bella swan,
I am aware of you the moment I entered the classroom.
You are as you have usually been—laughing easily with your friends, joking and clowning around, talking about the most mundane things over lunch, making faces as you take selfies and groupies.
“Do you feel the way I do right now?”
I choked back my sigh and quietly walked by. I took my seat which (thankfully) is on the other side of the room but (unfortunately) still across from yours.
I will be as I have usually been—diligently studying with my friends, willingly teaching anyone who needs help with the more difficult subjects, busily juggling three or more tasks at once, thinking about the steady and endless stream of schoolwork and org projects.
I repeatedly remind myself to not look at you, no matter how quick, no matter how much I want to. There are times (like right now) when I wish I had the courage to talk to you again so we could go back to that seemingly promising friendship. But those are almost always stomped by my need to be busy or to at least look like it lest we get teased again.
“I wish we would just give up… ‘cause the best part is falling…”
I thought everyone had forgotten about that little crush I had on you. That was soooooo many years ago. I didn’t know a thing about anything yet. I was just being honest when I said you were kind and… fine, gwapo. We were so young then. I thought they won’t remember. I thought I won’t remember. But they do, we all do. And it’s so embarrassing that they keep bringing it up.
I can hear your friends making fun of you. You’re such a good sport. That hasn’t changed. I can hear the jokes you crack back. I tried so hard to pretend that I don’t hear you but you’re too funny. I can’t help it. I laughed along with everybody and my gaze automatically moved towards you.
“And I will make sure to keep my distance…”
The moment our eyes met was not lost on everyone. It was as if that was all they were waiting for. It was instantly followed by loud hoots and catcalls and a long and incessant “YIHEEEE”. They’re teasing us again. As always, I don’t know what to do. I think, no, I know I’m blushing so I looked away.
I wish they’d stop. I might believe that there is a possibility that you like me too when I know there isn’t. Not when there are prettier, cooler, more popular girls who can actually spare time thinking about these confusing feelings. Not when I know I don’t deserve someone as good-looking, caring, and funny as you.
“Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening…”
So you see, it’s not that I can’t take the teasing. I can, I usually do. But I really don’t like it because… because I might believe them even when I know what they’re saying is not true.
“How long can we keep this up?”
-----
“Please don’t stand so close to me…”
I am aware of you the moment you entered the room.
I pretended to go about my business. I laughed loudly at a not so funny joke. Clowned around a bit. Smiled and made silly faces at the phone camera.
“I’m having trouble breathing…”
I held my breath as you walked by. I saw you take your seat out of the corner of my eye. Tempted as I am to sneak a glance at your pretty face, I didn’t.
I heard your friends greet you. I heard someone ask you for help with Math. Or was it Science? I heard someone ask you about a group project. About your org’s activity next week. I heard your patient and sincere answers to all those. I can even imagine the adorable grin that went with each. I can’t help wishing that you spare me even half a smile again.
I had to remind myself over and over to not look at you. To not make an excuse to go to that side of the room just to be near you. I desperately want to sit beside you. To talk to you like before. To make you laugh again. I so badly want us to be the kind of friends we would have been if they didn’t start teasing us again.
“I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now…”
I have never forgotten about that childhood crush. We grew apart, moved in different circles but how could I forget? How could everyone? Everybody liked you. You have everything any guy could ever ask for. You’re everybody’s golden girl so you have always seemed out of anybody’s league. Hard to get. Unreachable. But you said I’m kind and gwapo. Even to my 7-year old self, that has got to count for something.
Lost again in thoughts of you, I didn’t hear what my friends were telling me. My witty remark was a tad too slow. I am made fun of as usual. Jokes are cracked at my expense. But I am quick to battle back. Out of habit, I looked at you. Saw you laughing along with everybody else, and looking at me, too.
“And I will make sure to keep my distance…”
There it was. That one stolen glance was their chance to launch into hoots and catcalls. They’re teasing us again. I shrug it off, as usual, in that cool, offhand manner I slowly got used to. I saw you blush and look away. As usual.
I wish they’d stop. It hurts to think that you feel so awkward and embarrassed around me. It hurts that you would never give me a chance. Not when there are smarter, more responsible, more good-looking guys who can prove themselves more worthy of you. Not when I know I don’t deserve someone as kind-hearted, beautiful, intelligent, someone as perfect as you… yet.
“Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening…”
I can take the teasing. I usually do. But when it comes to you, to us, I really don’t like it. Because I am afraid. I’m afraid to take a chance. I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to end up hurting you. I don’t like it because… because I’m scared that they’d find out, that you’d find out… that what they’re saying I’m feeling for you is actually true.
“How long ‘til we call this love?” / by Bella Swan
*Inspired by Christina Perri’s Distance
Literary: Distance*
“The sun is filling up the room, and I can hear you dreaming…”I am aware of you the moment I entered the classroom.
You are as you have usually been—laughing easily with your friends, joking and clowning around, talking about the most mundane things over lunch, making faces as you take selfies and groupies.
“Do you feel the way I do right now?”
I choked back my sigh and quietly walked by. I took my seat which (thankfully) is on the other side of the room but (unfortunately) still across from yours.
I will be as I have usually been—diligently studying with my friends, willingly teaching anyone who needs help with the more difficult subjects, busily juggling three or more tasks at once, thinking about the steady and endless stream of schoolwork and org projects.
I repeatedly remind myself to not look at you, no matter how quick, no matter how much I want to. There are times (like right now) when I wish I had the courage to talk to you again so we could go back to that seemingly promising friendship. But those are almost always stomped by my need to be busy or to at least look like it lest we get teased again.
“I wish we would just give up… ‘cause the best part is falling…”
I thought everyone had forgotten about that little crush I had on you. That was soooooo many years ago. I didn’t know a thing about anything yet. I was just being honest when I said you were kind and… fine, gwapo. We were so young then. I thought they won’t remember. I thought I won’t remember. But they do, we all do. And it’s so embarrassing that they keep bringing it up.
I can hear your friends making fun of you. You’re such a good sport. That hasn’t changed. I can hear the jokes you crack back. I tried so hard to pretend that I don’t hear you but you’re too funny. I can’t help it. I laughed along with everybody and my gaze automatically moved towards you.
“And I will make sure to keep my distance…”
The moment our eyes met was not lost on everyone. It was as if that was all they were waiting for. It was instantly followed by loud hoots and catcalls and a long and incessant “YIHEEEE”. They’re teasing us again. As always, I don’t know what to do. I think, no, I know I’m blushing so I looked away.
I wish they’d stop. I might believe that there is a possibility that you like me too when I know there isn’t. Not when there are prettier, cooler, more popular girls who can actually spare time thinking about these confusing feelings. Not when I know I don’t deserve someone as good-looking, caring, and funny as you.
“Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening…”
So you see, it’s not that I can’t take the teasing. I can, I usually do. But I really don’t like it because… because I might believe them even when I know what they’re saying is not true.
“How long can we keep this up?”
-----
“Please don’t stand so close to me…”
I am aware of you the moment you entered the room.
I pretended to go about my business. I laughed loudly at a not so funny joke. Clowned around a bit. Smiled and made silly faces at the phone camera.
“I’m having trouble breathing…”
I held my breath as you walked by. I saw you take your seat out of the corner of my eye. Tempted as I am to sneak a glance at your pretty face, I didn’t.
I heard your friends greet you. I heard someone ask you for help with Math. Or was it Science? I heard someone ask you about a group project. About your org’s activity next week. I heard your patient and sincere answers to all those. I can even imagine the adorable grin that went with each. I can’t help wishing that you spare me even half a smile again.
I had to remind myself over and over to not look at you. To not make an excuse to go to that side of the room just to be near you. I desperately want to sit beside you. To talk to you like before. To make you laugh again. I so badly want us to be the kind of friends we would have been if they didn’t start teasing us again.
“I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now…”
I have never forgotten about that childhood crush. We grew apart, moved in different circles but how could I forget? How could everyone? Everybody liked you. You have everything any guy could ever ask for. You’re everybody’s golden girl so you have always seemed out of anybody’s league. Hard to get. Unreachable. But you said I’m kind and gwapo. Even to my 7-year old self, that has got to count for something.
Lost again in thoughts of you, I didn’t hear what my friends were telling me. My witty remark was a tad too slow. I am made fun of as usual. Jokes are cracked at my expense. But I am quick to battle back. Out of habit, I looked at you. Saw you laughing along with everybody else, and looking at me, too.
“And I will make sure to keep my distance…”
There it was. That one stolen glance was their chance to launch into hoots and catcalls. They’re teasing us again. I shrug it off, as usual, in that cool, offhand manner I slowly got used to. I saw you blush and look away. As usual.
I wish they’d stop. It hurts to think that you feel so awkward and embarrassed around me. It hurts that you would never give me a chance. Not when there are smarter, more responsible, more good-looking guys who can prove themselves more worthy of you. Not when I know I don’t deserve someone as kind-hearted, beautiful, intelligent, someone as perfect as you… yet.
“Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening…”
I can take the teasing. I usually do. But when it comes to you, to us, I really don’t like it. Because I am afraid. I’m afraid to take a chance. I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to end up hurting you. I don’t like it because… because I’m scared that they’d find out, that you’d find out… that what they’re saying I’m feeling for you is actually true.
“How long ‘til we call this love?” / by Bella Swan
*Inspired by Christina Perri’s Distance
omigosh wow this is beautiful!
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