Dear ______,

    I’m writing this because I don’t know when the end is. I’m not scared of the end though, I accepted the fact that everyone or everything will end. But what makes me scared is us not knowing when it will happen. Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Or maybe next year? We don’t know—actually, nobody knows. One thing’s for sure, at this very moment, we’re alive and kicking. That’s why I’ve realized that I should try to do everything that I want, so I’ll not have any regrets later on.

    I greet the school’s security guard good morning every day. I also don’t forget to say goodbye after all of my classes. I always pay extra to the lady serving the food in the cafeteria for adding extra sauce on my lunch. I talk to the librarian every time I’m waiting at the library for my next class. It always amazes me how she loves to help students in need. That's why she chose to be a librarian despite her old age. I always talk to my teachers whenever I have spare time because I want to have a deeper connection with them. I want them to know that they can talk to me whenever they want to ease the stress that they feel from their work. I don’t want to regret anything later on. We don’t know if tomorrow will be our last day of going to school. Remember the time when the class was suspended because of a virus outbreak? It took months before everything went back to normal.

    I always listen to Joshua every time he complains about how many requirements he needs to face on the weekend. I always remind Claudia how she can lean on me anytime. I answer Nick’s calls every time he wants to have a drink and watch a movie. I always give advice to Hazel when she asks for it. I don’t want to regret anything later on. We don’t know if we’ll still meet tomorrow. I remember one time when I was a kid; I declined my childhood best friend because he wants us to play even though it’s late at night already. Guess what, the day after, he didn’t consider me as his best friend and found a new one. Maybe not all of our friends will stick with us until the end.

    I always chit chat with my sister about the last concert she went to. She always shares how she loves that boy band and how they will dominate the world. I always play with my brother. I’m always happy whenever we win in an apocalypse-themed game after helping him kill all the zombies coming for us. I always help my mom in carrying her plants back and forth for her to water it. I get soft listening to her talk eagerly about her growing plants. I always sit by my father’s side when he watches the NBA. I am left in awe seeing his enthusiasm for basketball. I don’t want to regret anything later on. I remembered the time when our family went on a vacation. After returning to the province, my grandfather suddenly died. Even though our family is always besides us, we cannot control time.

    I’m writing this because I don’t know when the end is. I’m writing this because I’m not sure if doing what I want every day is enough to let all of you know how I treasure and appreciate all of you. I’m writing this to tell that I will miss you all. I don’t want to regret anything later on. As this letter ends, I know someday the end will come for me, too, so I’ll just live every day like it’s the last. 

Love,

Me

at sinabing, "Agad ka sa aming kinuha, biglaan naman yata...”

Nine, ten, eleven.
Twelve strikes I perform unfeelingly
Twelve dreams of people I’ve never met
drowned by crimson tides mercilessly.

I see their faces in every stranger,
they wander into my sleep.
They call upon me to come and join them
with the sorrowful howls they weep.

Every night, I wake with sweat upon my furrow,
from my mouth, a cacophony of their screams combined.
Eyes pierce through me in the veil of darkness,
condemning me for leaving their bodies behind.

For so long, I have been a prisoner,
a captive to this sordid life.
My stomach’s rumblings are quieted
as long as I hold gun and knife.

The man I serve smiles broadly,
A life lost is his precious gain.
What a fool I have been to think
that I’d be spared from his cruel game.

There are so many different ways to die.

To me however, they can be categorized into three types.

First, the fast and sudden death. The kind that hits you out of nowhere, tripping you by the ankles and slamming you against the ground. It pulls you out from under your feet, leaving you too shocked to fully comprehend the weight of how hard you’ve been hit.

It was a freak accident that took her away. A ball going just the right speed, with our little girl on the swing at just the right peak. 

My outstretched hands were inches away from her cracked skull on the park pavement. Just a millisecond too late. 

Second come the slow deaths. The kind everyone secretly dreads from the bottom of their hearts. The one that rips you apart day by day, and you can only watch helplessly as they wither away. 

That’s how my wife went, a 9 month long battle with stage 4 kidney cancer. Those 9 months of heartache felt like the equivalent of the 30 years we’d been together. 

And then there are the worst kinds of deaths, the sudden slow death. The double whammy, the two-for-two, and the one no one is ever truly prepared to accept. 

We’ve all seen reports like it. People slowly burning to a crisp, in a house fire caused by a careless neighbor, unable to be reached by firefighters because the fire was just a little bit too hot to get near. People wasting away for weeks in a too-small cave, all because they missed their footing by a millimeter. People holding their breaths in anxiety as the man with a gun shoots his way down the hallway, all because they just happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

You get the idea.

The frustration of knowing that their death was caused by something so unpredictable, and the anger of knowing that they didn’t even get the privilege of a swift passing, makes the fact that they’re gone all the more unacceptable. 

Sadly, it’s a reality that those unfortunate among us have to face.

And a fate I have to accept as I plummet down from the 44th floor of my office building.

These are my final thoughts as I make my descent. About how unfair death is to take people so soon. About how unfair I am to them, for being able to choose how I go while they had no choice in the matter.

And that the only way to truly honor their deaths is to keep living, and embrace death when he finally comes. 

But it is too late, for I am a selfish man, cheating death of its rules.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, may isang lawa at isang babae. Nagwawalis siya sa gilid habang hinuhuni ang himig na inaawit dati ng kanyang ina. Tumigil siyang saglit, tumingin sa langit, bumuntong-hininga. Kasinliwanag ng kanyang mukha ang umaga. Kumikinang ang kanyang mga mata sa ilalim ng sinag ng araw. Nakaputing bestidang pinalamutian ng perlas na kuwintas sa leeg.

Luntian, dilaw, pula, mga kulay ng mga dahong winawalis niya, mula sa mga punong mayayabong sa paligid ng lawang may malinis at malinaw na tubig.

Pagkatapos magwalis ay didiretso sa kusina. Magluluto, ibubuhos ang buong puso sa palayok. Sasalubungin siya ng kanyang irog, may dalang rosas na mga bulaklak. Ngingiti, titingin sa mga paa, sinusubukang itago ang nagkulay-rosas niyang mga pisngi. Babalik sa kalan at ihahain sa kanyang kasintahan ang putaheng kanyang pinaghandaan.

Sa aming tahanan, sumilip ako sa bintana, at natagpuan ko sila. Nagtatampisaw sa lawa, nagbabasaan, nagtatawanan, na parang walang ibang nakakakita sa kanila. Maya-maya'y tumigil sila, at natagpuan ko sila, nagsasayaw. Hawak ng ginoo ang kamay ng binibini, hinalikan bago ipatong sa kanyang dibdib. Sabay silang umiindayog, sumasabay, sa ritmo ng kantang hinuhuni ng binibini.

Sa aming tahanan, sumilip ako sa bintana, at doon ko nakita. Dalawang taong nababalot ng pagmamahal, at ligaya, dalawang taong walang kinatatakutan.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, may isang lawa. Maganda ang sinag ng araw, nagbibigay liwanag, nagbibigay pag-asa. Sa gilid ako nagwawalis, ng mga dahong nalaglag galing sa mayayabong na puno. Hinuhuni ang awit na hinuhuni rin ni Nanay. Titingin sa langit, bubuntong-hininga.

Paglipas ng oras, pagtirik ng araw, tanghalian na. Papasok siya sa kusina, dala-dala ang pumpon ng mga rosas na bulaklak na paniguradong pinag-ipunan niya. Ngingiti, titingin sa mga paa, sinusubukang itago ang nagkulay-rosas kong mga pisngi. Babalik sa kalan, mas lalawak ang ngiti sa aking pagtalikod, at saka ihahain ang putaheng kanina ko pa pinaghandaan.

Sa lawa, doon kami nangingisda, maya-maya, hindi ko namalayang unti-unti na niya ako binabasa. Sinubukang sumalok ng tubig at ibinato ito sa kanya, hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming nagtampisaw, sa mainit-init na tubig ng lawa.

Inabot niya ang aking kamay, marahang hinalikan, at inilagay sa kanyang dibdib. Tumingin sa kanyang mga mata, tila ba nalulunod ako. Bumuntong-hininga. Wala na akong hihilingin pa. Ngumiti ako sa kabila ng luhang nagbabadya, humuni ako upang pigilan ang luha, at dahan-dahan niya akong inianod, sa ritmo ng kanta.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, may isang lawa at isang babae. Tumititig sa langit, pinupunasan ang luha. Bumuntong-hininga. Pumasok sa bahay, dumiretso sa silid, at sinalubong ng namumugto niyang mga mata, ang mga pagod na mata ng irog niyang nakahiga, maputla, at nangangayayat na.

Sinubuan ng sopas, hawak na ang kutsara, nginitian siya ng kanyang irog, ngumiti rin siya sa kabila ng luhang nagbabadya. Gamit ang buo niyang lakas, tumayo ang binata, inabot ang parehong kamay ng binibini. Mahigpit itong hinawakan, matagal itong hinalikan. Pumikit ang babae, hindi na napigilan ang luha. Inilagay niya ang kanyang kamay sa dibdib ng kanyang irog, sa kabila ng luha, humuni siya, at sabay silang nawala, sa tunog, sabay nawala, sa ritmo ng kanta.

Sa aming mumunting tahanan, doon ko nakita. Dalawang taong nababalot ng pagmamahal, sa kabila ng lungkot, dilim, at sakit. Dalawang taong walang kinatatakutan, kundi ang mawalay sa isa’t isa.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, sa tapat ng lawa, nakatitig ako sa kalangitan. Nag-aagawan ang araw at buwan, liwanag at dilim. Pinunasan ko ang aking luha, kung pwede lamang sana akong humiling.

Dumiretso sa kwarto, sinalubong ng namumugto kong mga mata, ang mga pagod na mata ng irog kong nakahiga, maputla, at nangangayayat na. Sinubuan ng sopas, hawak na ang kutsara, nginitian niya ako, nginitian ko siya sa kabila ng luhang nagbabadya.

Gamit ang buo niyang lakas, tumayo siya. Inabot niya ang pareho kong kamay. Mahigpit itong hinawakan, matagal itong hinalikan. Pumikit ako, hindi na napigilan ang luha. Inilagay ko ang aking mga kamay sa dibdib ng aking irog. Itinikom ko ang aking bibig, pinigilan ang hikbi. Sa kabila ng luha, humuni ako, hinuni ang awit na hinuhuni rin ni Nanay, bago siya sumakabilang-buhay.

Dahan-dahan niya akong isinayaw, at sa huling pagkakataon, gamit ang buo niyang lakas, sabay kaming pumikit, sabay kaming nagpadala, nagpaanod, sa ritmo ng kanta.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, may isang lawa at babaeng mag-isa. Tumakbo siya papalapit sa tubig, sumigaw. Sumigaw sa tubig, sinigawan ang langit. Puno ng sakit, luksa, luha. Lumuhod sa malamig na tubig, sa lawang nangingitim sa gitna ng mga punong naglalagas. Sumigaw muli. Umiyak. Nang umiyak. Nang umiyak. Hanggang naubusan ng boses, naubusan ng luha.

Sa tapat ng aming mumunting tahanan, sa pagsilip ko sa bintana, doon ko nakita. Naroon pa rin siya, ang babaeng mag-isa. Isang babaeng malungkot, isang babaeng nagluluksa. Isang babaeng wala nang kinakatakutan, kahit pa kamatayan.

Ihiniga ko na siya, pagkatapos niya akong isayaw. Tinitigan niya ako, buong puso, ngumiti siya. Hinawakan ang aking kamay at bumulong ng “Mahal kita”.

Kinumutan ko siya sa kanyang pagtulog, hawak ko pa rin ang kamay niya, humagulgol. Umiyak. Nang umiyak. Nang umiyak.

Tumakbo ako papalabas ng aming mumunting bahay. Dumiretso sa lawa. Sumigaw. Sa tubig, sa langit. Isinisi sa kalangitan ang lahat-lahat nang binawi niya sa akin. Lumuhod ako sa tubig, humagulgol. Hinayaang dalhin, anurin ng tubig ang aking sakit, luha, at pagluluksa.

Y u have to list n to me! St y at home and

can el your sched le for this day!!

You’ e going to !

Please list n to me! D n’t ignore this me sage!

I hate y u! who is th s btw??

Please l sten to me! St y at the shop until

midni ght before going hom !

L sten to me or you’ll d !

PLEASE L STEN TO ME!

YOU HAVE TO UND RSTAND

THAT TH S IS NOT A J KE!

LEAVE ME AL NE!

H w did you get my n mber!?

WHO THE HECK IS TH S!

Y U’RE GO NG TO DIE!!

YOU W LL BE HIT BY A CAR GO NG H ME

AND YOU H VE TO STAY AT THE SH P!

L STEN TO ME PLEA E! I DON’T

WANT ME TO DIE! -GABRIEL

It was lonely inside the cold, abandoned room. I was sitting on an old hospital bed, the mattress scratched and half-burned. I hugged my knees tightly as the memories of my past life played in my mind.

Most of it is the memory of holding my wife Luella in my arms, which seemed a long time ago. I embraced my arms into myself, and instead of warmth, I felt coldness and emptiness. Both of which are painful for me, for it reminded me of the remaining days in my life.

“How many days are left?” my friend asked me.

My hands were clenched, and I cannot move. That question always haunted me every night, not knowing whether I would make it or not. Turning back to him, I said “I only have sixty days left–,“ I paused, not sure of what to say next. He looked at me awfully.

“Are you sure you’re not going to tell her about it?” he said, rising from the bench. “She must be looking for you right now.”

“At least there is someone she could still look for,” I sighed.

I opened my eyes, and I was back again. Except for the bloodied woman who has been looking at me the whole time, I was alone. Both in my heart and in my soul. I toyed with my hospital gown, the thing that didn’t come off after I died. The woman looked at me in sadness and left, perhaps tired of this sight of me mourning for my wife.

Then again, came the memories of what happened in the last sixty days in my life. I buried my head into my knees.

“No!” Luella gasped, bursting into tears. I could remember well how she looked that night. Her cheeks were red and her skin turned paler than before. Her brown hair, long and wavy, were untied. She was dressed in her favorite night dress, a long white gown embroidered with yellow flowers, a gift from me for our first honeymoon. Even if she looked worried and tired, she still looked beautiful. I wondered how she did that.

She sobbed. I tried to comfort her by holding her hand, but that didn’t help.

“That can’t be. It’s impossible!” She said and embraced me. My right shoulder was wet with tears. “No! We’ll find another doctor. I’ll go on leave tomorrow!”

Having been married to her for five years, I had always known her as a strong woman, who knows what to do even in trying times. But this was the first time I had seen her like this, crying very hard and unable to accept what was about to happen.

As I woke up in the morning, I found that Luella wasn't there by my side. I quickly stood up and looked for her. I found her in the living room, looking through a book.

"Luella..."

She flinched and accidentally dropped the book on the floor. It was our photo album.

I just smiled and picked up the book from the floor. As I flipped through the pages, I saw that some of it are found to be blank.

"Why-"

"I was giving more spaces . . . for our last set of pictures." She said, though faintly. "You know, remembrance."

-----



It was our visit to the doctor. We were sitting on a bench, waiting to be called. She clasped her hands and closed her eyes. Then I saw her lips slightly move, and that's when I realized what she was doing - she was praying. I can't exactly hear what she was saying, but I could hear phrases like "I can't let go," "him," "love,” and "please." She suddenly froze when the nurse called my name, and clutching on each other for support, we went into the doctor's office.

Luella was quiet for the entire time. She looked at the doctor like a bold woman would do, her back straight and her eyes focused.

Though I knew in my heart that she was greatly torn inside.

The doctor confirmed that there's only a month remaining in my life. There was no available cure and advised me to visit all of my relatives and friends for the last time. Luella nodded and thanked the doctor.

After our visit to the doctor, she still couldn’t believe it. She cried all the way down from the fifth floor, until we got down to the first. The people inside the elevator looked at me as if I have done something bad to her. As we reached the ground floor, she wiped her tears, then turned to me. Then once again, she was a bold woman and said, “We should try. We shall not give up. I will do everything that I can, just to make you stay with me for a bit longer!”

As we got home, Luella ransacked the entire house, looking for her mother’s book of herbal medicines that cured her father many years ago. I held out my hand and helped her reach for the book, dusted it, and gave it to her. She then flipped through the pages as she walked towards the kitchen. At night, she even studied it, remembering the steps and ingredients by heart.

Day by day, she made new potions, and most of them tasted really bad. But for the sake of living a longer life with my beloved, I just quickly drank all of them and told myself that it was made out of love. She even bought some medicinal plants from her friends, and all day she planted them one by one, sweat trickling down her face.

I offered to help, but she refused. I must go and rest.

My Luella would really do everything just to make me live, I sighed.

We thought there was going to be progress. It’s been weeks before a negative sign came out, and the doctor told me that I was nearing the critical stage. Luella still couldn’t believe, her hand clasped tightly in between my fingers while on our way home. She didn’t talk to me for the whole day, and she was staring blankly at the wall. I sat next to her, held her hand and said, "Love, you've been so quiet. Why can't you talk to me? We only had a week left to talk."

She turned paler, bit her lips and held our wedding ring close to her chest. The ring shone brighter than before, just as how it shone on our wedding day.



“Come on, let’s go outside and see the stars.” I told her. She nodded.

The stars shone brightly across the night sky. The wind was very cool and the rustling of the leaves could still be heard. Luella and I sat on our chairs in the backyard, and just as before, she didn't move. After a moment of silence, she spoke first. “I did everything I could. I prayed for you, took care of you, gave you medicines, but -,“ she sobbed, tears welling in her eyes.

“Nothing happened.”

I just smiled. After a moment of silence, I caressed her hand and pointed at the stars.

“I have once heard that, what if these are not stars, but openings from heaven, signs where our loved ones tell us that they’re happy?”

She winced, her eyes welling with tears. She wiped them once again and remained silent. I told her, “Luella, my love. There is still something that you haven’t done yet.”

She looked at me, her eyes shining.

“What?”

“That is, to accept,” I said. She turned pale.

“It’s easy to say, but hard to do,” she choked in tears. “I can’t even imagine my life without you! Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to be you? Why not anyone else?"

“But, Luella, I’ll be saying goodbye to you soon. How will you prepare for that?”

“I CAN’T!” she shouted and ran away. All night, she didn’t sleep, as I heard her quietly crying under the covers of her bed.

Then came the time. I was in the hospital, unable to move nor speak. Luella was there beside me, holding my hands, her last drop of tears already drained. She was mumbling a prayer, but instead of hope, it spoke of acceptance. She still wore our wedding ring, neatly polished. I wondered if she would still wear that even after I died.

Till death do us part, my mind echoed.

"Luella," I said, though my voice was faint and weak.

"Ash-,"



"Please don't forget me. I love you. "

"Stop. I can't bear this," she sobbed. "I love you too."

She then stood up, and went for a kiss, but then my sight darkened and everything was gone.

I just died.

Going back to reality, I opened my eyes and looked around. I only had a day left for my forty-day mission.

And there is only one person left for me to look after.

On my way to our house, the nearby church bells were ringing loudly and a lot of people in black and white elegant clothes came bustling around the church. I spotted one of them and recognized one of my friends, laughing with a woman in a long beautiful wedding gown. Hours later, the people positioned themselves, welcoming the groom and his bride. Sensing something, I went up to the cathedral’s third floor to see what is happening. My friend's family were there together with some people, perhaps his relatives. Then I saw Luella's mother, dressed elegantly.

Luella's mother?

My heart leapt. My Luella must be here. I scanned at the crowd, looking for my beloved. But wherever I looked, I couldn't see any signs of her.

Hours later, it was the exchange of vows. Then the priest told them to kiss. I looked at them closely.

My friend raised her veil. My heart sank.

It was my Luella – with another man.

And that is to accept. My mind echoed.

After the kiss, a faint voice asked me to go home. I looked, and there was a light coming down from the ceiling of the church.

"Luella," I sighed.

"Goodbye."



I then gave in, left the place, and finally went to heaven.

Ang balat ko’y nakadikit sa matigas at malamig na aspalto. Matinding sakit at paghihirap ang tanging nararamdaman ko ngayon. Parang may nakapatong na napakabigat sa aking dibdib.

Sobrang sakit ng aking katawan lalo na ang kanang parte ng aking tiyan. Hindi ko malilimutan ang pakiramdam ng pagtarak ng matulis na kutsilyo rito, ang unti-unting pagbaon nito mula sa aking balat papunta sa aking kalamnan, napakasakit at napakahapdi.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng pag-agos ng dugo sa parteng ito. Kahit nanghihina ay dali-dali ko itong tinakpan gamit ang aking kamay, baka sakaling mabawasan man lang ang pagdurugo.

Sinusubukan kong magsalita para humingi ng tulong ngunit walang kahit anomang salita ang lumalabas sa aking bibig. Sobrang tahimik ng lugar na ‘to at ang dilim ng gabi kaya’t tila imposibleng makahingi pa ako ng tulong. Unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng pag-asa.

Gusto ko pang mabuhay, hindi ko pa pwedeng iwan ang pamilya ko, hindi ko pa natutupad ang mga pangako ko sa kanila. May mga pangarap din ako para sa aking sarili na hindi ko pa naabot. Ngayon pa ba mangyayari ‘to, kung kailan unti-unti nang natutupad ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay? Sobrang malas ko naman kung ganoon. Bente-sais anyos pa lang ako, gusto ko pang magkaroon ng sariling pamilya at bahay at lupa, pero ngayon, sa tingin ko ay imposible nang mangyari ang lahat ng ito...

“Hanggang dito na lang ba talaga?” tanong ko sa aking isipan.

Bakit ganito ang tadhana? Natutuwa ba silang paglaruan ang buhay ng tao? Isinusumpa ko ang tadhana!

Parang pelikula na naglaro ang mga alaala sa aking isipan, mula pagkabata hanggang pagtanda. Ang masasayang ngiti ng aking mga magulang at kapatid ang tumatak sa ’king isipan. Paano na sila? Naramdaman ko ang mainit na luha sa sulok ng aking mata papunta sa aking sentido, hindi ko na mapigilan ang aking sarili. Halo-halong emosyon ang aking nararamdaman, lungkot, takot, at galit.

Nalulungkot at naaawa ako sa aking sarili, bakit kailangan ko maranasan ang mga bagay na ito?

Ano ang mangyayari sa pamilyang maiiwan ko, sina Mama at Papa? Ayokong may mangyaring masama sa kanila dala ng emosyon kung hanggang dito na lang nga talaga ako. Hindi ko kayang makitang umiiyak sila Mama at Papa. Naiisip ko pa lang ay parang pinipiga na ang aking puso.

Paano na si Ana? Nangako ako sa kanyang pagtatapusin ko siya ng kolehiyo para maabot niya ang kanyang mga pangarap. Hindi na nga ako makapaghintay na maging isa siyang ganap na chef. Sabi niya pa’y magluluto siya ng masasarap na putahe na talagang ako lang ang makatitikim. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang matawa at maiyak sa isiping ito. Matitikman ko pa kaya ang mga luto niya?

Mamamatay na ba talaga ako? Natatakot ako, ano ba ang mayroon sa kabilang buhay? Takot pa akong mamatay, hindi pa ako handa.

Gusto ko pang mabuhay, hindi ko pa sila kayang iwan. Hindi ko matanggap na ito ang tadhana ko. Sa dinami-rami ng tao sa mundo, bakit ako pa?! Ano ba ang nagawa kong mali para maranasan ang lahat ng ito? Hindi pa ba sapat na ako’y naging mabuting anak at kapatid sa aking pamilya?

Alam kong masama pero nagagalit ako sa Diyos, isa ba itong parusa? Sadya bang ginawa niyang maikli ang buhay ko?

Dala yata ng emosyon, dahan-dahang uminit ang katawan ko. Hawak ko pa rin ang saksak sa aking tagiliran, ngunit ayaw pa ring tumigil ng dugo sa pagdaloy palabas ng aking katawan at lumalaon ay lalong sumasakit at humahapdi ang aking nararamdaman. Nanghihina na ako, nauubusan na ako ng dugo, at sa tingin ko ay mawawalan na ako ng malay.

Lalong bumibigat ang aking paghinga, ngunit wala na akong nararamdaman na kahit anong sakit. Namamanhid na ako. Naramdan ko ang matinding pagtibok ng aking puso, parang gusto nitong lumabas mula sa aking katawan, at lalo akong nanghina sa aking nakita. Dugo! Umubo ako ng dugo! Napatingin na lang ako sa madilim na langit.

“Hindi ko na kaya…”

Parang kanina lang ay ang saya-saya ng pamilya namin. Kasama ko sila sa isang restawran. Dahil nakatanggap ako ng promotion sa trabaho ay naisipan ko silang i-treat. Hindi ko alam, ‘yun na pala ang magiging huling alaalang kasama ko sila. Kung hindi lang sa kamalasang holdaper ang drayber ng taxi na nasakyan ko… Hindi sana mangyayari ang lahat ng ‘to.

Unti-unti nang bumibigat ang mga talukap ng aking mga mata. Kahit gusto ko itong imulat ay hindi ko na magawa at nanlalabo na ang aking paningin.

Kahit nahihirapang makakita ay hindi ako nabigong maaninag ang isang aninong papalapit. Aninong napakaitim at hugis tao, unti-unti nitong tinatahak ang daan papunta sa akin. Alam kong masyado na akong nanghihina para makaramdam pa ng takot pero hindi ko maiwasang kilabutan.

“Si Kamatayan na yata, sinusundo na ako,” huli kong sambit sa kawalan, gamit ang natitira kong lakas.

Dama ko ang kakaunting luhang kumawala sa aking mata. Kung ito na nga ang katapusan ng aking buhay, ano pang magagawa ko?...

Sa huli, tuluyan na ngang pumikit ang aking mga mata at para akong nilamon ng antok na sa tingin ko ay hindi na ako magigising pa.

    The periodic beeps of the heart monitor echoed throughout the hollow white room that was given to me right after I came out of the Emergency Room. I was taken in because of an aneurysm and went directly into a coma. My body was paralyzed but my mind was awake. Days and months have gone by and it’s been torture knowing my friends and family suffer from the possibility that I might reach my expiration date sooner than expected. The moment I was brought into that dreary hospital room, life became a monotonous and never-ending cycle of torment. 

    A soft brush against my cheek woke the stillness of my dull night. I tried to scan the room within my eyes’ limit, then a blurry, dark figure emerged from a faint flash of light. It was standing beside me, watching me struggle as I drowned in the bitterness of letting go. I was getting tired and feeling so helpless. I missed the idea of being able to “live life”. I missed the heavenly tastes of food, I missed the awkward family gatherings, I missed getting tired after a good workout. But time was working against me. 

    I was woken up by my whole body seizing. For the first time, I felt my body, but I could also hear myself flatline. Panic was building up in my throat. “I’m not ready.” Nobody was there except for the blurry dark figure I saw the other day, sitting at the foot of my bed. Strangely, its presence was very inviting, like a warm blanket on a cold night. I tried to reach for it but it disappeared. Finally, a nurse rushed in and called the doctor to bring me to the ICU. It was a very busy night but I couldn’t erase the feeling of comfort that the dark figure brought. 

    The nurses called my sister who came about 30 minutes later. I couldn’t bear the pain I saw in her eyes. I wasn’t ready to let go but what could I do? The clock was ticking and I could barely breathe. Maybe, just maybe, time was telling me that I’ve had my fair share in life. Maybe it was finally time for others to live theirs and move on. 

    The next morning felt transcendent. It seemed like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could finally breathe. Excitement rushed through my soul and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I was dancing with delight when a knock on my hospital door sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly my mind was filled with uncertainty. I slowly approached the door, not knowing what to expect, but as soon I opened it, I was greeted by a familiar face. 

    “It was you, wasn’t it?” 

    He laughed. “Eventually, death can’t keep us apart.” I immediately jumped into his arms and kissed him. “It’s time,” he said. I turned around and saw my pale, lifeless body. 

    “Goodbye,” I thought, “thank you for the wonderful journey.” He hugged me once more and led me to the bright light.

He knocks on my door

I answer not to his call

So my life goes on

Life is beautiful

So many stories to tell

I don’t want to die

So I lived my life

But eventually realized

The horrible truth

He will always knock

The knocking will never stop

Until you answer

He knocks on my door

And so I answer his call

Cold embraces me

“Ako nga pala si Claudio, ikaw?”

“Ikinagagalak kong makilala ka Aquilino.”

“Aquilino, ayos ka lang?”

“Bakit?”

“Iyon naman pala, anong problema?”

“Anong ibig mong sabihin? Walang problema sa’yo, hindi ka naiiba, hindi tayo naiiba.”

“Huwag mong iisipin ang sasabihin ng iba, isipin mo lamang ang magpapasaya sa’yo.”

“Hindi mo kailangang ikahiya ang sarili mo, Aquilino.”

“Mas mabigat kung itatago mo at mas mahirap kung ‘di mo tatanggapin.”

Nagawa ko na naman pala.

Bukas na bukas ay lilipat na muli ako,

hindi ito gawi ng isang normal na tao.

Ngunit tama ka Claudio,

‘di ko dapat ikahiya ang sarili ko.

Ako lamang ito, wala nang iba.

Mas mararapatin kong tanggaping isa akong

Binatang Lamang-lupa.

Patawad sa iyo,

at sa sumpang itinago ko.