Literary: Diet
January 1, 2011
Age: 11 years old
Target weight: 22 kg Current weight: 30.4 kg
I have only one new year’s resolution: to lose some weight.
Every new year's eve, teasing is what I receive; hushed whispers from my cousins and loud jeers from my aunts. Pointing fingers at me, they ask, “Aren’t you a ballet dancer? Your thighs are getting a little bigger. Why don’t you put down that ham?”
My ballet teacher also asked me to lose some weight in order to be part of our upcoming recital.
February 16, 2013
Age: 13 years old
Target weight: 32 kg Current weight: 45.9 kg
The diet wasn’t successful.
A year after my “diet”, I faced more criticisms and struggled in keeping up with my ballet classes. I started restricting what I eat; anything with carbohydrates and fats was off limits. Only the thought of “I have to be thinner” ran through my mind, day and night.
It didn’t help that most of the boys in high school teased me. My friends told me that they were just joking, but as time passed, my confidence and self-esteem was drained from me.
August 3, 2014
Age: 14 years old
Target weight: 39 kg Current weight: 35.7 kg
The diet finally worked!
I lost more weight than expected. I used the entire summer break to lose weight. At first, I was so exhausted, but I couldn’t give up. I kept myself inspired by thinking of all the compliments I’ll be receiving when I’m skinny. But most of all, I wanted to show the people who teased me that they were wrong, and it worked.
The teasing stopped and turned into compliments.
March 24, 2015
Age: 15 years old
Target weight: 39 kg Current Weight: 42.6 kg
I can’t stop. I have to diet.
It’s been a year since the last time I wrote here and a lot has happened since then. People are finally complimenting me for changing myself, but still, they are detesting me for changing too much. I try to ignore whatever they’re saying and just focus on how I can further improve myself. As a guy, I know I’m not supposed to care about these kinds of things, but I can’t help thinking about it. We have a recital in a few weeks and I have to lose more weight so I can execute our routine perfectly. I know that my methods are not what doctors would recommend, but it’s the only thing that works, and that’s good enough for me.
July 4, 2017
Age: 17 years old
The diet was too much. I passed out, they rushed me to the hospital and I finally stopped.
Everyone knew what was wrong with me and by the time I also did, it was too late. The memory of being in the hospital and seeing their worried looks turn into disappointment keeps playing in my head. I wish I could say that everything fell into place after the incident and that I finally learned from my mistakes, but instead, I just made more of them. The thing I used to resent the most comforted me during times of need. I swallowed my pride and indulged every bite of food that has come before me, for it was the only thing that didn’t judge me for what I have become.
I grew twice my size, lost a lot of things like my ballet class, some of my friendships, and even my self-control. Despite all this, my fall from grace also made me gain a different perspective and feel a little unchained from my previous toxic actions.
September 1, 2018
Age: 17 years old
Current Weight: 70.6 kg
5 years have passed since I started to change myself.
I have come a long way ever since I have made that decision, and I still don’t know if I used to be better back then. My journey had many ups and downs, but all I know is that I feel good with the way I am now, and that’s good enough for me.
