english,
Literary: 831
“Why are you holding me like this?”
That’s probably one of the easiest questions you’ve asked me by far, and you ask a lot. The answer, or maybe answers, are practically engraved onto my heart and mind. Yet it’s so hard to answer, because telling you one reason isn’t enough, but if I tell you everything it’s too much. Perhaps it’s because you’re adorable? Because I don’t want you to leave and to be apart from you? Because I can’t get enough of you? Maybe because I know it’s not always I get to do this? There’s also the fact that I just love holding you. It’s also because I want to keep you safe, away from the hurt the world will undoubtedly give you. There’s also the fact that I feel so whole with you so close, the feelings I feel so hard to put into words. So for now, questions will be my answer: “Hmm? Why not? Don’t you like it when I do?”
“I do... But why are you holding me like this? Why now?”
By now I shouldn’t be surprised that you asked, these questions are practically a regular thing, yet they never fail to catch me off guard, to make me want to lie just to avoid that look in your eyes that tells me you’re unsure of what we’re trying to build together now. Despite this, I take a deep breath and prepare myself to be brought back to that fateful day as I say, “Because I wasn’t in love with you then.”
**** eight hundred thirty-one days ago ****
Today is my day. There’s no particular event to celebrate, and truthfully nothing big is set to happen, but I just know that today is my day. I woke up early feeling well rested, I had a full breakfast without rushing to eat, and I drove to school without getting stuck in traffic. That has got to be the definition of a perfect morning. So as I enter the classroom with a spring in my step, I look for you just like I always do. “Hey, bud,” comes my usual greeting and when I see the big smile on your face as you greet me back, I just know today is my day.
The morning went by as well as it possibly could. Our teachers all seemed to be in a good mood, our activities all seemed so easy, and we even got assigned as project partners. Now it’s lunch and I can’t seem to find you, so I head out of the classroom to try looking for you. As I turn the corner to head to the stairs, I feel familiar arms wrap around me.
“Hey, I was looking for you,” I said as I turned to look at your face.
You have a big smile on your face as you tell me “Yeah, I went to the canteen to buy your favorite. You know how fast those run out.”
You handed me the snack, never letting go of me completely. “Thanks, dork” I said with a ruffle to your hair.
“C’mon, let’s go eat our lunch,” you said, dragging me back to our classroom.
Lunch passed as usual, sharing the jokes we heard from our seatmates this morning and you practically feeding me all your food. It was good, with you it always seemed good.
Now as I walk with you to our usual bench after classes, I think about what to talk to you about. Maybe the lunch your mom made? How about the person you told me you found attractive that one time? Oh, I got it.
“Hey, bud… It’s Valentine’s next week. You got any plans?”
You look at me with an odd look on your face, I can’t quite tell just what it means though. “You mean, apart from the ones with my family?” and I replied with a hum of confirmation. “Not really, I mean, do I look like I’m dating someone?” you continued, and we shared a laugh at that, knowing we were both painfully single.
“Hey, I have a question.” You look at me expectantly, and despite the weird feeling in my gut, I continued.
“Have you ever thought about love? Not puppy love, we’re all past that already. The love that makes you think ‘hey, maybe this person is my person to take care of’. The kind that makes you miss the person despite just separating? I just thought that since we’re graduating, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try and get serious with someone, ya know?”
My questions were met with silence. Not the comfortable kind that we always have, the very heavy loaded kind, and I don’t understand why. We’ve always talked about the most random things, this shouldn’t be any different.
“You really are so stupidly dense.” You turn to look at me with the nastiest look I have ever seen come from you. “Love? You wanna talk about love? Sure, let’s talk. Let’s talk about how painfully obvious it is that you have my heart and every single day you make it as painfully obvious that I don’t have yours,” you say as you push your finger into my shoulder. “Let’s talk about how I go out of my way every single day for you. How I stay up on nights you can’t sleep despite the fact that I’m tired, just because you want to talk. How I study in advance even though I don’t want to, just because you want someone to double check what you know for our recitations. How I sit through every single conversation about that new person you find attractive or that attractive stranger at the mall, even though it hurts so, so much knowing you don’t see me like that. You still wanna talk about love? Huh?“
As I try to find the words to say, you take my silence as an answer. “Nice talking,” you say as you wipe the tears that have fallen from your sad eyes and turn away. At this moment, I feel as if time stops. I’ve never really thought about you that way, you’re my best friend after all. But I think back to all the times we’ve changed our plans just to accommodate one another. How I always feel the need to check on you. How after all these years I still love learning new things about you. How maybe all along, we were bound to fall in love with each other. Oh crap, I’m not sure anymore, about how I feel, about what to do, about anything! But I do know that if I don’t follow you now, I could lose you, and I don’t know if I’m willing to take that chance. So as everything starts back up, and I consider everything I’ve thought about in these past thirty seconds, I take a deep breath and chase after you.
*****
And as the memories of that day all float away, I finally find the courage to say, “Because I didn’t love you then.” Just as that look starts appearing on your face, I continue. “But I love you now, more than my words can explain, possibly even more than I could ever love someone,” I say with as much of my heart as I can, gently stroking away the tears falling from your eyes.
“I knew I was going to tell you today, but this isn’t how I planned it would go,” I pause, taking a deep breath. “I know I’ve hurt you before, and I will never stop feeling sorry for how insensitive I was, but I need you to know that I may not have been in love with you then, but I know that I was already falling. Do you remember the day you told me you love me? How it took me a while to chase after you?” I asked, and you nodded your head. “It was that moment that I realized how much I’m willing to do for you. I realized how frequently I talked to you, how I always wanted to hear your voice, how I love to learn the little things about you, how I wanted to hear you talk about your day, how much money I’m willing to spend on your favorite ice cream because I love seeing you scrunch your nose when you take a bite, and how I just want to be with you. I realized that I couldn’t see a day in my life, a day in my future, without you. I chased after you because I knew that if I let you walk away, you weren’t going to be my person anymore, and I just couldn’t let go of the best thing that the Heavens has ever given me.”
“So yes, I didn’t love you then. But I’ve known I was falling in love with you for eight hundred thirty-one days now, and I continue to fall in love with you every single day. In the time I’ve spent learning about you, I haven’t found anything I don’t love. So please, believe me when I say I am so in love with you. I see my future with you, I see a cute little wedding, a house, maybe a few little mes and yous? A dog or two? I don’t really know, but I can’t imagine a version of my future without you in it.”
Silence envelopes us after I finish what I have to say. Your eyes clear up, and finally for the first time in the past ten minutes, you look into my eyes. “Eight hundred thirty-one means ‘I love you’,” you say and I am once again left dumbfounded by the words that come out of your mouth.
“That’s really all you got from everything I said?” I asked, trying to stifle my laughter. At this, a burst of laughter escapes your lips, your eyes twinkling with happiness as you nod your head sheepishly at my question.
I know it’s hard to take away the pain, but the look in your eyes now tells me that you’re starting to believe in the words I say. With this, I know we’ll be okay and that tomorrow is the start of forever.
That’s probably one of the easiest questions you’ve asked me by far, and you ask a lot. The answer, or maybe answers, are practically engraved onto my heart and mind. Yet it’s so hard to answer, because telling you one reason isn’t enough, but if I tell you everything it’s too much. Perhaps it’s because you’re adorable? Because I don’t want you to leave and to be apart from you? Because I can’t get enough of you? Maybe because I know it’s not always I get to do this? There’s also the fact that I just love holding you. It’s also because I want to keep you safe, away from the hurt the world will undoubtedly give you. There’s also the fact that I feel so whole with you so close, the feelings I feel so hard to put into words. So for now, questions will be my answer: “Hmm? Why not? Don’t you like it when I do?”
“I do... But why are you holding me like this? Why now?”
By now I shouldn’t be surprised that you asked, these questions are practically a regular thing, yet they never fail to catch me off guard, to make me want to lie just to avoid that look in your eyes that tells me you’re unsure of what we’re trying to build together now. Despite this, I take a deep breath and prepare myself to be brought back to that fateful day as I say, “Because I wasn’t in love with you then.”
**** eight hundred thirty-one days ago ****
Today is my day. There’s no particular event to celebrate, and truthfully nothing big is set to happen, but I just know that today is my day. I woke up early feeling well rested, I had a full breakfast without rushing to eat, and I drove to school without getting stuck in traffic. That has got to be the definition of a perfect morning. So as I enter the classroom with a spring in my step, I look for you just like I always do. “Hey, bud,” comes my usual greeting and when I see the big smile on your face as you greet me back, I just know today is my day.
The morning went by as well as it possibly could. Our teachers all seemed to be in a good mood, our activities all seemed so easy, and we even got assigned as project partners. Now it’s lunch and I can’t seem to find you, so I head out of the classroom to try looking for you. As I turn the corner to head to the stairs, I feel familiar arms wrap around me.
“Hey, I was looking for you,” I said as I turned to look at your face.
You have a big smile on your face as you tell me “Yeah, I went to the canteen to buy your favorite. You know how fast those run out.”
You handed me the snack, never letting go of me completely. “Thanks, dork” I said with a ruffle to your hair.
“C’mon, let’s go eat our lunch,” you said, dragging me back to our classroom.
Lunch passed as usual, sharing the jokes we heard from our seatmates this morning and you practically feeding me all your food. It was good, with you it always seemed good.
Now as I walk with you to our usual bench after classes, I think about what to talk to you about. Maybe the lunch your mom made? How about the person you told me you found attractive that one time? Oh, I got it.
“Hey, bud… It’s Valentine’s next week. You got any plans?”
You look at me with an odd look on your face, I can’t quite tell just what it means though. “You mean, apart from the ones with my family?” and I replied with a hum of confirmation. “Not really, I mean, do I look like I’m dating someone?” you continued, and we shared a laugh at that, knowing we were both painfully single.
“Hey, I have a question.” You look at me expectantly, and despite the weird feeling in my gut, I continued.
“Have you ever thought about love? Not puppy love, we’re all past that already. The love that makes you think ‘hey, maybe this person is my person to take care of’. The kind that makes you miss the person despite just separating? I just thought that since we’re graduating, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try and get serious with someone, ya know?”
My questions were met with silence. Not the comfortable kind that we always have, the very heavy loaded kind, and I don’t understand why. We’ve always talked about the most random things, this shouldn’t be any different.
“You really are so stupidly dense.” You turn to look at me with the nastiest look I have ever seen come from you. “Love? You wanna talk about love? Sure, let’s talk. Let’s talk about how painfully obvious it is that you have my heart and every single day you make it as painfully obvious that I don’t have yours,” you say as you push your finger into my shoulder. “Let’s talk about how I go out of my way every single day for you. How I stay up on nights you can’t sleep despite the fact that I’m tired, just because you want to talk. How I study in advance even though I don’t want to, just because you want someone to double check what you know for our recitations. How I sit through every single conversation about that new person you find attractive or that attractive stranger at the mall, even though it hurts so, so much knowing you don’t see me like that. You still wanna talk about love? Huh?“
As I try to find the words to say, you take my silence as an answer. “Nice talking,” you say as you wipe the tears that have fallen from your sad eyes and turn away. At this moment, I feel as if time stops. I’ve never really thought about you that way, you’re my best friend after all. But I think back to all the times we’ve changed our plans just to accommodate one another. How I always feel the need to check on you. How after all these years I still love learning new things about you. How maybe all along, we were bound to fall in love with each other. Oh crap, I’m not sure anymore, about how I feel, about what to do, about anything! But I do know that if I don’t follow you now, I could lose you, and I don’t know if I’m willing to take that chance. So as everything starts back up, and I consider everything I’ve thought about in these past thirty seconds, I take a deep breath and chase after you.
*****
And as the memories of that day all float away, I finally find the courage to say, “Because I didn’t love you then.” Just as that look starts appearing on your face, I continue. “But I love you now, more than my words can explain, possibly even more than I could ever love someone,” I say with as much of my heart as I can, gently stroking away the tears falling from your eyes.
“I knew I was going to tell you today, but this isn’t how I planned it would go,” I pause, taking a deep breath. “I know I’ve hurt you before, and I will never stop feeling sorry for how insensitive I was, but I need you to know that I may not have been in love with you then, but I know that I was already falling. Do you remember the day you told me you love me? How it took me a while to chase after you?” I asked, and you nodded your head. “It was that moment that I realized how much I’m willing to do for you. I realized how frequently I talked to you, how I always wanted to hear your voice, how I love to learn the little things about you, how I wanted to hear you talk about your day, how much money I’m willing to spend on your favorite ice cream because I love seeing you scrunch your nose when you take a bite, and how I just want to be with you. I realized that I couldn’t see a day in my life, a day in my future, without you. I chased after you because I knew that if I let you walk away, you weren’t going to be my person anymore, and I just couldn’t let go of the best thing that the Heavens has ever given me.”
“So yes, I didn’t love you then. But I’ve known I was falling in love with you for eight hundred thirty-one days now, and I continue to fall in love with you every single day. In the time I’ve spent learning about you, I haven’t found anything I don’t love. So please, believe me when I say I am so in love with you. I see my future with you, I see a cute little wedding, a house, maybe a few little mes and yous? A dog or two? I don’t really know, but I can’t imagine a version of my future without you in it.”
Silence envelopes us after I finish what I have to say. Your eyes clear up, and finally for the first time in the past ten minutes, you look into my eyes. “Eight hundred thirty-one means ‘I love you’,” you say and I am once again left dumbfounded by the words that come out of your mouth.
“That’s really all you got from everything I said?” I asked, trying to stifle my laughter. At this, a burst of laughter escapes your lips, your eyes twinkling with happiness as you nod your head sheepishly at my question.
I know it’s hard to take away the pain, but the look in your eyes now tells me that you’re starting to believe in the words I say. With this, I know we’ll be okay and that tomorrow is the start of forever.
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