bella swan,
“Seeing something from so far away get a little closer every day…”
I saw you with her today as I was walking to the school gate.
The org meeting ended earlier than usual. I was thankful to be going home before six o’clock but the moment I recognized you, I wished I stayed in and left later.
You were sitting beside each other on one of the stone benches. There were a lot of people around but it looked like you had eyes only for her. It seemed like she was telling you something very interesting because you were listening intently. You had on that crooked smile, the one that adorably crinkled your eyes.
I recently heard about you two. You know how fast word gets around. Someone was kind (and insensitive) enough to tell me. I remember nodding and going back to doing my Algebra homework because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t care then. At least, I thought I didn’t. But no matter how many school works I do and how many org projects I get myself into, I still kept thinking about it—you and her. I couldn’t forget it and it bothers me. And now, this. Proof that it’s true.
“Thinking that I want to make it mine…”
I saw her lean closer to you, bump your shoulder playfully for reasons I don’t know, want to know, or want to think about. I saw you put your arm around her for a split second. It seemed like a comforting albeit friendly-flirty gesture, one that surprisingly (and annoyingly) tugged painfully at my heartstrings.
I know I have no right to feel this, whatever this is. Can you really blame me, though? I used to believe that you’d never like me. After all, we’re much too different. But even if you belong with the jocks and hang out with the “cool” crowd… even with our classmates awkwardly teasing us, you reached out. You asked me to help you with schoolwork. You talked to me about anything or anyone. You made me smile silly and laugh out loud. You sent me sweet and thoughtful messages. You were just there so even if I tried very hard not to, I (and everybody else) got used to the idea of “us.”
“I’d run for you if I could stand, but what I want I can’t demand, coz what I want is you…”
And then, without warning, you just stopped. Just when I began making time for you despite the million and one things I have to do. Just when I started wondering what “this” was, what “this” means. Just when I started listening to my friends who tell me to give “it” a chance, to see beyond the teasing and the joking. Just when I was seriously thinking that there was or there could be “something” between us.
“And if I can’t be yours now, I’ll wait here on this ground…”
So I went on with my life as usual. Rather, tried to. I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to yet. I think there is still a place in my heart for you. There is that hope that we’d pick up where we left off. It has always been you. I think everyone knows that. Except you. And, as much as I want to, I cannot tell you… because you haven’t asked and you probably won’t.
“’Til you come, ‘til you take me away…”
Today, however, seeing you together made me realize that maybe it’s time to accept that “this” was nothing but mixed signals and wrong expectations, nothing more than an “almost-but-not-quite.”
I looked ahead, walked past the two of you, and firmly told myself that right off the bat “this” was not meant to be. I have to accept that “you and her” makes so much more sense than the “us” that never was and never will be.
“Maybe someday.”
“I try to ignore what you say. You turn to me, I turn away…”
I was with her today when I noticed you walking towards the school gate.
I know you usually went home late because of org meetings or group projects or whatever requirements. But I still hang out by the stone benches after classes, with some of my friends or teammates before training starts, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Overkill, probably, since we’re classmates. But that’s all we have lately. We’re back to square one. Hi’s and hellos. Brief smiles. Serious school stuff. Awkwardness and silence.
I was about to leave when she arrived with her friends. She sat beside me and started talking about their Art project. Or materials for PA. Or both. Something about a movie. And food. I’m not sure. I wasn’t interested in what she was saying. I put on what I hope was a polite expression. I tried hard not to show how distracted I was. Wishing you were the one sitting beside me. Talking to me like this.
You’ve probably heard about something between us. Word gets around here fast. Then again, maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’re too busy to even hear about it. To be honest, I don’t want you to find out. I don’t know why, I just don’t. Even if there really is nothing between us—me and her. Even if you won’t care whether or not there is.
“But Cupid must have shot me twice…”
She leaned closer to me. Bumped my shoulder playfully to get my attention. She pouted and said I wasn’t listening. I chuckled and put my arm around her to appease her. Some of her friends smiled knowingly. They’ve been telling me to give her a chance. It’s logical. And sensible. But I don’t want to. She’s not you.
I know what happened or didn’t happen between you and me is my fault. But I tried. Really. I reached out. I shut out the teasing. I talked to you about anything out of the blue. I loved it when you smiled at the silliest things. When you laughed at even the corniest jokes. I asked for help with schoolwork even if I didn’t really need it. Chatted with you, sent you messages. I want you to realize that I am… was… I could be there for you.
“Thoughts of you invade my head, truths are written never said…”
But no matter how many times I thought about it, I knew you would never like me as more than a friend. Even if everyone was saying otherwise. We were too different. They argued that opposites attract. Maybe. But I know you had a lot more important things to do than wonder why I do those things. You won’t look beyond the teasing. You won’t believe that there was or there could be something between us. I felt it was hopeless. And useless. So I stopped. Before I fell even harder for you.
I tried to move on. Kept myself busy with school and sports. Forced myself to stop liking you. Thought about liking other girls. But I can’t. I always go back to you.
“And if I can’t be yours now, I’ll wait here on this ground…”
I know I screwed up. Big time. I know I don’t deserve another chance. But if you and the gods of fate would be so kind as to give me one, I would grab it in a heartbeat. I’d make it up to you. I’d show you how much I care for you. It has always been you. I was just too afraid to full-on take the risk. Too scared to ask you if I could be the one for you.
“’Til you come, ‘til you take me away…”
As you walked past without even a glance at my direction, I know it’s going to be difficult. I know you’d find it hard to believe me. But even if “you and me” doesn’t make much sense to you, I promise to try and make it the best “us” we could be. I really, truly hope you’re willing to try with me.
“Maybe someday.” / by Bella Swan
*Inspired by Griffin Peterson’s Maybe Someday
Literary (Submission): Maybe Someday*
(A sequel to Distance)“Seeing something from so far away get a little closer every day…”
I saw you with her today as I was walking to the school gate.
The org meeting ended earlier than usual. I was thankful to be going home before six o’clock but the moment I recognized you, I wished I stayed in and left later.
You were sitting beside each other on one of the stone benches. There were a lot of people around but it looked like you had eyes only for her. It seemed like she was telling you something very interesting because you were listening intently. You had on that crooked smile, the one that adorably crinkled your eyes.
I recently heard about you two. You know how fast word gets around. Someone was kind (and insensitive) enough to tell me. I remember nodding and going back to doing my Algebra homework because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t care then. At least, I thought I didn’t. But no matter how many school works I do and how many org projects I get myself into, I still kept thinking about it—you and her. I couldn’t forget it and it bothers me. And now, this. Proof that it’s true.
“Thinking that I want to make it mine…”
I saw her lean closer to you, bump your shoulder playfully for reasons I don’t know, want to know, or want to think about. I saw you put your arm around her for a split second. It seemed like a comforting albeit friendly-flirty gesture, one that surprisingly (and annoyingly) tugged painfully at my heartstrings.
I know I have no right to feel this, whatever this is. Can you really blame me, though? I used to believe that you’d never like me. After all, we’re much too different. But even if you belong with the jocks and hang out with the “cool” crowd… even with our classmates awkwardly teasing us, you reached out. You asked me to help you with schoolwork. You talked to me about anything or anyone. You made me smile silly and laugh out loud. You sent me sweet and thoughtful messages. You were just there so even if I tried very hard not to, I (and everybody else) got used to the idea of “us.”
“I’d run for you if I could stand, but what I want I can’t demand, coz what I want is you…”
And then, without warning, you just stopped. Just when I began making time for you despite the million and one things I have to do. Just when I started wondering what “this” was, what “this” means. Just when I started listening to my friends who tell me to give “it” a chance, to see beyond the teasing and the joking. Just when I was seriously thinking that there was or there could be “something” between us.
“And if I can’t be yours now, I’ll wait here on this ground…”
So I went on with my life as usual. Rather, tried to. I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to yet. I think there is still a place in my heart for you. There is that hope that we’d pick up where we left off. It has always been you. I think everyone knows that. Except you. And, as much as I want to, I cannot tell you… because you haven’t asked and you probably won’t.
“’Til you come, ‘til you take me away…”
Today, however, seeing you together made me realize that maybe it’s time to accept that “this” was nothing but mixed signals and wrong expectations, nothing more than an “almost-but-not-quite.”
I looked ahead, walked past the two of you, and firmly told myself that right off the bat “this” was not meant to be. I have to accept that “you and her” makes so much more sense than the “us” that never was and never will be.
“Maybe someday.”
-----
“I try to ignore what you say. You turn to me, I turn away…”
I was with her today when I noticed you walking towards the school gate.
I know you usually went home late because of org meetings or group projects or whatever requirements. But I still hang out by the stone benches after classes, with some of my friends or teammates before training starts, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Overkill, probably, since we’re classmates. But that’s all we have lately. We’re back to square one. Hi’s and hellos. Brief smiles. Serious school stuff. Awkwardness and silence.
I was about to leave when she arrived with her friends. She sat beside me and started talking about their Art project. Or materials for PA. Or both. Something about a movie. And food. I’m not sure. I wasn’t interested in what she was saying. I put on what I hope was a polite expression. I tried hard not to show how distracted I was. Wishing you were the one sitting beside me. Talking to me like this.
You’ve probably heard about something between us. Word gets around here fast. Then again, maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’re too busy to even hear about it. To be honest, I don’t want you to find out. I don’t know why, I just don’t. Even if there really is nothing between us—me and her. Even if you won’t care whether or not there is.
“But Cupid must have shot me twice…”
She leaned closer to me. Bumped my shoulder playfully to get my attention. She pouted and said I wasn’t listening. I chuckled and put my arm around her to appease her. Some of her friends smiled knowingly. They’ve been telling me to give her a chance. It’s logical. And sensible. But I don’t want to. She’s not you.
I know what happened or didn’t happen between you and me is my fault. But I tried. Really. I reached out. I shut out the teasing. I talked to you about anything out of the blue. I loved it when you smiled at the silliest things. When you laughed at even the corniest jokes. I asked for help with schoolwork even if I didn’t really need it. Chatted with you, sent you messages. I want you to realize that I am… was… I could be there for you.
“Thoughts of you invade my head, truths are written never said…”
But no matter how many times I thought about it, I knew you would never like me as more than a friend. Even if everyone was saying otherwise. We were too different. They argued that opposites attract. Maybe. But I know you had a lot more important things to do than wonder why I do those things. You won’t look beyond the teasing. You won’t believe that there was or there could be something between us. I felt it was hopeless. And useless. So I stopped. Before I fell even harder for you.
I tried to move on. Kept myself busy with school and sports. Forced myself to stop liking you. Thought about liking other girls. But I can’t. I always go back to you.
“And if I can’t be yours now, I’ll wait here on this ground…”
I know I screwed up. Big time. I know I don’t deserve another chance. But if you and the gods of fate would be so kind as to give me one, I would grab it in a heartbeat. I’d make it up to you. I’d show you how much I care for you. It has always been you. I was just too afraid to full-on take the risk. Too scared to ask you if I could be the one for you.
“’Til you come, ‘til you take me away…”
As you walked past without even a glance at my direction, I know it’s going to be difficult. I know you’d find it hard to believe me. But even if “you and me” doesn’t make much sense to you, I promise to try and make it the best “us” we could be. I really, truly hope you’re willing to try with me.
“Maybe someday.” / by Bella Swan
*Inspired by Griffin Peterson’s Maybe Someday
Aw this is beautiful! I've also read the book Maybe Someday which inspired Griffin Peterson's song.
ReplyDelete