daylight,
RAW
EDITED 1
Editor: The first line “I just take the risk” sounds off. Also, what do you mean by “because you don’t” in the last line? Because you don’t what? Why would the person you’re talking to take the risk with you? Also, is the title a typo? Should it be Confusion? Because it is very confusing. The message isn’t clear, not recommended.
REVISED 1
EDITED 2
REVISED 2
EDITED 3
Literary: Smooth Writer
Confishion
RAW
I just take the risk
to dive in the sea of love
lone, because you don't
EDITED 1
I just take the risk
to dive in the sea of love
lone, because you don't
Editor: The first line “I just take the risk” sounds off. Also, what do you mean by “because you don’t” in the last line? Because you don’t what? Why would the person you’re talking to take the risk with you? Also, is the title a typo? Should it be Confusion? Because it is very confusing. The message isn’t clear, not recommended.
REVISED 1
I just took the risk
to dive in the sea of love
lone, 'cause you didn't
Writer: I edited the haiku’s grammatical errors. The message of the haiku is “I took the risk and fall in love with you. But you didn’t reciprocate the feeling.” Because of the form, I limited its message. Therefore, the reason why “you” should take the risk will depend on the reader’s interpretation. Editor, as a reader, why should “you” take the risk with “me”? It is entitled “Confishion” to compare “me” to a fish who dives into the sea. Editor, I hope you can understand “my” message now.
EDITED 2
I just took the risk
to dive in the sea of love
lone, 'cause you didn't
Editor: Ah, I see what you mean. If that’s the case, then the title and the imagery makes sense. But the form does limit your message a bit. Why not add more haikus/stanzas to further illustrate your point? You expound on your message with more haikus.
REVISED 2
i just took thE risk
to DIve in The sea Of love
lone, 'cause you didn't
I’m heRe, stIlL waiting
Oh, this deep dark sea ViEw
so blue, withou YOU
Writer: I added another stanza for you to understand my message clearer. Though, I would like to leave, the reason why “you” should take the risk, still a mystery to the readers. So that “you” will be able to answer why should “you” take the risk with “me”?
EDITED 3
I just took thE risk
to DIve in The sea Of love
lone, 'cause you didn't
I’m heRe, stIlL waiting
Oh, this deep dark sea ViEw
so blue, without YOU
Editor: It’s good! Though I’m curious about why there are random capital letters. So the letters that look out of place are: E D I T O R I L O V E ah… uhh, wait... WAIT WHAT SKSKSKSKSKS
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