit, Puso. Sa lahat ng isinakripisyo niya para sa akin, hindi niya deserve masaktan. Ayokong bitawan na lang basta-basta kung anong mayroon kami dahil malayo na rin ang aming narating nang magkasama. Biruin mo, limang taon kaming nagmahalan at nagkapatawaran? Hindi, hindi ko ‘to maaaring sukuan. Hindi ganoon kadali iyon.”
Bahagya akong naluha. Klaro naman ang sinisigaw ng aking utak, nauunawaan ko ang mga dahilan nito, ngunit bakit ko pipilitin ang aking pusong lumaban pa kahit ayaw ko na?
3:07 am
Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Bawat segundo ng araw-araw, nakakaisip ako ng iba’t ibang dahilan-- mga panibagong rason para bumitaw na nang tuluyan, pati mga rason para patuloy pang lumaban. Sa pagbagsak ng aking luha, napaigting na naman ang aking pagkalito, ang aking pagtimbang sa dalawang desisyong parehong may kapalit. Ngayong nalulumbay, sumisikip lang lalo ang aking dibdib na para bang gusto nitong kumawala at ipaalala sa’kin na “Hindi marunong magsinungaling ang puso, Heather.”
Ngunit, sa bahagyang itaas, may biglang lumitaw na tanong sa aking isipan, “Mahal mo, hindi ba?”
Oo, mahal ko siya...
ngunit mas mahal ko ang sarili ko.
Tila ba lumiwanag ang aking madilim na silid. Luminaw ang nanlalabong isipan, gumaan ang mabigat na kalooban. Napagtanto ko na ang sagot sa aking katanungan. Bumangon ako sa pagkakahiga, pinunasan ang aking mga luha at huminga nang malalim. Kalmado kong kinuha ang selpon, binuksan muli ang kaniyang mensahe, at nag-type.
Lumipas na naman ang isang araw na hindi ako nagpakatotoo sa sarili ko, na hindi alam ni Andre ang tunay na nararamdaman ko.
Sa ilang taon na pinagsamahan namin na puno ng pag-asa, pangako, at pagmamahalan, mga aral na nagpatibay at bumuo sa aming pagkatao, mga pagsubok na magkasama naming nalagpasan at mga karanasang nagpatatag sa aming relasyon...
Sinong mag-aakalang unti-unti akong bibitaw?
Napakaramot ko, ano? Hindi ko man lang maamin sa kanya at sarili ko na hindi na kami — ay, ako lang pala — hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Hindi na ako yung Heather na gustong laging tinatawagan at kinukwentuhan tungkol sa kanyang lumipas na araw, na gustong sinusuyo matapos magtampo, na gusto siyang makasama saanman magpunta, na hinahanap-hanap ang piling niya.
Ngayon, para bang ayaw ko na. Bigla na lang napundi ang sparks naming dalawa. Napakasakit makita na ibinibigay nung tao ang buo niya sa’yo habang ‘di mo man lang maibalik kahit maliit na bahagi nito. Kung matindi ang sakit na dala nito sa akin, paano pa sa kanya? Paano pa siyang walang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin ako? Hindi ba’t karapat-dapat lamang na ipaglaban ko pa ito, para sa kaniya at para sa samahang aming nabuo? Hindi dapat si Andre ang sasalo ng sakit na dulot ng problemang pinapasan ko.
Ngunit, paano naman ako? Magsusuot na naman ba ko ng maskara para takpan ang tunay na nilalaman ng dibdib ko?
Hanggang kailan ko pa ‘to titiisin… Hanggang kailan ko pa ‘to patatagalin…
12:00 am
Pagdilat sa umaga, pagpikit sa gabi, patuloy kong winawari kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin. Susundin ko ba ang utak na gusto pang lumaban? o ang pusong ‘di na kaya ang sakit na nararanasan?
12:51 am
Sa gitna ng tahimik at mahimbing kong pag-idlip, may mahinang boses na tila bumubulong sa aking tainga. Sinasabing, “Hoy utak, mag-isip ka naman! Hahayaan mo na lang ba na parating mahirapan itong si Heather?”
Napabaling ako sa kabilang direksyon nang makarinig naman ako ng bagong bulong, “Ano sa tingin mong ginagawa ko, Puso? Pag-iisip ang tanging silbi ko sa mundo! Hindi ko naman ginustong mahirapan itong si Heather, kung alam mo lang paano ko tinatatak sa kaniyang isip ang mga rason….” unti-unting humina ang boses.
1:43 am
Sa paglalim ng gabi, pinipilit ko ang sarili na dalawin ng antok, ngunit hindi nakatutulong ang mga boses na ito. Muli, nakarinig na naman ako ng sagot, “Nasasaktan na siya! Hindi mo ba nakikita kung paano at kung gaano kalaki ang kaniyang pinagbago? Naalala mo ba noong napakasigla pa ni Heather?” tanong ng maliit na boses.
Napaisip ako sa kaniyang tanong. Isang alon ng kalungkutan ang biglang humampas sa akin nang bumalik sa akin lahat ng aming pinagsamahan. Malinaw pa ring nakapinta sa aking isipan ang imahe ng mga matatamis naming alaala. Kahit ang maliliit na detalye na dinagdag niya para muling magkakulay ang mundo ko tuwing ako’y nalulugmok, naaalala ko pa. Ang dugo’t pawis niyang paghihirap para maipakita sa aking pamilya na ako ang ‘painting’ na iingatan at aalagaan niya, naaalala ko pa. Ang mga pagkakamaling binago at binura niya, naaalala ko pa. Ang buong pagkatao niya, naaalala ko, at hindi ko na yata malilimutan pa.
“Kaya nga gusto ko pang kumapit, Puso. Sa lahat ng isinakripisyo niya para sa akin, hindi niya deserve masaktan. Ayokong bitawan na lang basta-basta kung anong mayroon kami dahil malayo na rin ang aming narating nang magkasama. Biruin mo, limang taon kaming nagmahalan at nagkapatawaran? Hindi, hindi ko ‘to maaaring sukuan. Hindi ganoon kadali iyon.”
Bahagya akong naluha. Klaro naman ang sinisigaw ng aking utak, nauunawaan ko ang mga dahilan nito, ngunit bakit ko pipilitin ang aking pusong lumaban pa kahit ayaw ko na?
3:07 am
Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Bawat segundo ng araw-araw, nakakaisip ako ng iba’t ibang dahilan-- mga panibagong rason para bumitaw na nang tuluyan, pati mga rason para patuloy pang lumaban. Sa pagbagsak ng aking luha, napaigting na naman ang aking pagkalito, ang aking pagtimbang sa dalawang desisyong parehong may kapalit. Ngayong nalulumbay, sumisikip lang lalo ang aking dibdib na para bang gusto nitong kumawala at ipaalala sa’kin na “Hindi marunong magsinungaling ang puso, Heather.”
Ngunit, sa bahagyang itaas, may biglang lumitaw na tanong sa aking isipan, “Mahal mo, hindi ba?”
Oo, mahal ko siya...
ngunit mas mahal ko ang sarili ko.
Tila ba lumiwanag ang aking madilim na silid. Luminaw ang nanlalabong isipan, gumaan ang mabigat na kalooban. Napagtanto ko na ang sagot sa aking katanungan. Bumangon ako sa pagkakahiga, pinunasan ang aking mga luha at huminga nang malalim. Kalmado kong kinuha ang selpon, binuksan muli ang kaniyang mensahe, at nag-type.
“Andre, may kailangan akong sabihin.”
Sent 5:55 am
ah ok,
Scroll, scroll, scroll
Mapupudpod na ang daliri,
Napatigil nang tumapat sa’yong ngiti,
Sa ganda mo ay nabighani,
Ika’y nasa baba ng People you may know,
Parang mas bagay ang People I need to know?
YOLO ika nga nila,
Friend request ay agad na ipinadala,
Wala pang isang minuto, tinanggap mo na,
Naririnig ko tuloy ang kanta nina Taylor at Ed,
Everything has changed.
Ngunit, paano ko naman ‘to sisimulan?
Dala-dala’y buslo, sisidlan ng bunga,
Kinilig, kinabahan, pinag-isipan
Sa “ay-napindot” ko na lang ba idaraan?
Bahala na nga si Batman!
Nagpadala ng “aksidenteng” like
Kasabay nito ang mensaheng,
“Ay sorry, napindot haha.”
“Okay lang iyon!” ang tugon mo.
Tumibok nang napakabilis ang puso
Parang ginanahan akong maglinis ng kuwarto,
Nagpakilala ako’t ganoon din ikaw
At dito na nagsimulang maglayag
Ang barko ng pag-ibig ko sa’yo.
Pagdating sa dulo, nabali ang sanga,
Araw-araw ang ating usapan
Hanggang ika’y makatulog at hindi na ako ma-replayan.
Hihintayin ko ang iyong muling paggising
Upang masabi ko na ang aking linyang, “Hello, good morning!”
Maya-maya tumunog ang cellphone ko, nagulat ako sa mensahe mo
“Uy, may sasabihin ako sayo.”
“Oh ano iyon?” ang sabi ko
Panginoon ito na ba? Magkaka-jowa na ba ako?
Tumunog muli ang cellphone ko,
“Sorry hindi na tayo pwede mag-usap
Magmamadre ako at papasok na ako sa kumbento bukas
Ipagdadasal na lang kita, salamat sa lahat.”
Kapos kapalaran, humanap ng iba,
Ah, magmamadre pala siya
Hindi ko naisip, hindi ko inakala.
Matagal akong natulala
At ang tanging tugon ko sa kaniya,
“Salamat din sa lahat,
Ipinauubaya na kita sa Kanya.”
Scroll, scroll, scroll na lang muli
Hanggang sa mapudpod ang daliri,
Swipe left at swipe right sa iba’t ibang dating apps
Ngunit wala akong magustuhang iba
Kumusta na kaya siya?
Literary: Leron, Leron Sinta
Leron, leron sinta, buko ng Papaya,
Scroll, scroll, scroll
Mapupudpod na ang daliri,
Napatigil nang tumapat sa’yong ngiti,
Sa ganda mo ay nabighani,
Ika’y nasa baba ng People you may know,
Parang mas bagay ang People I need to know?
YOLO ika nga nila,
Friend request ay agad na ipinadala,
Wala pang isang minuto, tinanggap mo na,
Naririnig ko tuloy ang kanta nina Taylor at Ed,
Everything has changed.
Ngunit, paano ko naman ‘to sisimulan?
Dala-dala’y buslo, sisidlan ng bunga,
Kinilig, kinabahan, pinag-isipan
Sa “ay-napindot” ko na lang ba idaraan?
Bahala na nga si Batman!
Nagpadala ng “aksidenteng” like
Kasabay nito ang mensaheng,
“Ay sorry, napindot haha.”
“Okay lang iyon!” ang tugon mo.
Tumibok nang napakabilis ang puso
Parang ginanahan akong maglinis ng kuwarto,
Nagpakilala ako’t ganoon din ikaw
At dito na nagsimulang maglayag
Ang barko ng pag-ibig ko sa’yo.
Pagdating sa dulo, nabali ang sanga,
Araw-araw ang ating usapan
Hanggang ika’y makatulog at hindi na ako ma-replayan.
Hihintayin ko ang iyong muling paggising
Upang masabi ko na ang aking linyang, “Hello, good morning!”
Maya-maya tumunog ang cellphone ko, nagulat ako sa mensahe mo
“Uy, may sasabihin ako sayo.”
“Oh ano iyon?” ang sabi ko
Panginoon ito na ba? Magkaka-jowa na ba ako?
Tumunog muli ang cellphone ko,
“Sorry hindi na tayo pwede mag-usap
Magmamadre ako at papasok na ako sa kumbento bukas
Ipagdadasal na lang kita, salamat sa lahat.”
Kapos kapalaran, humanap ng iba,
Ah, magmamadre pala siya
Hindi ko naisip, hindi ko inakala.
Matagal akong natulala
At ang tanging tugon ko sa kaniya,
“Salamat din sa lahat,
Ipinauubaya na kita sa Kanya.”
Scroll, scroll, scroll na lang muli
Hanggang sa mapudpod ang daliri,
Swipe left at swipe right sa iba’t ibang dating apps
Ngunit wala akong magustuhang iba
Kumusta na kaya siya?
deobi,
‘Di ako sang-ayon sa Itchyworms
Dahil ako, gusto ko nang tumanda
Pakiramdam ko bibigay na ang mga tenga ko,
Bugbog na sa walang humpay na utos at paalala
Nais ko nang lumipad palayo sa pugad
At magdesisyon na walang sumasalungat,
Kaya Jugs, pasensya ka na pero ako,
Gusto ko nang tumanda
“Batang-bata ka pa…”
Kumain daw ako ng gulay
kasi pampahaba daw ito ng buhay
Kaya ‘wag daw akong pasaway
Kahit na ako’y umay na umay
Likod kong pawis na malagkit
Tinutok sa electric fan
Nanay ko’y nagalit
Literary: Soundtrack ng buhay ko
"Kalendaryo ay gusto mong iatras..."
Dahil ako, gusto ko nang tumanda
Pakiramdam ko bibigay na ang mga tenga ko,
Bugbog na sa walang humpay na utos at paalala
Nais ko nang lumipad palayo sa pugad
At magdesisyon na walang sumasalungat,
Kaya Jugs, pasensya ka na pero ako,
Gusto ko nang tumanda
“Batang-bata ka pa…”
Kumain daw ako ng gulay
kasi pampahaba daw ito ng buhay
Kaya ‘wag daw akong pasaway
Kahit na ako’y umay na umay
Likod kong pawis na malagkit
Tinutok sa electric fan
Nanay ko’y nagalit
“Gusto mo bang magkasakit?”
Dadalhin ako sa nakahandang hapag
Papipiliin kung Milo ba o gatas
Paaalalahanan akong bilisang ngumuya at huwag tumunganga
“Baka naman kahit online class ma-late ka pa,” pangangantiyaw niya
Dahil sa dami ng paalala
Parang gusto ko nang tumanda
at mabuhay mag-isa
Para wala nang problemahin pa
“High school life oh my high school life…”
Bago umuwi si Inay dapat malinis na ang bahay
Dapat nakapagwalis na
at nakasaing pa
Kundi high blood na naman siya
Utos ni Inay na walang kapantay
“Kunin mo yon, hugasan mo yan!”
Sabay sabing “Ma, mamaya na!”
Lagi mong ayusin ang ayong tinulugan
Kunin mo ang iyong damit at isampay
Papipiliin kung Milo ba o gatas
Paaalalahanan akong bilisang ngumuya at huwag tumunganga
“Baka naman kahit online class ma-late ka pa,” pangangantiyaw niya
Dahil sa dami ng paalala
Parang gusto ko nang tumanda
at mabuhay mag-isa
Para wala nang problemahin pa
“High school life oh my high school life…”
Bago umuwi si Inay dapat malinis na ang bahay
Dapat nakapagwalis na
at nakasaing pa
Kundi high blood na naman siya
Utos ni Inay na walang kapantay
“Kunin mo yon, hugasan mo yan!”
Sabay sabing “Ma, mamaya na!”
Lagi mong ayusin ang ayong tinulugan
Kunin mo ang iyong damit at isampay
Nang tumibok ang aking puso
nagalit si Inay at ako’y pinalo
Pinaalalahanan niya ako
“Di ba sabi ko pagkatapos na sa kolehiyo”
Wala pang diplomang naiuuwi
Ngunit utos niya’y isinantabi
Pero imbis na siya’y magalit, niyakap ako buong gabi
Nang puso ay wasakin ni Javi
Sa dami ng utos at panuntunan,
Parang gusto ko nang tumanda
At mabuhay mag-isa
Para wala nang problemahin pa
“Umuwi ka na baby…”
Sa araw ng pagtatapos naghanda na muling magsimula,
Naghihintay pa ng mga email, baka may hahabol pa
Ting! Tumunog ang telepono, “Mama!”
Dali-daling kinuha ang laptop at nagsiksikan sa isang upuan dahil sa kaba
Nang puso ni ina’y kumalma,
Nagsimula na kaming magbasa
“Congratulations, welcome to…”
Hindi na natapos basahin ang liham
Dahil sa kakatalon, kahihiyaw, at ‘di maubos-ubos na luha
Naghanap na kaagad ng malilipatan,
Sunod-sunod na crash course tungkol sa kuryente, tubig
at paghingi ng tawad sa pamilihan,
Inabutan ako ng pera para sa upa at mahigpit na niyakap
Pagkatapak sa bagong bahay, ako’y biglang natauhan
Lilipas ang mga araw na walang kasama,
Babalutin ng katahimikan pati ang aking umaga
Sapagkat ang ibo’y lumipad na mula sa pugad,
Ang dating pinakaaasam, nagiging bangungot nang nais takasan
“Ayokong tumanda…”
Sigurado na ba akong gusto kong tumanda?
Pakiramdam ko’y gusto ko pa ring maging bata
Dahil sa aruga ng aking ina
na hinding hindi mapapantayan ng iba
Lubos ko nang naintindihan
ang mga payo at bilin ni Inay
dahil bandang huli hinahanap-hanap
ko ang mainit niyang yakap
Hindi na ako naniniwala sa Itchyworms
Na gusto ko nang tumanda
Mas naniniwala na ako sa kanta ni Daniel Padilla
na gusto ko na siyang kasamang tumanda.
nagalit si Inay at ako’y pinalo
Pinaalalahanan niya ako
“Di ba sabi ko pagkatapos na sa kolehiyo”
Wala pang diplomang naiuuwi
Ngunit utos niya’y isinantabi
Pero imbis na siya’y magalit, niyakap ako buong gabi
Nang puso ay wasakin ni Javi
Sa dami ng utos at panuntunan,
Parang gusto ko nang tumanda
At mabuhay mag-isa
Para wala nang problemahin pa
“Umuwi ka na baby…”
Sa araw ng pagtatapos naghanda na muling magsimula,
Naghihintay pa ng mga email, baka may hahabol pa
Ting! Tumunog ang telepono, “Mama!”
Dali-daling kinuha ang laptop at nagsiksikan sa isang upuan dahil sa kaba
Nang puso ni ina’y kumalma,
Nagsimula na kaming magbasa
“Congratulations, welcome to…”
Hindi na natapos basahin ang liham
Dahil sa kakatalon, kahihiyaw, at ‘di maubos-ubos na luha
Naghanap na kaagad ng malilipatan,
Sunod-sunod na crash course tungkol sa kuryente, tubig
at paghingi ng tawad sa pamilihan,
Inabutan ako ng pera para sa upa at mahigpit na niyakap
Pagkatapak sa bagong bahay, ako’y biglang natauhan
Lilipas ang mga araw na walang kasama,
Babalutin ng katahimikan pati ang aking umaga
Sapagkat ang ibo’y lumipad na mula sa pugad,
Ang dating pinakaaasam, nagiging bangungot nang nais takasan
“Ayokong tumanda…”
Sigurado na ba akong gusto kong tumanda?
Pakiramdam ko’y gusto ko pa ring maging bata
Dahil sa aruga ng aking ina
na hinding hindi mapapantayan ng iba
Lubos ko nang naintindihan
ang mga payo at bilin ni Inay
dahil bandang huli hinahanap-hanap
ko ang mainit niyang yakap
Hindi na ako naniniwala sa Itchyworms
Na gusto ko nang tumanda
Mas naniniwala na ako sa kanta ni Daniel Padilla
na gusto ko na siyang kasamang tumanda.
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